If dadโ€™s Russian in the kitchen, what is he in the bedroom?

Himalayan

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pippingigi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27
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I got caught playing pokรฉmon go outside my crushโ€™s bedroom window and they asked me what I wanted

pikachu

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/than-q
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03
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My house got broken into the other day and now I can't get to my bedroom upstairs.

When they left, the burglars took the stairs.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TwoMoreDays
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24
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I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12
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My bedroom window is East facing so I bought black out curtains to keep the sunlight out.

The difference is like night and day.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChefKellyFletcherAZ
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12
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Tried some viagra in the bedroom with my wife but it got stuck in my throat

I've had a stiff neck for a week

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Snozzcumberbatch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18
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As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants โ€œWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good olโ€™ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!โ€ He was surprisingly vocal...

For a closet racist.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dongwaffler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24
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My bedroom now has a stained glass window.

A pigeon just flew right into it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31
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Whats the thing your teacher can say in classroom and bedroom

It's wet so we are eating inside

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/knight_furrie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 07
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A ghostly apparition of the rock band Procol Harem appeared on my bedroom wall.

I turned A Whiter Shade of Pale when I saw it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/glezgatoon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11
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So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lovina9
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09
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I'm having a sale in my bedroom

and my clothes are 100% off

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dwele_music
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28
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Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....

"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21
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Shouldnโ€™t the bedroom be called the Restroom instead of the bathroom?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ForestValkyrie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.

I wore a blindfold.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 17
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My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 456
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OfficerBarbier
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Wife walked in to the bedroom as I was pulling off my Boxers...

...she said "you love those dogs more than me".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tardiusmaximus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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When you buy a bigger bed, you have more bed room but less bedroom

That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 81
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FattySuperCute
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I walked into the bedroom today and tripped over my wifeโ€™s bra.

It was a booby trap.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 57
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bakedschwarzenbach
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I've just had a mirror fixed to my bedroom ceiling...

....so I can see my wife having a headache.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?

DON'T BE JELLY!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bearnakedgamer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What does a pirate take when they've got doldrums in the bedroom?

Sea-alis.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Musicferret
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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My bedroom light just went out.

I have no idea where it's going.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 98
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
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My girlfriend wanted to spice things up in the bedroom

I hate when she eats on the bed! Hot sauce stains, Woman!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/whoaswows
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Wife asked why I left a ladder in the bedroom.

I told her it was to help me get up in the morning.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NotSoSasquatchy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Every morning when my wife closes the bedroom door in our 1-bedroom apartment I tell her...

Have a great day at work hunny.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ReddiTurret
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Bedroom seasoning

Babe & I tried to spice things up so as to improve our sex duration

But as a 2 mins guy I came on thyme, as usual

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Farmzy_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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You should not date an American woman if she hangs the flag of China in her bedroom

That is a big red flag.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/atom644
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked upโ€ฆ

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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I looked outside my bedroom window and wondered why it was so dark outside

and then it dawned on me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Burning_Toast998
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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My wife treats me like a baby, both in the bedroom and out.

She's my significant other mother.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Did you hear about the young genie who got a job and moved out of his parents' lamp to a one bedroom necklace?

He was independant.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 570
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NickNail5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Murdering your brother is fratricide, and your father would be patricide, but in the bedroom is...

Mattress-side.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jakeprops
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom

At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tyroneshoelaces121
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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There was this kinky burglar who would sneak into people's bedrooms to give them a pedicure as they slept. .

He was a clip toe maniac

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AustralianGroan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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When you have a clap light in your bedroom

rough sex also becomes a rave...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ice2257
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Carried our dog into the bedroom where my daughter was on the playstation today...

... said to her with a very sad look on my face "I'm going to have to put the dog down". She looked horrified and almost in tears and asked "why?"... "Because she's getting heavy" I said as I put the dog on the floor and walked away.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 210
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NZOC
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Tree: Hey, Boulder, what do you think I should be when I grow up? Boulder: You would make a wonderful bedroom furniture set.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/baconaboot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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My son asked me why I was taking his bedroom door off the hinges.

We've updated our privacy policy.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 993
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fukhed69
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2018
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How do I make my wife moan and groan in the bedroom at night?

I read her r/dadjokes

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Phroedrick
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled "It's time to leave, get up!"

I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WrexKwonDo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
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I've been thinking of adding a bedroom and a bathroom on top of my house,

but that's another story

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tobias_drundridge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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Know what my kids' bedroom and soccer player Lionel have in common?

They're both Messi.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CAdamH
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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My bedroom now has a stained glass window....

A pigeon just flew right into it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I walked into my bedroom and stepped on her bra

It was a boobie trap

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/agarcia128
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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