My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby
I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"
Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.
BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!
Old but gold
turned himself around.
a sister becomes sister in law, a father becomes father in law, a mother becomes mother in law, a daughter and son becomes son and daughter in law, .
But, what does wife become?
Wife becomes the law.
In short his practice is shrinking.
It was good father-son-thyme.
You know what the biggest difference is between you and me? I'll give you a hint. It's a vast difference.
He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut!”
There once was a singer of old
Who then broke away from the fold
He won't give you up
He won't let you down
In short, you have been limeRick Rolled
As we are getting close to walking into the store we walk past three gentlemen standing outside and one of them is holding some lumber. My father in-law looks at them and says "Must be having an important board meeting, carry on gentlemen".
We died laughing.
That was a Klaus call
He apologized profusely, but I just told him, "You dim sum, you lose some."
He can’t work until he gets his permanent residency.
My wife said, “maybe he could move pianos for cash, under the table.”
Her dad said, “it’s hard enough moving pianos, hows he going to move them under a table?”
I told her, "just for the halibut (hell of it)"
We were all sitting on our back porch when a group or gaggle of geese flew by. We all said how weird it was that they fly like that. He said:
"Do you know why one side of the flying V is longer than the other?"
We all guessed a few things but no one actually knew. He grew that gay little old man smile on his face and said:
"Because there are more birds on that side"
What an evil man
Brother in law, "you know our twins have already said their first words?" Sister, "Oh?" Brother in law: "Yeah... we're hungry, fetus!"
... I think there was even groaning in the uterus...
We're oddly competetive about our omlette-making abilities, so tensions were already high.
Him, attempting to flip an omlette:
"Damn, it folded"
"Y'know, omlette this one slide, but you better step it up"
So my sister is pregnant and very pessimistic from being very pregnant. They're discussing blood types at the dinner table and I walk in mid conversation.
Bro-in-law: "You are A negative, and I am trying to B positive."
My sister started crying, I think because the joke was so bad.
My sister: We were out of brown sugar so I used sugar and molasses. Brother-in-law: How did the moles feel about that?
He then proceeded to laugh like a maniac when I groaned loudly.
Brother to his wife: "Colleen" just called, Sister in law: "What was she Colleen for?"
"What are you doing? Making a long distance call?"
He was so proud of the joke he called me in as the only other person who would appreciate it.
I said it was Oaktimus Pine...
"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"
My brother in law and I were helping my father in law move an old wooden organ.
When we got it on the truck, I asked my father in law what he was planning on doing with it.
My father in law says he isn't sure. Maybe he will donate it.
My brother In law: I guess that would make you an organ donor.
We were talking about being ambidextrous, and my dad grinned at me, turned to my brother-in-law and said: "You know what? I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
My sister recently got married so my dad has a new person to use all his jokes on. :D
Dad - what kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Me - idk dad Dad - SNEAKers
Brother in law - how do you make and egg roll Me - how? Brother in law - you push it.
They high five and laugh for about five minutes.
My sister realized her dog tore the old skirt that goes under the Christmas tree and was talking about buying a new one.
Her: You and I can buy a new skirt tomorrow.
Him: I don't know, I'm more of a pants kind of guy.
Notices that in Season 6 rapper Mos Def is listed as just Mos in the credits. Promptly says "I guess he got his hearing back!"
"Well, I got them all cut!"
Don't know how I didn't see it coming.
Sister: "I'm really thinking of a shih tzu."
Brother-in-law: "I don't know, I think it's a pretty good zoo."
Dad: oh no, now it will be up all night.
We had just left a restaurant and he had been holding this in the whole time Him: "sp3cimen you must be a lumberjack" Me: "Why's that?" Him: "Because you always smell like Axe! Ba dum tishhh" I've never been more proud.