My four-year old nephew is trying to learn Spanish, but he can't even say "Please"…

… And I think that's poor for four.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
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My nephew just started eating vegetables

It salad that never Ceasar's to amaze me.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29
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My 4-year old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown...

...he still can't say "please", though, which I think is "poor for four".

Edit: "Por favor" is Spanish for please. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smdouglas2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
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My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash...

He's better off in the long run.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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I thought my nephew couldn't cook fish.

He "cod" me by surprise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ishmam7and7
πŸ“…︎ May 06
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Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?

Because it's in a fish aunt.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
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8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, -

"It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NemoKozeba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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So my nephew just wanted to know...

have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
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My nephew said he was trying to help out when he spilled a bucket of water from the hole in the ground...

I knew he meant well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/celticdude234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
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I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied "six". I said "how can he only be six if you're six"?

He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"

Credit: u/Alphawolf227

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_i_like_potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he said β€œsix” and I said that can’t be possible your six

He then said β€œhe’s been a dad since I was born”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drunk-kaboom8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
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My nephew started getting into YouTube and and made the worst joke I've ever heard.

What do you call it when you watch scary videos on YouTube?

Bootube.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneWhackMan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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I saw my nephew after a long time, and said β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”

He said, β€œNo. I still have two.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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My little nephew just asked why skydivers only have a single reserve parachute.

I said, if they had more than two they wouldn't be called pair-o-chutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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My nephew told me that he's never had vision insurance.

I told him he really should look into it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xerafoo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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I could never raise livestock. But my nephew can.

He’s farmer qualified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMackOnBass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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I saw my nephew after a year and said, β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”

He said, β€œNope. Still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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My nephew just called us into the living room, saying "Dad, Uncle Squigles, all the light bulbs blew!"

We walked into him giggling having just asked Alexa to change the lights to blue.

My brother is still cracking up and very proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSquigles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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From my 6yo nephew: What’s the name of the biggest insect?

L. F. Ant!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I bought my nephew a collection of hip-hop songs from Czechoslovakia.

It's a Bohemian Rap CD.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bundleofschtick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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I have a sister, and she has a son- my nephew.

As it turns out, he turned to cannibalism, and my other sister was one of my nephew's victims.

He's a real aunteater.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bearrunner44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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My nephew failed a grammar test. I consoled him

I said "their there they're"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dabroski710
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
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My dad dropped this one on the family when my young nephew started fussing.

My young (about a year old) nephew was really grumpy all day and kept crying. My dad was holding him at the time, and my mom asks my dad, "Do you thing he's teething?". To which my father replies, "No, I'm pretty sure he's theriouth ("serious", but said with a lisp)".

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightwizard
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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Dad talking to my 4-year-old nephew.

After building a snowman yesterday:

Nephew: "Look grandpa, the snowman is still there!"

My dad: "Yeah but he's probably freezing."

πŸ‘︎ 864
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cougazul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2016
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My nephew’s school is having a fundraiser.

They are selling salsa and he sent me the flyer.

https://i.imgur.com/TRmu8ry.jpg

I replied that I think it’s very unfair and he’s going to get sick eating that much salsa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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I don't have any kids. According to my nephew, this disqualifies me from telling dad jokes. But he's always preaching that my diet is too high in carbohydrates, so my eating habits really irritate him and get under his skin.

I guess this makes me his carbuncle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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I tell my nephew jokes with unfunny punchlines

He calls them auntie-jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pacetree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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My nephew and I saw a huge turtle in my in-laws yard. He took a picture to put on Snapchat.

Me: #snappingturtle

Nephew: No response

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arshort
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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What do you call your Mexican nephew?

Nacho kid!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheerfulsith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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My nephew was complaining that the weapon in his sandbox survival video game was "too week"

"Two week?" I said. "Is that why it's called 'Fortnight'?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/one_mississippi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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My nephew smacked his face on the rear view mirror of a car...

I told him "Be careful, it's closer than it appears."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpudsMcKensey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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Girlfriend asks her 9 year old nephew, who just ate a huge burrito in record time, to practice eating more slowly in the future

Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"

This kid is going places.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
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My dad says this every time he sees one of his niece or nephews

Dad: So...what grade are you in now?

