Bedroom Puns

Himalayan

pikachu

When they left, the burglars took the stairs.

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

The difference is like night and day.

I've had a stiff neck for a week

For a closet racist.

A pigeon just flew right into it.

It's wet so we are eating inside

I turned A Whiter Shade of Pale when I saw it.

and my clothes are 100% off

"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."

I wore a blindfold.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

...she said "you love those dogs more than me".

That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.

It was a booby trap.

....so I can see my wife having a headache.

DON'T BE JELLY!

Sea-alis.

I have no idea where it's going.

I hate when she eats on the bed! Hot sauce stains, Woman!

I told her it was to help me get up in the morning.

Have a great day at work hunny.

Babe & I tried to spice things up so as to improve our sex duration

But as a 2 mins guy I came on thyme, as usual

That is a big red flag.

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

and then it dawned on me

She's my significant other mother.

He was independant.

Mattress-side.

At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED

He was a clip toe maniac

rough sex also becomes a rave...

... said to her with a very sad look on my face "I'm going to have to put the dog down". She looked horrified and almost in tears and asked "why?"... "Because she's getting heavy" I said as I put the dog on the floor and walked away.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

We've updated our privacy policy.

I read her r/dadjokes

I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.

but that's another story

They're both Messi.

A pigeon just flew right into it.

It was a boobie trap