It’s for Hispanic attacks.
The punchline might not be apparent but at least it's all groan up
I said, "That's just nuts."
He was very down to earth.
His funeral was very low key
I say, Yoga?! Pff, that’s a stretch.
My uncle's in dyer need.
Whether you groan or moan
It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.
Heard this one on Whose Line last night. Credit to Ryan Stiles.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
It’s because everyone thought it was ricest.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
The new slogan is "With great power comes great rice possibilities."
He had good presents of mind.
She closed due to terrier-able sales.
Cause they're so un-cool.
I guess you can say he was embedded
He was a one-hint wonder!
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?
He said it was his weak end.
I called some relatives and got to hear this gem of a conversation:
My stupid teenage cousin wants to go to some party and my uncle was so cringe. He said to him that everything was dangerous due to exposure and he quoted statements made popular in the news:
Steven: I want to go to Nikki's No School party.
Uncle: Are you crazy? You have to be safe. What about social distancing, Steve?
Steven: I'm not going to get sick. I'm not old.
Uncle: Yeah you can, you idiot. You're not going. Hashtag go home, I mean stay home.
I was like 🙄
I got a complex.
Me: Nah. Can't even pub crawl.
So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.
After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...
Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.
She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.
His name was Terry Aki.
He made a fortune in Returns...
He had nerfs of steel
but he couldn't pass the bar.
They’re his watch dogs!
He’s just Dav now
Good thing is he's always gonna be a cold-headed thinker
Credits to my dad who just said that in a family meeting
Where there's a will, there's a whey.
It’s the Auntie Derivative.
My dad says “the whole restaurant?” I laughed because it was so bad
We all have to make do sometimes.
Lovely bloke, but a terrible bank manager
Dad: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”
It’s a wonder how stadiums get so hot when they’re all filled with fans
She's Aunty Dan Druff
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
“OH MY GOD, A BUS!!!!!”
His jokes are quite corny.
He's set for life.
Son: maybe it's so he could be a frank in stein? Me: Dammit Frank!
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.
"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."
My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."
Those were his last words.
So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:
Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.
Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.
Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.
Me: what do you mean?
Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say ‘I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.
Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.
Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):
Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!
Friend: Congratulations! What subject?
Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.
He heard about the earthquakes, and that there were likely more on the way, so he gave her a call.
But she didn't answer.
So, instead, He just left this message:
"Hey Sunshine, just calling to check on ya-- see what's shaking. Call me back, love you!"
(Don't feel bad, I groaned too 🤷♂️)
“I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..”
“Really, what’s the name of his other leg?”
She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying “that’s funny Daddy”...
We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.
My brother is still cracking up and very proud.
I was glad to have the auntie dote.
It took months to wind up his estate
they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.
The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!
I'll tell you something working in HVAC sucks... Other times it blows...
As he was walking it over to his car he said “be careful guys 🎶 I’ve got the whole world in my hands🎶”
cuz he gotta pay the bill
It's all relative.
...but his Aunt May
How far do you think I can kick this bucket
He wasn’t feeling well so he went to his homeopathic doctor... they completely covered his back with lard and after that he went downhill pretty fast.
He said it megahertz.
After that, he went downhill fast.
It was a piercing gays.
"Give me roast beef, boys, and filet of sole. I also want lox on a Kaiser roll. That's all, today."
He took an oily retirement
He should have stopped eating at the first cake...
because he's always out standing in his field.
He left on a high note
When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.
Whether you groan or moan.