True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...

I told her I was just completely sunburnt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_lp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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When people tell me I'm good at the theremin, I have to give credit to my wife.

She also likes it when I don't touch her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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While redoing the hardwood my wife thought it would be a good idea to toss me a plank. It hit me in the head.

I was floored.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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My wife called and told me we have an ant infestation. She and asked me to bring home something good for the ants on my way home.

She looked really angry when I came home with sugar cubes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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After a world-renowned athlete lost an important match, his wife suggested that in the future he wear a pair of her panties in his shoes for good luck to boost his confidence.

He’s been undie-feeted ever since.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beeeeen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I overheard my wife tell our six year old, β€œIt’s not a good idea to turn up the volume of the IPad to the maximum.”

Me: Listen to mom. That’s......sound advice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Company came over and we had nothing in the house, so my wife wanted to put out my gourmet cheeses. I refused but she said I had to be a good host

But I don’t give Edam!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I asked my wife what smelled so good in the kitchen...

As I was grabbing a plate, she said, "It's nacho casserole."

I hung the plate behind my side and lamented, "If it's not my casserole, what am I supposed to eat?"

She started to tell me to eat some of the casserole, but stopped and rolled her eyes at me.

I frickin got'er good, fellas!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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I booked a good table for me and the wife tonight

I hope she knows how to play snooker

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charliethom
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
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My Wife told me about the Prague Philharmonic Orchestra, apparently they have good Christmas music

I told her I will Czech them out once December comes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellythejellyman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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My wife made me wait a good long time with my friends at the pool before I realized she wasn’t coming with my towel...

You could say she left me hanging out to dry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Been sick lately, went to the doc yesterday. Got my wife good later.

I picked up a head cold from my toddler and was worried about it progressing to something worse. Texted my doc, and he said to come in ASAP. That afternoon, he prescribed for me some cough meds, and a nasal steroid to help with the blockage.

I get home, and after putting the still-snotty kiddo to bed, my wife and I retreated to the boudoir to talk and relax. She wanted to know what Doc prescribed. She gave me the perfect setup for a dad joke.

Me: Oh, some pearls and codeine for the cough, and a steroid spray for my nose.

Wife: Where is it?

Me: (pointing at nose) It's right here in the middle of my face.

She laughed. Good thing we were far enough away we didn't wake up the kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twilightmoons
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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My wife, who has been a bit sick lately, normally a staunch opponent of the 'Dad Joke', got me pretty good the other day.

Her: 'I feel a bit Belgian this morning.'

Me: 'What?'

Her: 'Ya know? Phlegmish!'

It's been haunting me ever since. Now anytime I make a dad-joke, rather than groaning she just responds, 'eh, still not as good as mine.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StormageddonDLA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Got the wife pretty good

My wife was rubbing my back when she said "Oh, I love your bare skin!"
I turn to her, lean in and softly whisper "I love your human skin"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtayjay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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The wife did a good one!

Son asked how to spell "Chocolate Rain" because he heard he should watch it on YouTube.

Wife is not internet savvy and has never heard of it. I have to explain the meme, write it down so kid can google it.

Couple of minutes later, Wife says "I really thought that googling 'Chocolate Rain' could make for a real shitstorm!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFurrypants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2017
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The wife hates my dad jokes, but she had a good one

We were driving behind someone in a van, and the back was filled with toilet paper. So she said "wow, they must be preparing for the apoca-shits"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgentThor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2015
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Got the wife pretty good just now...

Wife: I bet dollars go pretty far in Turkey.

Me: Yeah. I think the exchange rate is around $1-2 per lb.

Wife: stares

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phlarp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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Wife leaving town for a few days..I found the key to a good joke

I was hanging my car keys on the key hook for the night. My wife, leaving town for a few days says: I remembered to leave the mail key on the hook

Me: that's good, the female key was getting lonely.

Not even a smirk from her. I made myself snicker out loud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beaverhick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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The Wife got me good...

Wife: I feel like Clint Eastwood...

Me: Why?

Wife: Because I'm all dirty and hairy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laruae
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
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