I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
From my daughter (so proud)

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryToHelpPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: β€œHow do you know it was going to school?”

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

πŸ‘︎ 658
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?

Thanks for the Baghdad!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alpha_Supreme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....

....and the second one Duplikate.

πŸ‘︎ 476
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wants a horse...

But first we need a stable income.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it?

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g5van5g
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate

And I'll name the other DupliKate

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salman_R
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 11 year old daughter. Did you hear the one about the man with the broken hearing aids?

Neither has he...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thrillhouse74
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.

I told her it was because Ken came in another box.

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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My friend told me, β€œYour wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 24k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A man's daughter wanted to have a tea party with him...

... the man agreed, but he doesn't have much experteas in the subject

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WarriorCats423
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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My 5 year old daughter: What is a ghost’s favorite day?

Boosday

I’m so proud. She was laughing so much!

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skyur45
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did

Daughter: "Quarantine."

Me: . . .

Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
While eating Thai food, my daughter asked β€œWhere is Thailand?”

I said right between winner-land and loser-land

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhoadsscholar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter to go to bed because the cows are sleeping. She asked what’s that go to do with anything..

I said it’s because it’s pasture bedtime.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBadMerman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I won't let my daughter near ducks...

Due to their fowl language

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter: How do people look underwater?

Dad: probably the same, just a little more wet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/originaljayno
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My daughter broke her finger today,

but on the other hand she was completely fine.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theuselessfuck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter got me a β€œCanada β€œ sweater for Christmas... I asked why since we live in the USA?

β€œIt’s aspirational β€œ she said.

Ooooof...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleep_adict
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Darth Vader daughter Elle?

Her power is on a whole different level! ( just made this up, my daughter eat impressed) lol

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atg0184
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. β€œHey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

πŸ‘︎ 682
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EagleTG
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I awoke this morning to a horrific stench coming from my daughter's crib. /r/TwoSentenceHorror/comm…
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevjonesin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked if I remembered β€˜Gotye’.

But I said he was somebody I used to know.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter had her 6th driving test yesterday. She got 8 out of 10.

The other 2 jumped out of the way.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 4 year old daughter: What does a shoe call an octopus?

A socktopus

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jradio610
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room. And then…

…IT hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was spelling out words to my wife so my daughter would not know what we were talking about.

She told me to stop spelling, it was giving her a headache.

Me: β€œO K”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dnkyhunter31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My 12 year old daughter got me today. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer was playing on the radio.

"What was the other reindeer's name?"

"Um, Dasher?"

No."

"Dancer?"

"No. Olive."

"Olive?"

"Yes! Olive, the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

I was very proud.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
This is my 4 year old daughters joke: Knock Knock?

Who’s there? Cargo. Cargo who? No! Owl goes who. Car goes Beep! Beep!

πŸ‘︎ 441
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.

"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"

She's well on her way to being the dad I never had

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hicd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted to clean her cardboard rocketship with her face cloth...

Trying to reduce the enormous amount of laundry associated with kids,

I said, "you don't need to clean your rocketship. It's not dirty. Space is a vacuum"....

I could hear my wife's eyes roll in the next room. Success!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tren898
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was practicing her flute today, she said at bar 45 she needs to add in a breath mark.

I teared up, after all these years she still doesn't know my name is David.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamilleViolist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...

I said: β€œIf you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "

I said "It's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: β€œHow do you know it was going to school?”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mlucasr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....

........and the second one DupliKate.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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