My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
My wife left me because I'm insecure.
Oh, no, wait, she's back. She just went for groceries.
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '
Thank you for the awards
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person
Her actual word were “you’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
What did the Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing he was gladiator.
My wife and I share the same sense of humour.
We have to....She doesn't have one.
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes.
Then she smiled and hugged me tightly.
Why did the geologist’s wife divorce him?
Because he took her for granite 😁
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
What do you call a hippies wife?
My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.
I told her she would roux the day.
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
Wife took a picture of Doctor Hoo
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
I asked my wife why she lied about where she grew up.
She replied (while using the bathroom): What are you talking about?
I said: You told me you were an American, but European.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
My wife just broke up with me. She's sick and tired of my constant Zodiac puns.
It Taurus apart. I'm in Pisces typing this.
I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.
I’ll hand them to her and say “Here’s the fruits of your labor.”
Asked my wife how many diapers I should get
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
I tripped over my wife’s bra...
My wife is really angry that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
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