Husband Wife Puns

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

Eureka!

Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,

“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:

This has to stop

I'm fed up

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."

(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)

So he became 90

The husband says that he didn’t know she sold flowers

She still treats me like number two.

Husband: emphatic no, five letters Wife: never H: pistol, three letters W: gun H: disgust, three letters W: ugh H: charity, four letters W: give H: female sheep, three letters W: ewe H: Pixar movie, two letters W: Up

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

“If they have eggs, get a dozen” she said. A half hour later, the husband comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Wife: She’s so beautiful look how skinny she is Husband: she’s so skinny she can hang glide with a Dorito Wife: WOW! That was original Husband: No honey, it was actually Cool Ranch

Husband: Nut n Honey

Wife: No really, what?

(Sounds like "Nothing honey")

Credit: Kelloggs commercial

Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"

The domineering wife thought the house needed a cantilevered balcony while the husband thought that it would ruin the aesthetic of the design. She told him he was an idiot and to keep his mouth shut. His friends hated to see her treat him so badly.
They always said “Why cantilever?”

It was grounds for divorce.

He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"

"Honey, I'm pregnant!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"That's another way of saying it, I guess, yeah."

The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" -- to which his wife embraces him comfortably

...the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"

Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL

The husband suggested composite materials. Meanwhile the wife took him for granite

“Not in front of the kids!”

Both of them are working, but the husband never did house chores and left it all to the wife. It's also the wife who dealt with everything about their children.

One day the wife can't take it anymore and lashed out.

Wife: "I'm tired with work too you know? Why don't you try putting yourself in my shoes?"

Husband: "I can't. Your shoes are too small."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

I'm home beer

In the end, the judge dismissed it because the only evidence was "he shed, she shed".

Wife says “Because I don’t like calling you when you’re at work”

Husband: “I have a better fucking idea.“

But the steaks were too high

The husband handed the baby back and said "well then, give me the one my wife did make!"

He got in a load of trouble.

And I said, “Honey, watch out for those double contractions! They’re brutal.”

There shouldn’t’ve been another one for at least 10 minutes,

According to the bible, "Hebrews"

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six." A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks. He replies, "They had avocados!"