My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication.

It’s for Hispanic attacks.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrTomatoHead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
There's a variant of the dad joke which is called the uncle joke

The punchline might not be apparent but at least it's all groan up

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.

I said, "That's just nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
My uncle died in a building-collapse.

He was very down to earth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikshay05
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
My uncle always jokes that reaching the remote is middle aged yoga.

I say, Yoga?! Pff, that’s a stretch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exaball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
The guy who colors the cloth quit my uncle's factory without warning.

My uncle's in dyer need.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?

Whether you groan or moan

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....

Enrique Doubleglazius.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisispeculiar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

Heard this one on Whose Line last night. Credit to Ryan Stiles.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosk915
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.

Now that's what I call seizing the day.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazst
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that they are going to change the Uncle Ben’s logo?

It’s because everyone thought it was ricest.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8910ben
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.

It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

πŸ‘︎ 588
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trailsend85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
I heard that Marvel is now sponsoring Uncle Ben's rice and changing the picture to Peter Parker's uncle.

The new slogan is "With great power comes great rice possibilities."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jurassicbond
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
My wise uncle willed his frontal and occipital lobes to his son...

He had good presents of mind.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
My uncle's wife started a pet store that specialized in one breed of dog only...

She closed due to terrier-able sales.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Why does everyone dislike uncles?

Cause they're so un-cool.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rational_Th0ughts
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
My uncle was found dead inside his matress

I guess you can say he was embedded

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adorm_Snormp
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
My uncle worked for a newspaper's crossword puzzle team, but only contributed one awesome clue in his career...

He was a one-hint wonder!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though,

Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
After my uncle had his arm amputated, he named his nub β€œSaturday.”

He said it was his weak end.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
My uncle is so cringey lol

I called some relatives and got to hear this gem of a conversation:

My stupid teenage cousin wants to go to some party and my uncle was so cringe. He said to him that everything was dangerous due to exposure and he quoted statements made popular in the news:

Steven: I want to go to Nikki's No School party.

Uncle: Are you crazy? You have to be safe. What about social distancing, Steve?

Steven: I'm not going to get sick. I'm not old.

Uncle: Yeah you can, you idiot. You're not going. Hashtag go home, I mean stay home.

I was like πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yourenotquiteme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
When my uncle died, he left me an apartment building he owned, but I was really nervous about taking it.

I got a complex.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jason_Boyd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
Despite being the owner of a very successful nutrition supplements company, my uncle has developed a deficiency

Ironic.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagnetCarter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Uncle: Is he old enough to send on beer runs yet?

Me: Nah. Can't even pub crawl.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Immelmaneuver
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
My uncle made the best marinade ever.

His name was Terry Aki.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
My uncle posted this on Facebook...
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beat_by_beat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle invested in a company that made the Enter-key for computer keyboards...

He made a fortune in Returns...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun

He had nerfs of steel

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramiel01
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Well Bobs your uncle
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eeeeeeeeeeek_7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My drunk uncle tried to be a lawyer

but he couldn't pass the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs!

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Uncle Bert making a dick of himself
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle David just lost his wallet and phone and ID.

He’s just Dav now

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/qmechan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
My uncle has two Dobermans. Called "Rolex" and "Timex".

They're watchdogs.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
uncle ben
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astouve
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Your uncle is getting bald

Good thing is he's always gonna be a cold-headed thinker

Credits to my dad who just said that in a family meeting

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaK1N_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My dairy farmer uncle died leaving written legal instruction for me to inherit a single gallon of cheese production byproduct. Makes sense, because...

Where there's a will, there's a whey.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Calculus Teacher: It’s not the Uncle Derivative.

It’s the Auntie Derivative.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpecOpsAlpha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
This one is really bad my family was at the pizza place donatos, my uncle says to my dad β€œdo you want more donatos”

My dad says β€œthe whole restaurant?” I laughed because it was so bad

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/69eye8ur303
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle can't afford a toilet, so he has to use a bucket.

We all have to make do sometimes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GRWeston
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Uncle Ben
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peberkvaernen
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle always said "Neither a borrower or a lender be"

Lovely bloke, but a terrible bank manager

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving through farmland with the family, my dad randomly says β€œHey look! A whole flock of cows!” My uncle corrects him: β€œHerd of cows...”

Dad: β€œOf course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brik5ean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Vincent's property buying Uncle Donot Pass Gogh.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GatmanBegins
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle told me this

It’s a wonder how stadiums get so hot when they’re all filled with fans

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MclovinCanada
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I helped my uncle Jack off his horse.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle is convinced that his wife prevents flakey scalp in the hair

She's Aunty Dan Druff

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jrobbio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Your uncle David just lost his ID

Now you can call him uncle Dav.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nevarc_Xela
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanna hear a joke about my uncle and my virginity?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DJ_Stapler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words...

