A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
Husband to wife, trying to be funny, "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife, "No you're not."
Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
Motherfucker.
I'm in my kitchen this morning trying to make myself some oatmeal when I discover that we are out of bowls yet again. (We only have a couple and we have a roommate, so this is a common problem.)
I say to my husband, "We need more fucking bowls! This is bullshit!"
He starts to giggle.
"What the fuck is so funny about not having enough bowls???"
"It sounded like you said, 'This is bowlshit.'" He continues to laugh.
Sigh.
My wife woke up late. So she asked me to help her with her morning routine, things like making her a lunch and stuff like that. When she was ready for work, she said, "Thanks, Husband. Sorry you had to pick up the slack. I got a little behind."
I teasingly said, "Is it under the rest of it?" ^^Oh ^^man, ^^I ^^hope ^^she ^^finds ^^this ^^funny.
Thankfully, she got a good laugh out of it.
I went over to my friend's house, as we're planning a weekend of camping in funny clothes, and there’s still some sewing left to do.
Her: Do you know if your mom knows how to sew gussets? Me: I can only GUSSET my mom's skills with sewing.
I laughed, her husband laughed. She and the children groaned.
