I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables.
All my hispanic friends love it when I say “mucho.”
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
My friend David lost his ID today
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn.... 🎶
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, “they’re mostly dead”
When your friends know you love puns and send you things like this >>>>>>
My friend just can't afford to pay his huge water bill...
I've sent him a Get Well Soon card.
My friend and I swim a lot
People regularly consider us as fishy
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
My friend had the left side of his body ripped off in an accident.
But the doctor said he’ll be all right.
I told my friend I was going to rob a toy store for some board games
He said I could go to jail for it. I said it was a Risk worth taking
I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
I was going to tell my friend a terrible bowling joke
It’s a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldn’t whisk for a batter friend.
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
I dont really have that many friends...
But me and my recliner go way back.
My friend was worried about hitting all the bars on his guitar neck at his recital...
A friend of mine just said to me “I’m training to be garbage man”
I said “You don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”
My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....
So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....
I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but it came out blurry.
He has selfie-steam issues
Played a game with friends...was not disappointed!
Painted a Christmas card for a friend who hates puns....
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
A story of my friend Al
While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al
As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al
When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al
When he tells clever jokes, he’s Comic Al
He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
My friend David lost his ID,
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
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