My programmer husband insists he has to be the one to change the channel

He has a lot experience working remote

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband asked me to label our new spice rack. I took creative liberties. reddit.com/gallery/j8u7w7
πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefoxclady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Were you able to get ahold of that lady selling the John Deere? My husband:

Yeah, I tractor down.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierraann0402
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got my husband with my best one yet

I said, β€œwhat have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?”

He looked really confused and said β€œWhat? I didn’t leave anything out”

β€œbecause the dog is over here sawing some logs!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaxinthebox14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...

he can't have my nose, I need it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FTM-Oct2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, "You're a better husband than I'll ever be."

I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"

πŸ‘︎ 873
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeinator21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the limestone leave her husband?

He took her for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?

They only have a pair of trunks.

-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: β€œI’m on the toilet, please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronh1202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my husband I wanted a Dyson for Christmas.

Imagine my surprise when I saw my son was colored blue on Christmas morning.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Italian wife tell her husband he needed a bath?

Eureka!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.

He was their sole bread wiener.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My son to my husband

"Dad, once I reach 99 lb, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the frustrated husband decorate the christmas tree?

Blue balls

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses

But I couldn't ignore the red flags any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katskratched
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Lorraine finally leaves her husband Dave. His open flirting with the new neighbour Deidre, is the last straw..

Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",

" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontmeenafing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife are walking in the park together.

Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,

β€œSee, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RosselWestbrook
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: β€œWe’re” not going anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A nagging wife yelling at her husband "I would rather married Satan than marrying you"

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mougy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I now pronounce you husband and wifi

You may kiss the bride goodbye.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rricenator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman calls her husband's doctor...

A woman calls her husband's doctor. Β "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A wife kept over-feeding her husband

One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:

This has to stop

I'm fed up

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alkedi44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abucket87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband and I were eating chips when our toddler requested one. So he gave her a chip and she walked away.

A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said β€œgive her another, dad.” And he responded with β€œwhat’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egb233
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
(At bosses funeral kneeling and whispering at coffin)

"Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourYam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.

He thought it was a fine joke.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. It’s an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pellersheila
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife says to her husband: "Honey, I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving."

The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."

(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PresidentalPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ugly photo of Angelina Jolie's ex-husband?

A brad pitture

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNorux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: β€œHow do you know it was going to school?”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrollButtons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my husband to please press pause

and he did so on our dog’s paws

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my camera has ADHD...

It just can't focus!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trashconverters
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating up a unfaithful rockstar husband with his guitar collection

The judge asked her, β€œfirst offender” β€œNo,” she says β€œfirst a Gibson then a Fender

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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