… And I think that's poor for four.
It salad that never Ceasar's to amaze me.
...he still can't say "please", though, which I think is "poor for four".
Edit: "Por favor" is Spanish for please. :)
He's better off in the long run.
He "cod" me by surprise.
Because it's in a fish aunt.
"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.
have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssh
I knew he meant well.
He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"
He then said “he’s been a dad since I was born”
What do you call it when you watch scary videos on YouTube?
He said, “No. I still have two.”
I said, if they had more than two they wouldn't be called pair-o-chutes.
I told him he really should look into it.
He’s farmer qualified.
He said, “Nope. Still have two.”
We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.
My brother is still cracking up and very proud.
L. F. Ant!
It's a Bohemian Rap CD.
As it turns out, he turned to cannibalism, and my other sister was one of my nephew's victims.
He's a real aunteater.
I said "their there they're"
My young (about a year old) nephew was really grumpy all day and kept crying. My dad was holding him at the time, and my mom asks my dad, "Do you thing he's teething?". To which my father replies, "No, I'm pretty sure he's theriouth ("serious", but said with a lisp)".
After building a snowman yesterday:
Nephew: "Look grandpa, the snowman is still there!"
My dad: "Yeah but he's probably freezing."
They are selling salsa and he sent me the flyer.
I replied that I think it’s very unfair and he’s going to get sick eating that much salsa.
I guess this makes me his carbuncle.
He calls them auntie-jokes.
Nephew: No response
"Two week?" I said. "Is that why it's called 'Fortnight'?"
I told him "Be careful, it's closer than it appears."
Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"
This kid is going places.
Dad: So...what grade are you in now?
Them: Grade 8 (at the time)
Dad: Grade 8? ....best 4 years of my life
He says the exact same joke every single time.
"They are going to go in through the belly button with a pool cue and try to hit the ball back into the pocket" - such a dad joke, but we both died laughing.
I took my niece and nephews hiking today. In the car, my niece (6) said "I have mommy's ears". To which her brother (12) responded, "No, you have your own."
We started talking about making plans for Thanksgiving, and who could host. My brother in law started to offer his house, but then said "well I don't want to volunteer [his wife] - she's going to have a lot on her plate.
I replied, "It's Thanksgiving. We're all going to have a lot on our plates."
Me: "Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?"
Him: "No, why?"
Me: "Because there's more geese on that side"
Nephew was dressed as a hot dog for Halloween.
Me: Go ahead to the next house we will catch up Nephew (looking dejected): I don't have any ketchup.
Me: Knock, knock?
Nephew: Who's there?
Nephew: Owl, what are you doing awake? It's daytime!
This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"
Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"
Nephew: "why not?"
Me: "Because they have have bear feet"
My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"
The other night, my wife made a fantastic peach pie. It was the best one she has been ever made (she even put my initials in it with a heart around it). As she was showing off her handiwork, the pie slipped out of the pan and splattered everywhere. The wife started crying, the kids started complaining. My 23 year old nephew walks into the room and looks at the ensuing chaos. He grabs a handful of the mush, eats it, and says to my wife, "I think the pie turned out just peachy."
While driving around my brother told my nephew when they got home nephew needed to take a bath.
B: because you are dirty, you probably have potatoes growing in your ears
B: you have potatoes in your ears
B: potatoes grow in dirt, you have dirt in your ears
B: you have potatoes in your ears
N: I can't hear you dad
B: YOU HAVE POTAT....facepalm
Okay so this one may not be too special, but I thought it was hilarious. My nephew has a slight speech impediment which made it all the better.
I was visiting my brother and his family over the weekend. I decided to take the kids to the store so I yelled down the hall for my nephew (7 years old and sitting in his gitch) to get dressed. My niece who was also in the room said "I am dressed". Immediately after I heard this tiny little giggle followed by "hi dressed, I'm Isaac".
No one taught him this. All natural. The father is strong in this one.
Dropping my nephew off after a day of hanging out: Him: I love you, auntie. Me: I love you, too. Him: I love you ten!
I didn't get it or laugh until I was half way down the street. I'm also going to steal a 4 year-old's joke.
Nephew: Where is Indonesia located?
Me: Right next to Outdonesia.
"What are you doing? Making a long distance call?"
He was so proud of the joke he called me in as the only other person who would appreciate it.
Me: Dad, I bumped my head! Dad: Does your face hurt? Me: No... Dad: 'cause it's killin' me!
I miss Dad jokes. This subreddit makes me happy when I miss my Dad, because he would have loved these. :)
Brother: Are yo-yos still popular? Me: It goes up and down.
Pulling up to the grocery store with my 8.5 month pregnant wife, my mother, father and 12 year old nephew.
Wife "this place looks packed" Nephew "you look packed auntie"
Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say "He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed". The only person who laughed was my uncle.
Cousin: No I can't, I have a dentist's appointment at 2:20
Nephew: You sure it's not at tooth-hurty? shit eating grin
He later admitted that he saw it on the internet a while ago, however, his execution was flawless.
What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?
"I was showing Granddad my ocelot [toy], but he said it was so small, I should call it an ocelittle!" That's right Dad, get 'em while they're young...
Nephew 1 - I don't give into peer pressure.
Nephew 2 - What about apple pressure?
My mom, brother, dad and I were making the food for the dinner. When one of my nephews says "I'm hungry!" My dad and I both had a twinkle in our eyes, so I turn around, and with the most amount of sarcasm I could muster, I said: "Hi hungry, I'm jesusdo." My wife heard me in the living room, and said "oh leave the poor creature alone." My nephew said "I'm serious!" Then my dad said "but I thought that you were hungry a second ago."
Edit: added my dad's response.
Me: "Do you know where milk comes from?"
Nephew: "Yep, milk comes from the refrigerator."
So the men in my family and my nephew, who's 13, we're helping a family member move yesterday. Afterwards, we were sitting around chatting, and they start asking my nephew if he has a girlfriend, and he said he didn't because the girls at his school were all crazy. So that's when I told him, "it's ok, I used to date a Russian doll, but I broke up with her because she was too full of herself." Groans were had all around. My dad was proud though.
Her: They got us a really nice gift when I was pregnant so I want to get them something nice.
Me: What did they get you?
Her: It was a really cute 5-piece onesie set.
Me: You mean a five-sie?
She got tired of me giggling about it and left the room.
Talking with my niece about her senior project at a technical high school. She is in the culinary program and must make a dish representing her heritage. Since she is 50 % Native American, she went with Venison Chili.
My husband and I are hunters and we were able to provide her with some venison this year.
She mentioned another girl in the class was also doing venison but she ordered hers online and it was mailed to her.
I told her that hers was going to be better because hers was fresh.
Her younger brother looked at me with the most serious look on his face and asked, "If it's fresh, should we put it in the corner?"
Man, is he exactly like his father (my brother) and grandfather.
He was just finishing eating some of his mom's leftover birthday cake and his dad asked, ”do you want some milk to wash that cake down?”
Dad hand him a cup of milk which he promptly dumps onto his plate and starts scrubbing.
Another one: my brother had just finished unloading the dishwasher and his son starts clappingmand says, ”good job daddy, I'm so proud of you, you unloaded the dish washer all by yourself!”
My brother accused me of reading Calvin and Hobbes to him on the sly when he told his son it was bath time and he started licking himself and said, "I'll just lick myself, that's what tigers do."
Driving along the little one says "Look grampa! A flock of cows!" Grampa corrects him saying "Herd". The little man looks up and without missing a beat replies "No grampa. I SAW them. I didn't HEAR them!" Good stuff!