My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted…”
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly
Because communication is key
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain
Due to all the indoor fins.
I travel all over the world and I'm regular, then I come home and suddenly I'm incontinent.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
How did the thief get home from the Chinese restaurant?
What food should you never give to two fiancées who ran away from home together?
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
If I had my own funeral home...
People would be dying to get in.
So I went to my room and saw 10 ants scrambling around, I felt bad so I decided to build them a home.
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
Had too many drinks at the pub last night, so the lads suggested I leave the car there and take the bus home.
Turns out I was in no fit state to drive it home either.
Which superhero has the most home runs
My daughter just came home from camp with food poisoning...
... I guess you could call her a Hurl Scout.
It takes 10 minutes to walk to the bar, and an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
How do salmon keep people out of their homes?
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Blew a bike tire on my way home. Had to push it the rest of the way.
What do you call a homing pigeon that can’t find its way home?
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
As a doctor, whenever I hear someone crying from the waiting room that they want to get a lollipop and go home, I think to myself
They must be a little patient.
Why didn’t ET phone home during the pandemic?
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
My wife and I are having movie nights at home now, and making our own popcorn and drinks.
It's not easy, but these days we all have to make concessions.
Started a business building Yachts at home during the Lockdown..
..and the Sails have gone through the roof.
The midwife asked my pregnant wife and I if we would like the baby to be delivered at home.
I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.
A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,
“I must have taken Lief off my census”.
Came home with all purpose flour. My wife asked why I didn’t get bread flour.
I told her there wasn’t any, in these times bakers can’t be choosers.
Why couldn’t the Italian get into his home?
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
With everyone staying at home, Papa Murphy’s..
must be making some dough..
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season
My colleague got sick and was sent home from work.
I went to a open home and the retail salesman showed me around.
I asked the retail salesman "what's up stairs?"
He replied "no, the stairs dont talk"
Did you hear about the French stately home that fell into disrepair?
It's a château of its former self.
I don’t know how you guys get home every night but, I squat down, put my head between my knees and fall forward.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...
I want to create a kit for do-it-at-home surgery
Why couldn't the drunk guy call his pals over to his home?
Because he had no balance.
The last one from home? Hopefully.
My friend has this weird habit where he gnaws at bricks when he visits someone’s home.
Doctors are calling it Munch housin’ syndrome.
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess...
I always wanted to design and build my own dream home..
But I've no concrete plans yet.
We gave my Dad a birthday card that said he could party till the cows come home.
He said he utter-ly loved it!!
Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.
His office is run by a skeleton crew.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…
I went to the Home Improvement store this weekend and walked past the stud finders...
The noise was unbearable.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
With bars finally reopening, exotic dancers can once again bring home the bacon...
...but only one strip at a time.
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
What did the cannibal's wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries...
apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.
I was sitting at home the other day when man broke in holding a block of cheese.
He stabbed me with it and all I could think was damn, that cheddar is sharp.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am...
For those of you stuck at home
I lost electricity at home yesterday.
I think my house is on a power trip.
What do you call a Scottish guy that's almost home?
Why couldn’t the strawberry get home?
What did Sherlock Homes say to his son when he couldn't understand him?
8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -
"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.
Why did the sheep dog bring home 30 sheep, when there were only 26?
Because he rounded them up!
I got a home haircut the other day.
I asked my wife: is a female barber called a Barbra?
Did you hear? Parents everywhere are feeling disoriented and unable to keep up with their kids while at home.
An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.
My teen daughter was complaining about life under “Safer at home”. “I can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Of course I'm not. I'm going to stay at home. That has nothing to do with the lockdown though!
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What kinda music they play at the old folks home?
Apparently, having a guard stationed outside your home
Is a practice thats sentries old
My daughter came home from the toy store with a spherical Pixar fish toy. She asked me if I thought it was cute.
Well, I'm at home for the time being.
How do you pronounce the acronym for the Second Home Habitation Helpers?
"What - I'm just trying to ask a question!"
It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.