My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
My friend got a role as an extra in a film. His job was to approach the lead actor and comb her hair away from the middle of her head...
A friend of mine is a dermatologist
He started his career from scratch.
I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.
A friend of mine told me he was looking to buy stock in Bose.
I told him it would be a sound investment.
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
A friend of mine asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine...
I said, "Oooh!! About 15 minutes. "
A friend of mine just said to me “I’m training to be garbage man”
I said “You don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”
My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
If a friend left you 12 bottles of wine on your doorstep, would you be extremely....
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.
He was an artificial art official.
A friend of mine has starting collecting mirrors
Personally, I don't know what he sees in them.
A story of my friend Al
While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al
As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al
When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al
When he tells clever jokes, he’s Comic Al
He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
My friend started making fun of a man on wheelchair.
I said him "dude stop pulling his leg... It's not funny"
I told my friend I was a big fan of Metallica.
He challenged me and asked me to name 3 songs. I told him "I'm sorry. I only know One"
My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn’t afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...
One of my friends told me he was opening a clothing store that sold everything except for hats.
I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."
A friend of mine needs skin grafts for surgery, but thankfully, he doesn't need donors.
That's no skin off of my nose!
My friend got me an action figure of a birdman with an abacus for Christmas
I didn’t really want it but it’s the Thoth that counts
My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.
I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...
I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.
A friend of mine just died from eating too many herbs
A friend of mine just named their child Geneva.
It’s rather too conventional for me...
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and I’ve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
I've got a friend who reckons he can make high cuisine out of stock cubes.
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
I work in a sauce factory and saw an old friend of mine
I walked over to him and said, " Hey! haven't seen you in a really long time! Let's Ketchup!"
My friend has a lot of knowledge about Islamic festivals.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books.
I told him that he's only got his shelf to blame.
My friend announced that he parkoured his way to the top of a pub, but nobody cared.
After all, it was a low bar to climb.
A guy asks his friend, "Do you know how many people have died because of these masks?"
The friend replied, " No buddy".
A man named six gave his friends three and five some chocolate bars. Three got 7 chocolate bars and five got eight of them. Three was upset he had less than five did, and five was sad that his friend was sad, so he asked six if three could have another chocolate bar.
He gave one to three for five
My friend said he made a voodoo doll of me.
I think he's pulling my leg.
Guys, I have a question. Me and a friend are arguing about the setting of the Ace Attorney games.
He keeps telling me its LA, but its gotta be Phoenix, right?
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
