Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Anna one, Anna two!
Now she’s in the ICU
Because pepper would make them sneeze!
She's six. She's awesome.
EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.
She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldn’t smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.
Chip off the old block she is!
Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!
It had lots of sax and violins.
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
It was a tender subject.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
I told her she’d be booked for resisting a rest.
I was putting spray-on sunscreen onto my (not slim) belly and my daughter, seeing the can and not remembering the correct word said, "hey, it's just like grafatty!). I couldn't stop laughing for a solid 5 minutes. I will never be able to put sunscreen on without thinking of that again.
She hides, and then I see how high I can count (out loud) before she gets annoyed and comes out to complain about the game.
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
"Hamster?" she laughed, "That's a snake".
My husband: I know, this trebuchet is amazing. Let's get our son!
I bet Lot's wife was salty when she found out.
It would be corny anyway
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
A chill pill.
I told her to stand in the corner because it's 90 degrees
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
A severed foot. It’s the ultimate stocking stuffer.
if he'd lettuce
It's ok, Alaska again later.
That they're politicool...
Im biased but i think its genius
She avoids meet
“Do you feel alright? Gosh I don’t know what your mom put in these things, but I falafel.”
(Falafel —> “feel-awful”)
I'd have a lot of doll hairs
"Maybe the Mesozoic Era?"
Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”
Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.
Proud dad moment.
It was a show of hands...
I said "well don't just stand there, in vitamin"
Hey, do you know where the farm is?
Just around the CORNer.
Yes, we live in Ohio. All the farms here are corn.
I told her to go stand in the corner. She asked me why.
I told her because it was 90 degrees.
We're watching "The Floor is Lava." One of the contestants is swinging across some bars.
She says, "she must have played on the monkey bars at school when she was a kid."
I say, "a lot of people did. I did."
She says "I played on them when I was a kid too."
That would be earlier today then.
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
Me: I know it's not for me. I'm just asking what you're making for lunch. Sheesh...
Daughter: <confused> Huh?
Me: I'm just asking you what you're making for lunch.
Daughter: And i told you. Nachos!
Me: You already told me it's not for me. You don't have to be mean about it!
Daughter: <pause> Dang it... <sighs> Go away...
Me: <laughs in dad joke>
But while she was doing it he passed gas on her instead.
She went “Ew” and passed him back.
I told her she was doing it wrong. Patting his back is about getting air out. If you pat him downward you’re pushing it to his bottom.
I then preceded to watch her pat his back in upward motions for 5 minutes while trying not to laugh.
Daughter: sing the theme song
Me: ‘Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SPONGEBOB THATS WHO!
"Was it called "In Honor of Elizabeth Reed" back then?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Unfortunately, she blew it...
It's one messed up, ugly ass tattoo.
“I’m a creek. I’m a riverrrrrrrr.”
I put it on the ground and backed up. I slowly raised my arm and yelled "chaaaaaarrrrggggeeee" , then I ran at it.
That is it. That is the joke. Welcome to Asheville, NC.
Actually she just sits around, smokes weed all day and never calls me, but a Dad can dream.
Dad: What are you eating?
Dad: Eddie... what?
Dad: Hola Beans! Soy Dad
"...has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
I got her to a hair stylist,but im not approving of this relationship.
Dad: “First, ask me if I care. I’ll give you a clue, it starts with the letter ‘N’”
Without giving me a bye five. :(
She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.
I guess she dropped the call
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
“Yep, that’s all she wrote!”
I’ve never built a bath before, can someone help me with plumbing it in?
Only 1,999 more words to go!!
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
The father said it was a very old story about two inventors named Johnson and Hues. One day Hues was working feverishly on his latest project and talking to himself out loud. Unfortunately for Johnson, his project was not going well and Hues' constant chatter was getting on his last nerve. Suddenly, Hues lept from his chair in excitement and said "I finally did it!" "I finally invented a protective layer of apparel to be worn on the feet!" Johnson was a timid man that never attempted to stifle Hues' talking, but he was about to snap. At last, Hues cried out one last time to himself "...but what shall I call them?", to which Johnson finally retorted, "SSSSHHHH, Hues!"
I told her it’s in a remote location.
She looked at me and said, “I’m having a T party.”
I delivered it on a dad joke platter
...”I love you”.
Oh, the timing, bless her comic soul.
What do you get when you cross a pug and a pig?
I told her I thought it was a bug bite and she asked 'But where did I get bitten?' and I said 'On your hand.' :D She even laughed! True story!
I'll name them Kate & Duplikate.
Me: "Well thanks for changing her back."
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
Me: Species is cargo.
Because he didn’t like sour mice.
Well, I said go left ahead.
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
"How is that true," I replied, "when you have seven siblings?"
Her: Dad, what does gay means? Me: Gay means happy, kid. Her : Are you gay dad? Me: No! I married your Mom.
My wife: That's a repost!
"Well first, mom and I are gonna go pick up our prescription glasses"
"And then we'll see."
At least that’s what I read in her diary.
Anna one Anna two
But I couldn't eggslpain.
Anna One, Anna Two