Wife Puns

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

I said, “That makes two of us.”

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

But then I saw her face

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

But then I saw her face.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

So I had to put my foot down

I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

She doesn’t know it yet, but her thyme’s cumin

Her name is Ellie Vader

So I packed my stuff and right.

I'd say she is ovary-acting .

She’s changed a lot and it’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

She packed up her bags and right.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

Now I'm thinking, "Do dwarves put on clothes differently to the rest of us. "

"Well I hope you would call the cops if there were"

But I'm on a roll now.

I had to get a running start but I made it.

I'm going to try and win her back.

It Taurus apart

A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"

"Very SHADY things."

It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.

I told her I’d look into it.

But today she’s only getting a small C-section

Edit: it’s actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden it’s happening 🙂

She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

'Chicago?'

'Nah, she passenger.'

I told her I will address it when I get home

I said maybe...

She said, “Where will you find the time?”

Me: Easy. Right next to the sage.

She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side

I don't believe heryhhxfukklo8764eh89kg4ghi9hde3yhoonib7v6c5x4xv9n8vx4&6c79b9n

Now I can't read anything.

Guys, meet Patty.

I told her, “Just for shits and giggles”

Now I’m feeling cannelloni

I told her because she is a pessimist.

That would be a big step forwards

I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"

I said, “No, I think most kids smell that way.”

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

I had to put my foot down.