My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...
So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.
Almost non of my friends gets this joke
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He says he can't complain
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
It’s been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I have a Russian friend who is a sound technician.
And I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
When I was 8 years old my best friend died from a velcro accident.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I once got into a bar fight with the number 1. His friends 3, 5, 7, and 9 showed up to help him.
The odds were against me.
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary
I said, “Mark, my words!”
No world for old friends. (Howie & Aidan robot discourses, iaio #23 by how.how comics)
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, “If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?”
I said, “No, we will still be friends.”
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
2020 is just one long episode of Friends...
Because it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year
So I had this conversation with a friend just now
The other day I had a friend ask me what I thought about Bruce Willis
Told him I'm a Die Hard fan
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.
When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.
When the friend told this story the other friend then said,
#“Man, you have gelat of problems.”
My friend joined a cult who believe that we’ll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... you’ll be mist...
My friend is a rapper with insomnia
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
So I told this joke about bombs to my friends
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there...
...he said he couldn't complain.
A friend of mine is starting a new business... he thinks there's going to be a huge demand for cannabis-fed cattle.
I thought about investing, but the steaks are too high.
My flat-earther friend was determined to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat.
in the end, he came around.
My friend’s bakery burned down
Now his business is toast
My friend thinks he's a paranoid
I said, don't worry. You're not alone.
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
My friend Shirley was obsessedwith adverb grammar but would never get off her ass.
We called her Slowly Butt Shirley
My friend is addicted to brake cleaner
He says he can stop whenever he wants
I asked my friend: How was the Indian dinner?
He said "Pretty good. Why do you ask"
My dad just told me this one: Two WiFi engineer friends of mine just got married.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
A friend asked me for a delicately infused hot drink.
So I gave him a subtlety.
My friend and I went fishing. He cast out first and got a bite. So he reeled in a trumpet. Then he cast out in a different area, got a bite and reeled in a clarinet.
After he cast out the third time, I said "maybe you'll reel in a bass soon!"
I've noticed I have been saying "mucho" more when speaking with my Hispanic friends...
Friend: How'd you know my favorite basketball player was Dirk Nowitski?
Me: I took a stab in the Dirk
Friend: Oh God nooooo!
My friend just got a job as a elevator repair technician
they're really moving up in the company.
My wife says she’s got a friend that only eats vegetables.
Not sure if it’s true, I haven’t met herbivore.
My friend who worked at an orange soda factory said they had small boats in thier factory
I heard they go sailing on the hi-c's
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
I was telling my friend there's only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked.
My friend has no arms and loves to make jokes about it. They're never any good though.
He doesn't have a funny bone in his body.
I wrote a card for my friend who just graduated high school and wants to study geology and/or paleontology in college. She also likes puns :)
My friend wouldn't believe that Canada has a Prime Minster.
My name’s David, but my Chinese friends call me Dawei.
I guess that’s just dawei it is.
The other day, my hot friend told me he could sign a piece of paper with his hotness.
Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"
With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
A friend once asked me, “How are your legs not sweating?”
I said, “It’s all in the jeans.”
Here is a pun for all my bible reading friends
In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"
My friend from Paris took part in a national barista contest
And he won! I read it in the French press
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
Today, my friend asked me “who is going to protect us from COVID?”
My friend sat on a battery the other day.
I asked if they were shocked?
I know, I know, it’s a revolting joke.
My friend loves napping
I find him very into resting
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
My friend Richard bought a new house only to rebuild as ugly as he could. All his new neighbors hate him.
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....
a friend of mine dared me to steal some kitchen supplies
but that just wasn't a whisk I was willing to take
My friend texted me saying he jumped off a tower, I said yeah right...
He says ‘I’m dead serious!’
During his wedding, my friend told me that I was the worst best man he has ever seen.
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...
My friend from high school became an engineer or something.
He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.
One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.
So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"
He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."
A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.
He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."
I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.
He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"
One day I invited a friend of mine over to my apartment.
When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.
I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."
My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"
I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."
He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
My friends and I were discussing about different kinds of alcoholic drinks, and this guy kept talking about a Japanese one
My friend bought me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.
It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.
Getting quite tired of my friends calling me a pathological liar
Being the head of the NSA during the week and captaining the International Space Station on the weekends can be very exhausting
A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...
When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died.
Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage..
So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew jus
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My best friend has a good eye for dad jokes...
But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.
My friend got me a prostitute for my birthday, but he didn't know I'm turned off by bad teeth.
I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.
I have a big dick friend
He is 7 feet tall, and his name is Richard
A friend of mine overdosed on Viagra today.
I feel sorry was his wife. She’s taking it pretty hard.
My friend made a joke about wanting to steal my weight set.
I told him it was not something to take lightly.
My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.
But he prefers the term orchestrating
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
What shark doesn't have any friends?
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
My friend is a ghost writer.
He is currently working on his boo-ography.
I friend of mine got married...
She got a new name and a dress out of it.
I was really mad at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
My friend has a pet invertebrate.
The pet loves reading. Guess you could say he is a bookworm.
After going back to college to get yet another degree, some of my friends made fun of me for it.
They were some real 3rd degree burns.
My best friend's bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.