Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...

Riceless

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 441
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 975
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Glass bottle recycling truck in my home town
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misrdanskellinika
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?

Hot Dam!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"

I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"

πŸ‘︎ 388
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmBeeCSGO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a step ladder at home...

... I never knew my real ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 703
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dream_digital
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
did you know that stippers dont have airconditioning in their homes?

they have onlyfans

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swedhoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
When I get home my wife's underwear is coming straight off...

They're cutting right into my hips.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So I brought a tree home for Christmas

My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"

I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-

β€œThat’s not very mature!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quantomcatnip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did

Daughter: "Quarantine."

Me: . . .

Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a builder from Newcastle do at home?

DYI

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AreYouShaw26
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
Nursing Home

A virus in a nursing home is like a dad joke.

Everyone gets it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ES_FTrader
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
What's a pirates favorite part of his home?

The back yaaarrrrdd.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of homes do they have in Wakanda?

Wakandominiums

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1976kdawg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.

Unbereavable...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.

Because it was a little coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStateOfMantana
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?

A skeleton key

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireKTN
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...

...then we'll be C6.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunstoned1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 199
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I rang my blonde g/f to tell her that I was staying home because I had bronchitis.

She said, "Awww, at least you have company. I wish I had a dinosaur."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
A man came home from the pet shop with loads of geese.

He only went for a gander

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
What kind of flooring does the snake-loving architect design all of his homes with?

Reptile

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beemoh808
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,

I said naan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/criticatto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you always eat eggs benedict at home on Christmas?

Because there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PA_Dutch_Oven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!

^#HomeLess

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EsteamPhenomena
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Late last night Mr Peanut was walking home through a bad neighborhood

I have been informed he was a-salted.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubsAli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just read most auto accidents occur within 3 miles from home.

That’s it we’re moving!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a mobile home for mentally insane horses?

Unstable.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LATROPSP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.

He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.

I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lost bee say when he finally found his home?

Hive never been so happy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbird1414
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I got home from work angry and tired, so I asked my wife if she could make turkey and duck for dinner.

I was in a fowl mood.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Claytonjdawson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...

We had to hold Hans.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Working from home isn’t always great,

But I guess it is better than being in Office 365

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Just came home to find all my doors and windows open, everything's gone!

Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flabbergash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...

Ruff.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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