My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.
I said no I didn’t know he could.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
Now I can't read anything.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
My wife and I just celebrated 10 years of happy marriage...
It was coincidentally our 30th wedding anniversary.
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing he was gladiator.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
My wife said, “I don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
My wife and I share the same sense of humour.
We have to....She doesn't have one.
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.
I told her she would roux the day.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes.
Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It's the little things that count.
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
I’m going to ask my wife if she will be my “valen-tine”!!!
Why did the geologist’s wife divorce him?
Because he took her for granite 😁
My wife was angry that I had a bad sense of direction
so I packed up my things and right
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
The wife accused me of always dropping random Elvis lyrics in our conversations.
Her suspicious mind left me all shook up
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
My wife: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: It was my friend Reese.
Her: Huh? how?
Me: Witherspoon.
My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.
I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
What do you call a hippies wife?
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