My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did

Daughter: "Quarantine."

Me: . . .

Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, β€œThe streets seem strangely desserted…”

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retgits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
This hit home
πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATMiceli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Messicanhero
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
I travel all over the world and I'm regular, then I come home and suddenly I'm incontinent.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!

Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
How did the thief get home from the Chinese restaurant?

He took a wok.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
What food should you never give to two fiancΓ©es who ran away from home together?

Cantalope

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorelerton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 349
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
If I had my own funeral home...

People would be dying to get in.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PatriotCam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
So I went to my room and saw 10 ants scrambling around, I felt bad so I decided to build them a home.

Now they are my tenants.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/larrythetarry
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17
🚨︎ report
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abucket87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.

Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
Which superhero has the most home runs

Batman

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/khanzunair
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
My daughter just came home from camp with food poisoning...

... I guess you could call her a Hurl Scout.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/actuallyboa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17
🚨︎ report
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dohpaz42
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
How do salmon keep people out of their homes?

With lox!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.

Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeBigHuge
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
Blew a bike tire on my way home. Had to push it the rest of the way.

What a drag

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slightlyinsanek8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
What do you call a homing pigeon that can’t find its way home?

A pigeon.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..

It's a current affair.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reachingnexus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
As a doctor, whenever I hear someone crying from the waiting room that they want to get a lollipop and go home, I think to myself

They must be a little patient.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t ET phone home during the pandemic?

He was already home.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ciaboom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?"

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dulfuckyourself
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, β€œTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, β€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, β€œBecause...he’s my newt!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen

He was delighted

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TJPancaker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.

It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edrinshrike
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
Started a business building Yachts at home during the Lockdown..

..and the Sails have gone through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
The midwife asked my pregnant wife and I if we would like the baby to be delivered at home.

I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djdodgystyle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

β€œI must have taken Lief off my census”.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
Came home with all purpose flour. My wife asked why I didn’t get bread flour.

I told her there wasn’t any, in these times bakers can’t be choosers.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
Home Alone
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the Italian get into his home?

Because he had gnocchi.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/J_Mac_Attack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30
🚨︎ report
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"

Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"

(Note: This actually happened today.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Umikaloo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
With everyone staying at home, Papa Murphy’s..

must be making some dough..

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cprayer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.

I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
My colleague got sick and was sent home from work.

He had a wee cough.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vectorman1989
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
I went to a open home and the retail salesman showed me around.

I asked the retail salesman "what's up stairs?"

He replied "no, the stairs dont talk"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C9SF-Dr0p
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the French stately home that fell into disrepair?

It's a chΓ’teau of its former self.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dweller88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
🚨︎ report
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.

That’s how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...

...don't use shallot."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__itsyaboi__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
I want to create a kit for do-it-at-home surgery

I'll call it Suture Self

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grynde7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the drunk guy call his pals over to his home?

Because he had no balance.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolmanc123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
The last one from home? Hopefully.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My friend has this weird habit where he gnaws at bricks when he visits someone’s home.

Doctors are calling it Munch housin’ syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...

It was just a spare, I guess...

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to design and build my own dream home..

But I've no concrete plans yet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
We gave my Dad a birthday card that said he could party till the cows come home.

He said he utter-ly loved it!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fan2vt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.

His office is run by a skeleton crew.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASPYDERMONKEE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?"

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…

Let that sink in…

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
I went to the Home Improvement store this weekend and walked past the stud finders...

The noise was unbearable.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.

It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
With bars finally reopening, exotic dancers can once again bring home the bacon...

...but only one strip at a time.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner?

She gave him the cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?

His sails went through the roof

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RavenxMiyagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus

Sails have gone through the roof

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SHAGGZY101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?

They were an undercover cop.

πŸ‘︎ 185
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jillyjoyohoho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries...

apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sludgemonkey01
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
I was sitting at home the other day when man broke in holding a block of cheese.

He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doughboy9419
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!

I have no words to describe how angry I am...

πŸ‘︎ 434
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/metalmarky82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
For those of you stuck at home
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PM-_-ME
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
May be at home but...
πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
I lost electricity at home yesterday.

I think my house is on a power trip.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Scottish guy that's almost home?

Hamish

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lav_
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the strawberry get home?

He was stuck in a jam.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leveonthis
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
Home Office Fitness
πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
What did Sherlock Homes say to his son when he couldn't understand him?

Watson?

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/8BitHandle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -

"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NemoKozeba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the sheep dog bring home 30 sheep, when there were only 26?

Because he rounded them up!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chichi1011
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
I got a home haircut the other day.

I asked my wife: is a female barber called a Barbra?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Did you hear? Parents everywhere are feeling disoriented and unable to keep up with their kids while at home.

An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
My teen daughter was complaining about life under β€œSafer at home”. β€œI can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”

I said, β€œOK, Zoomer.β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IDRambler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.

We looked in every nook and granny!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Of course I'm not. I'm going to stay at home. That has nothing to do with the lockdown though!
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home

I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
What kinda music they play at the old folks home?

Broken hip hop?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shahooster
πŸ“…︎ May 14
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Apparently, having a guard stationed outside your home

Is a practice thats sentries old

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pLeThOrAx
πŸ“…︎ May 21
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My daughter came home from the toy store with a spherical Pixar fish toy. She asked me if I thought it was cute.

Cute? It’s a Dory ball!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shibarak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
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Well, I'm at home for the time being.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
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How do you pronounce the acronym for the Second Home Habitation Helpers?

"SHHH" "What - I'm just trying to ask a question!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MunkyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 14
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It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojothejewman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
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