Them: Grade 8 (at the time)

Dad: Grade 8? ....best 4 years of my life

He says the exact same joke every single time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jako67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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My nephew is having his undescended testicle repaired today via surgery my dad says this...

"They are going to go in through the belly button with a pool cue and try to hit the ball back into the pocket" - such a dad joke, but we both died laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2guineapigs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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My nephew has the gift of dad

I took my niece and nephews hiking today. In the car, my niece (6) said "I have mommy's ears". To which her brother (12) responded, "No, you have your own."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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My family was celebrating my nephew's birthday tonight

We started talking about making plans for Thanksgiving, and who could host. My brother in law started to offer his house, but then said "well I don't want to volunteer [his wife] - she's going to have a lot on her plate.

I replied, "It's Thanksgiving. We're all going to have a lot on our plates."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
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What did the rabbi say when he finally found his nephew after a drawn out session of hide-and-seek?

Found jew!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
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After pointing out some geese flying in a V to my nephew.

Me: "Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?"

Him: "No, why?"

Me: "Because there's more geese on that side"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scoo89
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2017
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My three year-old nephew is going to be a great dad

Nephew was dressed as a hot dog for Halloween.

Me: Go ahead to the next house we will catch up Nephew (looking dejected): I don't have any ketchup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImdownwDetroit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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Nephew reversed a knock knock joke earlier today

Me: Knock, knock?

Nephew: Who's there?

Me: Owl

Nephew: Owl, what are you doing awake? It's daytime!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/illwon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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Got my Nephew with the best Dad joke of my life

This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"

Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"

Nephew: "why not?"

Me: "Because they have have bear feet"

My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fr0zen_yetti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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My nephew is going to be a great father someday...

The other night, my wife made a fantastic peach pie. It was the best one she has been ever made (she even put my initials in it with a heart around it). As she was showing off her handiwork, the pie slipped out of the pan and splattered everywhere. The wife started crying, the kids started complaining. My 23 year old nephew walks into the room and looks at the ensuing chaos. He grabs a handful of the mush, eats it, and says to my wife, "I think the pie turned out just peachy."

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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My nephew got my brother

While driving around my brother told my nephew when they got home nephew needed to take a bath.

N: why?

B: because you are dirty, you probably have potatoes growing in your ears

N: what?

B: you have potatoes in your ears

N: what?

B: potatoes grow in dirt, you have dirt in your ears

N: what?

B: you have potatoes in your ears

N: I can't hear you dad

B: YOU HAVE POTAT....facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scoo89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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My nephew is on par to be the world's youngest dad

Okay so this one may not be too special, but I thought it was hilarious. My nephew has a slight speech impediment which made it all the better.

I was visiting my brother and his family over the weekend. I decided to take the kids to the store so I yelled down the hall for my nephew (7 years old and sitting in his gitch) to get dressed. My niece who was also in the room said "I am dressed". Immediately after I heard this tiny little giggle followed by "hi dressed, I'm Isaac".

No one taught him this. All natural. The father is strong in this one.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyBunch21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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Four year-old nephew loves me more

Dropping my nephew off after a day of hanging out: Him: I love you, auntie. Me: I love you, too. Him: I love you ten!

I didn't get it or laugh until I was half way down the street. I'm also going to steal a 4 year-old's joke.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibooger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2015
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My nephew had a tough geography question

Nephew: Where is Indonesia located?

Me: Right next to Outdonesia.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peengwen
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2016
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My nephew was playing with a corded telephone and walked so far the cord was stretched out. Enter my brother-in-law

"What are you doing? Making a long distance call?"


He was so proud of the joke he called me in as the only other person who would appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFoxpoint
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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The one joke that made me most angry as a kid, now I can't wait to use it on my niece/nephew.

Me: Dad, I bumped my head! Dad: Does your face hurt? Me: No... Dad: 'cause it's killin' me!

I miss Dad jokes. This subreddit makes me happy when I miss my Dad, because he would have loved these. :)

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenGemsOmally
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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My nephew got a yo-yo for Christmas.

Brother: Are yo-yos still popular? Me: It goes up and down.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelowZilch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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My nephew made me proud.

