Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
My son left home to become a mime
We haven't heard from him since
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My realtor asked me how I felt about the defects in the finish trim in my new home.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
Glass bottle recycling truck in my home town
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
did you know that stippers dont have airconditioning in their homes?
Why did the phone stay home?
So I brought a tree home for Christmas
My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"
I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."
Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
“That’s not very mature!”
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.
When I get home my wife's underwear is coming straight off...
They're cutting right into my hips.
What does a builder from Newcastle do at home?
Today my friend asked me “What kinda shit would make you want to stay home all day?”
I said “Diarrhea for sure”.
What's a pirates favorite part of his home?
What kind of homes do they have in Wakanda?
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.
Because it was a little coffee.
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
What kind of flooring does the snake-loving architect design all of his homes with?
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
I rang my blonde g/f to tell her that I was staying home because I had bronchitis.
She said, "Awww, at least you have company. I wish I had a dinosaur."
A man came home from the pet shop with loads of geese.
He only went for a gander
" I want her home before before midnight."
Date : "But you already own her home"
[first date] her dad : I want her home before midnight
Me : but you already own her house
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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