Husbandly Puns

He has a lot experience working remote

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

Yeah, I tractor down.

“Because she has no taste.”

I said, “what have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?”

He looked really confused and said “What? I didn’t leave anything out”

“because the dog is over here sawing some logs!”

he can't have my nose, I need it!

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"

He took her for granite.

They only have a pair of trunks.

-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

Imagine my surprise when I saw my son was colored blue on Christmas morning.

Eureka!

He was their sole bread wiener.

"Dad, once I reach 99 lb, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

Blue balls

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

But I couldn't ignore the red flags any longer.

Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",

" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."

Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,

“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

You may kiss the bride goodbye.

A woman calls her husband's doctor.  "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:

This has to stop

I'm fed up

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said “give her another, dad.” And he responded with “what’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”

"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

I said, “Yes please.”

Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

He thought it was a fine joke.

The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."

(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)

A brad pitture

Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

and he did so on our dog’s paws

It just can't focus!

The judge asked her, “first offender” “No,” she says “first a Gibson then a Fender

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”