Friend Puns

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

He just can’t part with it.

Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV

I know he means well.

..so we stopped and went home.

So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I always see Himalayan there.

He says he can't complain

She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

It was a third degree burn.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

And I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

RIP

He really gets a kick out of it.

The odds were against me.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

I said, “No, we will still be friends.”

It means a lot to him

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Because it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year

Told him I'm a Die Hard fan

“...my mother was never a young boy.”

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#“Man, you have gelat of problems.”

I said... you’ll be mist...

Lil’ Sleep

Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it

But it got diffused

...he said he couldn't complain.

I thought about investing, but the steaks are too high.

in the end, he came around.

Now his business is toast

I said, don't worry. You're not alone.

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

We called her Slowly Butt Shirley

He says he can stop whenever he wants

He said "Pretty good. Why do you ask"

"Just curry-us"

The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!

So I gave him a subtlety.

After he cast out the third time, I said "maybe you'll reel in a bass soon!"

It means a lot to them.

Me: I took a stab in the Dirk

Friend: Oh God nooooo!

they're really moving up in the company.

Not sure if it’s true, I haven’t met herbivore.

I heard they go sailing on the hi-c's

We got a long well.

"Which is?" he asked.

"Exactly."

He doesn't have a funny bone in his body.

I told him it's Trudeau.

I guess that’s just dawei it is.

Me, being fed up with him always boasting, I asked," How could you even do that?"

With a smug smile plastered on his face, he replied," Thermal Signature."

...he’s really a big lyre.

I know he means well.

I said, “It’s all in the jeans.”

In an alternate universe, God sends popeye down to speak to moses. When Moses asks Popeye who he is, he responds
"I yam who yam"

And he won! I read it in the French press

I don’t know Y.

I said “yes they are.”

I asked if they were shocked?

I know, I know, it’s a revolting joke.

I find him very into resting

It's the Wurst Käse scenario

Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)

It was a Dick move.

Sofa sew good.

but that just wasn't a whisk I was willing to take

He says ‘I’m dead serious!’

I was speechless.

"Theraflu."

He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.

One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.

So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"

He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."

A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.

He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."

I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.

He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"

When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.

I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."

My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"

I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."

He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"

Dad: "Keep mum."

just for the Sake of it

It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.

Being the head of the NSA during the week and captaining the International Space Station on the weekends can be very exhausting

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew jus

But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.

I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

He is 7 feet tall, and his name is Richard

I feel sorry was his wife. She’s taking it pretty hard.

I told him it was not something to take lightly.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

I told him "I'm generally managing"

A loan shark

"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."

He is currently working on his boo-ography.

She got a new name and a dress out of it.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

The pet loves reading. Guess you could say he is a bookworm.

They were some real 3rd degree burns.

Now his business is toast.