The Good Wife Puns

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

I told her I was just completely sunburnt

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

She also likes it when I don't touch her.

I was floored.

She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.

He’s been undie-feeted ever since.

Me: Listen to mom. That’s......sound advice.

But I don’t give Edam!

As I was grabbing a plate, she said, "It's nacho casserole."

I hung the plate behind my side and lamented, "If it's not my casserole, what am I supposed to eat?"

She started to tell me to eat some of the casserole, but stopped and rolled her eyes at me.

I frickin got'er good, fellas!

I hope she knows how to play snooker

I told her I will Czech them out once December comes

You could say she left me hanging out to dry.

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

Her: 'I feel a bit Belgian this morning.'

Me: 'What?'

Her: 'Ya know? Phlegmish!'

It's been haunting me ever since. Now anytime I make a dad-joke, rather than groaning she just responds, 'eh, still not as good as mine.'

My wife was rubbing my back when she said "Oh, I love your bare skin!"
I turn to her, lean in and softly whisper "I love your human skin"

Son asked how to spell "Chocolate Rain" because he heard he should watch it on YouTube.

Wife is not internet savvy and has never heard of it. I have to explain the meme, write it down so kid can google it.

Couple of minutes later, Wife says "I really thought that googling 'Chocolate Rain' could make for a real shitstorm!"

We were driving behind someone in a van, and the back was filled with toilet paper. So she said "wow, they must be preparing for the apoca-shits"

Wife: I bet dollars go pretty far in Turkey.

Me: Yeah. I think the exchange rate is around $1-2 per lb.

Wife: stares

I was hanging my car keys on the key hook for the night. My wife, leaving town for a few days says: I remembered to leave the mail key on the hook

Me: that's good, the female key was getting lonely.

Not even a smirk from her. I made myself snicker out loud!

Wife: I feel like Clint Eastwood...

Me: Why?

Wife: Because I'm all dirty and hairy.