Pulling up to the grocery store with my 8.5 month pregnant wife, my mother, father and 12 year old nephew.

Wife "this place looks packed" Nephew "you look packed auntie"

Everyone laughs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohfukitschuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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Dad joked my nephew during my birthday party.

Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out for lunch. My cousin has a 2 year old son and they were horsing around. One thing led to another and his son bumped his head on a lamp. After a few seconds he started crying and everybody stopped talking. I look over at my cousin and say "He'll be fine, he's probably just a little light headed". The only person who laughed was my uncle.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnyapplsede
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
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My nephew gets it

Cousin: No I can't, I have a dentist's appointment at 2:20

Nephew: You sure it's not at tooth-hurty? shit eating grin

He later admitted that he saw it on the internet a while ago, however, his execution was flawless.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/japooki
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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My nephew sprung this one on me over the weekend.

What happened when the red ship crashed into the blue ship?

They marooned

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slazer2au
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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My nephew tattled on my dad...

"I was showing Granddad my ocelot [toy], but he said it was so small, I should call it an ocelittle!" That's right Dad, get 'em while they're young...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akumite
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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Overheard my nephew dad joke another nephew. 10/10 would overhear again.

Nephew 1 - I don't give into peer pressure.

Nephew 2 - What about apple pressure?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nzerguy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2015
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Hit my nephew with a classic.

My mom, brother, dad and I were making the food for the dinner. When one of my nephews says "I'm hungry!" My dad and I both had a twinkle in our eyes, so I turn around, and with the most amount of sarcasm I could muster, I said: "Hi hungry, I'm jesusdo." My wife heard me in the living room, and said "oh leave the poor creature alone." My nephew said "I'm serious!" Then my dad said "but I thought that you were hungry a second ago."

Edit: added my dad's response.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusdo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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My 3 year old nephew got me.

Me: "Do you know where milk comes from?"

Nephew: "Yep, milk comes from the refrigerator."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainer51
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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Uncle joked my nephew

So the men in my family and my nephew, who's 13, we're helping a family member move yesterday. Afterwards, we were sitting around chatting, and they start asking my nephew if he has a girlfriend, and he said he didn't because the girls at his school were all crazy. So that's when I told him, "it's ok, I used to date a Russian doll, but I broke up with her because she was too full of herself." Groans were had all around. My dad was proud though.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LT_DANS_ICECREAM
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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My wife and I have a nephew on the way and we're discussing Christmas gifts

Her: They got us a really nice gift when I was pregnant so I want to get them something nice.

Me: What did they get you?

Her: It was a really cute 5-piece onesie set.

Me: You mean a five-sie?

She got tired of me giggling about it and left the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/attic_raptors
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
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I just got dad joked by my 14 year old nephew.

Talking with my niece about her senior project at a technical high school. She is in the culinary program and must make a dish representing her heritage. Since she is 50 % Native American, she went with Venison Chili.

My husband and I are hunters and we were able to provide her with some venison this year.

She mentioned another girl in the class was also doing venison but she ordered hers online and it was mailed to her.

I told her that hers was going to be better because hers was fresh.

Her younger brother looked at me with the most serious look on his face and asked, "If it's fresh, should we put it in the corner?"

Man, is he exactly like his father (my brother) and grandfather.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenivare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2014
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Do nephew jokes count too? My brother has an (almost) 3 year old with a hilarious sense of humor.

He was just finishing eating some of his mom's leftover birthday cake and his dad asked, ”do you want some milk to wash that cake down?”

”sure”

Dad hand him a cup of milk which he promptly dumps onto his plate and starts scrubbing.

Another one: my brother had just finished unloading the dishwasher and his son starts clappingmand says, ”good job daddy, I'm so proud of you, you unloaded the dish washer all by yourself!”

My brother accused me of reading Calvin and Hobbes to him on the sly when he told his son it was bath time and he started licking himself and said, "I'll just lick myself, that's what tigers do."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13EchoTango
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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My friend's little nephew dad joked his grampa

Driving along the little one says "Look grampa! A flock of cows!" Grampa corrects him saying "Herd". The little man looks up and without missing a beat replies "No grampa. I SAW them. I didn't HEAR them!" Good stuff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russ_T_Razor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2014
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