I have no idea where it's going.
She's my significant other mother.
That is a big red flag.
and then it dawned on me
He was a clip toe maniac
It was a boobie trap
rough sex also becomes a rave...
Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.
I read her r/dadjokes
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
They're both Messi.
He was independant.
... said to her with a very sad look on my face "I'm going to have to put the dog down". She looked horrified and almost in tears and asked "why?"... "Because she's getting heavy" I said as I put the dog on the floor and walked away.
It was a real pane
but that's another story
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we... keep reading on reddit ➡
The house is ONE STORY it has no stairs.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
She said ‘honey, I’m pregnant’ So I responded ‘hi pregnant, I’m dad’ And then she said ‘no you’re not...,
It's a big red flag
The corners for example are always 90 degrees
Damn boobie traps
When he saw the pillows he took the case!
G: I’m going to the bathroom
G: Hey! There’s a turd in the toilet in the shape of the letter U
B: Don’t you understand?
B: I dumped you
Might need a turtle to wipe the floors!
I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.
There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”
He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.
He nuts and bolts
Oh well, c'ellar vie.
Turns out it's just a waste of thyme.
It was a booby trap…
In the end I just painted it red.
It was all a rouge
Tongue and groove.
My fiance and I were getting ready for bed. I was the first one to climb under the covers. For some reason it seems to be really cold when I first climb in, so I start rolling around frantically to generate some heat.
My fiance walks into the room and gives me a puzzled look.
> Her: Wow. You're looking intense, honey.
> Me: I'm not intense! I'm in a blanket!
The look on her face and the long groan was priceless.
"thanks for the help" i said
"Don't mention it"he said.
She always had problems controlling her Tempur
Because I like to get Argonaughty
We haven't had sex all year!
Still no nookie 😢
Edit. Erm scratch that! 😁
He said, "I don't know, I guess it hinges on some things."
I moved my tv stand a bit, perhaps a foot or two. I look at him and say, "This thing must be very charismatic." He asks why, visibly confused.
"Because it sure made a hell of an impression on the carpet!"
He said he was going to kill me! Well worth it.
Its just so bear http://i.imgur.com/RuAfKJ0.jpg?1
I've always been told you should keep your fronds close but your anemones closer.
Proceeds to shake glass so the ice makes a sound like a maraca. "That's cool! Get it? Cool?"
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.