The man, tearing up, takes his wife's hand and says, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm going to be a dad."
Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.
Man-dating it.
Wife: Sweet! How much are we talking??
Husband: Well it is normally $1000, but this time I got $1000.02!!!!!!!
Wife: ...thats not that great.
Husband: Well I think it is, but that’s just my two cents.
“Currently”
He says: "Do whatever you want. Just leave me alone".
He has a lot experience working remote
the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
Yeah, I tractor down.
I said, “what have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?”
He looked really confused and said “What? I didn’t leave anything out”
“because the dog is over here sawing some logs!”
he can't have my nose, I need it!
I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
He took her for granite.
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
Imagine my surprise when I saw my son was colored blue on Christmas morning.
Eureka!
"Dad, once I reach 99 lb, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."
He was their sole bread wiener.
But I couldn't ignore the red flags any longer.
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
Blue balls
Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”
Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",
" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."
Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?
Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.
Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:
This has to stop
I'm fed up
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
A woman calls her husband's doctor. "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"
"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."
A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said “give her another, dad.” And he responded with “what’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”
He thought it was a fine joke.
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."
(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
A brad pitture
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
The judge asked her, “first offender” “No,” she says “first a Gibson then a Fender
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
