Wifey Puns

Wifey was angry and threw a wheel of cheddar at me.

I told her “That wasn’t very mature”

"Yeah I don't wanna use that cat-lick butter...

That's worse than that Anglican butter."

I said to wifey, "Isn't it strange that most clams have pearls, but your clam had a Ruby?"

It was the other week and my better half had just left town for a holiday. So on the way back from the airport (less than 10 minutes wifey free) the 5 of us where already arguing. Any way my 14 year old son was whistling just to be annoying to my 6year old daughter. So i went down the track of, "Look mate, when you start doing something to piss people off, your an arsehole and nobody likes an arsehole" and less than half a second later my older daughter chips in "Unless your gay". I was driving and my jaw just dropped.

I just didn't know what to say, 'technically' she was correct but damn was I pissing myself on the inside.

To which I replied, "so she'll work for you nevermore?"

Wifey was not amused.

I (husband) am good at making egg dishes for breakfast. Me and the wifey were talking about the first time I met her family, when I made them an omelette with goat cheese and spinach. They were all very impressed.

Wifey: "My parents never cooked like that when I was growing up. For them, it was just egg on the pan, egg on the plate."

Me: "I can see how that would be unpleasant, especially if they didn't crack the shells first."

Friend became a father. He has recently moved house. My wife went crazy and bought baby clothes.
I sent him an email that said "Wifey has gone mad. What's your new address?".
His reply "We don't want her."

Me: Who is our nurse tonight? Wifey: I think it's Mida. New dad: You know what they say, trust the Mida's touch. Both wifeys:groans

I think he will do just fine