When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.
She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."
A striking resemblance.
They're terra-flying!
It was fowl
It hits too close to home.
You should check it out, it's a big hit right now.
If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens. If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.
But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.
I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.
I got arrested for domestic violins
Unique up on it!
How do you catch a domesticated rabbit?
Tame way!
It's a knee slapper
He's a lyin' tamer.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
It really was a murder most fowl
A gross domestic product
We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said
"That's better"
I look up and say
"No, that's batter"
She hit me.
"I love that you are hairy".
I said, "I'm Ken who the heck is Harry?"
She hit me, she actually hit me for that.
Only you can stamp out domestic violets.
Walking with my wife and 2 year old last night when my wife mentioned there was an open house a few blocks away. She asked if "you want to go and be snoopy." I responded "what do you want me to do, dance on a piano?" that's when she hit me.
update: 1583 upvotes? Holy crap... never thought my idiocy would pay off! (in fake points)
Update #2: Holy crap... thank you whoever got me the gold!
I know that cops take a dim view of domestic violets.
I said, "But you're a Domestic Woman!"
Gross Domestic Product
Presenting: Domestic Abuse!
The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....
The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.
Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“This time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.
The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says “deal”.
The beef farmer carries on:
“Actually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.
The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says “deal”.
12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.
Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:
“Well, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...
So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.
Yesterday (Saturday) walking around the city
Me: Where do you wanna eat?
Her: We could go to Church
Me: Church is only open on Sundays
She hit me, that means it was a success right?
I suggested the male owl was trying to mate with the female. My friend said no, they were probably married and it was a domestic dispute. Our professor said, "maybe someone forgot to pay their owlimony."
I have so, so many...
"The Road Is Shut" by Elaine Closed. "I'm Outta Gas" by Phil McCarup "How To Tie Shoelaces" by Ben Doon "A Cliff Edge" by Eileen Dover "A Book Of Churches" by Cath Headrall "I've Eaten Too Much!" by Buster Gutt "A Book On Soft Cheeses" by Phil Adelphia
And finally, "A Book On Domestic Pets" by Rabi Tuch... (...Rabituch...) (Rabbit hutch)
As he's telling my grandmother about done tests he'll have to have done on his knee he mentioned a PET scan. My grandmother asked what it was and I jumped in just in time to say,
"It's like a CAT scan, but more domesticated."
My grandfather was proud.
I mean, domestic abuse is a real problem nowadays and don't need to blame innocent dads.
A domestic product