β€œOH MY GOD, A BUS!!!!!”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/becomeanhero69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I know this is late but my uncle got this for me for Christmas
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathodood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle's a farmer, but also a comedian.

His jokes are quite corny.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisboishere
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle has started a successful jelly factory.

He's set for life.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoscoeMG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I got in one little fight and my momma got scared...youre moving with your uncle in Bel Air!
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Everyone knows that Superman’s Dad is Jor-El, but his germophobic uncle is relatively unknown.

Pur-El.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: what's that in the beer glass on the mantle? Me: well, that's your uncle Frank that's where he wanted his remains. It was his favourite beer stein. He always said it would be funny, never got why.

Son: maybe it's so he could be a frank in stein? Me: Dammit Frank!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boon904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My Great Uncle's Final Words

My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.

"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."

My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."

Those were his last words.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Composer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My uncle is something else

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say β€˜I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yjohnson259
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle is an OG dad, schooling us all

Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):

Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!

Friend: Congratulations! What subject?

Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaSquad1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My Uncle Was Worried For His Daughter, Sunshine

He heard about the earthquakes, and that there were likely more on the way, so he gave her a call.

But she didn't answer.

So, instead, He just left this message:

"Hey Sunshine, just calling to check on ya-- see what's shaking. Call me back, love you!"

(Don't feel bad, I groaned too πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TurdChronicles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Introduced my 3 year old to Mary Poppins and she loves it. But keeps telling me the joke told by Bert and Uncle Albert.

β€œI know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..”

β€œReally, what’s the name of his other leg?”

She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying β€œthat’s funny Daddy”...

Love it.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My nephew just called us into the living room, saying "Dad, Uncle Squigles, all the light bulbs blew!"

We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.

My brother is still cracking up and very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSquigles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Oh no! They turned uncle ben into...
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/croongly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I was bitten by a venomous snake. Fortunately, my uncle's wife gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts.

I was glad to have the auntie dote.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NobilisUltima
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
After my uncle passed away we found over 3000 wristwatches stored in his basement.

It took months to wind up his estate

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MultipleScoregasm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle used to breed and sell parakeets...

they were flying off the shelves but he switched to chickens and they didn't take off. So he tried ducks and then it was all bills, bills, bills.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lineman5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.

The years go by so quickly... Afterme will be 21 next week!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cruachan2017
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is Barack' s southern uncle?

Al Obama

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/machi_koro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend's cousin was asking an uncle about his career in HVAC

I'll tell you something working in HVAC sucks... Other times it blows...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle sells luggage to people that don't need it.

Just in-case.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jebjum
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsareference123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My Uncle got a scratch off map for his birthday.

As he was walking it over to his car he said β€œbe careful guys 🎢 I’ve got the whole world in my handsπŸŽΆβ€

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lesterine17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle Bill's boss hates it when his pay day arrives

cuz he gotta pay the bill

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g0t__em
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when your gay uncle gets married?

Aunt man

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shizbiscuits
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Being an uncle and playing with a kid in park is a huge jeopardy.

It's all relative.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Uncle Ben would probably never discourage Peter from becoming an Avenger.

...but his Aunt May

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karmaniak
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
You wanna know what uncle terry said before he kicked the bucket

How far do you think I can kick this bucket

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turtlegamer22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did I ever tell you about my great-uncle Albert?

He wasn’t feeling well so he went to his homeopathic doctor... they completely covered his back with lard and after that he went downhill pretty fast.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blackhawk_pilot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle dropped his computer on his foot.

He said it megahertz.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeinthepnw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A month before my uncle died, he had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My uncle had a look which could slice through homosexual people.

It was a piercing gays.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OnTheEdje
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Uncle Kracker's order at the deli

"Give me roast beef, boys, and filet of sole. I also want lox on a Kaiser roll. That's all, today."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Haberdashery2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My uncle discovered petroleum in his backyard...

He took an oily retirement

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My uncle ate his 76th birthday cake today...

He should have stopped eating at the first cake...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xevetv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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A chat me and my uncle had about lamps prnt.sc/l7ov6z
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitchellb1440
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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My Uncle is one of the best farmers in the world

because he's always out standing in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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My uncle quit the orchestra after the conductor complained he was out of tune

He left on a high note

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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My uncle survived a freak storm at sea. He spent the rest of his life unemployed, telling taller and taller tales about it.

When he died penniless, he was living in squall lore.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?

Whether you groan or moan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adderalin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
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My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex...

They are his watch dogs.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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