My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...
She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I was telling my friend there's only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked.
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, "NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" and I said, "That's Superman..."
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
I was proud of it but none of my friends really appreciated it, so maybe it’ll find some love here.
My Irish friend went to a costume party carrying a women on his back. I asked what he was and he said he was a turtle. I asked "so who is she?"
He replied, "This is Michelle!"
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
My friend has a strong prejudice towards people who have no feet...
I think he’s lack-toes intolerant.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
I asked my North Korean friend how he was...
He said he can't complain.
My friend made this i hate him
Be careful on the road, my friends!
Whenever I'm sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Doesn't he need to change? I bet his best friend's name is penny.
I was out with two friends recently. One of them asked if I can knot
Me: I cannot
Friend: ah so you can knot
Me: no I cannot knot
Friend: knot knot?
Other friend: who's there
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Latino friends more lately
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!
If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.
My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living.
He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.
Made my friend draw me a ham sand witch!
I have a friend who teaches Germanic languages.
I asked him if he likes those dots that go over certain vowels.
He replied, "Umm, lots!"
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
My friend believes that a horse is living inside of him.
He's been hospitalized, his condition is listed as stable.
My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows
What a weird thing to lye about
My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend...
...but I couldn't catch them all.
Ramadan is starting today. To all my Muslim friends who are observing this holy month, I have one thing to say.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
I haven't heard from my italian friend for a while now
I'm starting to think he pasta away
Corn is such a good friend to talk to
Why couldn't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cookpot and his best friend?
My friends love me. They know me. They love to know me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but when I’m with my friends Colby and jack...
I overheard this guy whispering Pokemon jokes to a friend
But I couldn't catch them all
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
Me with my friend in a restaurant after finishing food
Waiter asking me how would you like to pay sir? Cash or Card!
Me looking at my friend: PayPal
Mike Tyson gifted little metal cups to his friends...
When they asked what it meant, he said it was a thimble of friendship!
I like to use the word mucho around my Spanish friends....
because I know it means a lot to them
My Himalayan friend has a bull that refuses to stand up.
I always see Himalayan there.
My friends wife says she can't resist me.
I guess that makes me an ohm wrecker
I cooked for a friend at my BBQ, and forgot he was a vegetarian.
I made a mistake. I made him a steak.
This morning, I told my Australian friend that the store was having a sale, and that he should check it out. He looked up at me, took out his earphones and said...
I have a friend who's tall and skinny.
His name is Rod. He's Polish.
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
I once knew a guy that liked to bask in the sun. He touched my circle of friends but did not enter it...
Wanna hear a story of how my Himalayan friend and I climbed Mt Everest?
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
I was having some back issues, so I went to my Egyptian friend
Friend Who I Haven't Seen in a While: your kid's gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
My friend was confused when he saw me walking around with bananas on my feet.
I told him they were my slippers.
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
One friend of mine is LITERALLY a legend...
He always helps me with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean.
My best friend made me some cookies the other day. "Wow, did you make them yourself?"
"Yeah," He responded
"They're Homie made."
My friend challenged me to a hang gliding race, and he got angry after I beat him.
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
I told my friends and family a coronavirus joke at the start of quarantine, and no one laughed.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had
He started counting but fell asleep.
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have....a lot in common.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Why did the apple stop looking for his banana friend?
It was a fruit-less search
My friend tried to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He made some excellent points.
Whenever a dad sees a friend in a restaurant:
“Oh so they’re just letting anyone in here?”
My friend told me he could no longer afford his water bill...
So I got him a card that says "get well soon"
My friend traded an old jalopy for a citrus fruit...
My friend bet me 100$ I wouldn't be able to get the prime cuts of meat from the top shelf.
My wife told me, “Don’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”
...”You’re much bigger than that.”
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
My friend asked me how the text-to-speech feature works on his phone, but I didn't bother explaining it to him.
Outside of a dog, a man’s best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
What do you call your French friend?
One of my friends made a mini-computer. Saw my opportunity and took it :)
My friend wanted to walk across a large Ukrainian river
I said it's not a good idea because it's Dnieper than you think.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
My friend told me to stop singing I’m a believer and I thought she was joking
My friend was very irritated because his fishing pole broke and he had to wind up the fishing line manually.
He was being a reel crank.
My friend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns
But toucan play that game
I asked a friend when's her birthday. She told me: 'March 1st'.
So I started marching and asked her again.
I’m really good at making my friends hot drinks
Some of them call it my special tea.
My friend just became CEO of a garbage bag company.
I knew a guy who's best friend was a sea bird gifted by his dad's second wife.
It was his plover from another mother.