I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her sheβs wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Daughter: Dad, can you pause the movie so I can grab a snack.
Dad: (grabs the cats paws and pushes them) Sorry, I'm pushing pause but it's not working!
π︎ 121
π
︎ May 06 2021
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?
Because he lived in a pen!
So very proud!
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 08 2021
How do you get a farmer's daughter?
π︎ 50
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity!
π︎ 19
π
︎ May 04 2021
I recently bought my only Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday.
.. just so glad She's now finally independent.
π︎ 557
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
π︎ 251
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
From my daughter: Who do marshmallows like to hang out with at Easter?
π︎ 33
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
My daughter told me Jim Morrison is overrated.
I told her not to slam The Doors in my house.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
at the beach, i found a broken sand dollar, and i turned to Daughter, and said, hey i found a rapper...
she immediately responded, "50 cent"
it was rewarding because i could visibly see her internal groan at dumb dad joke, but then also self-horror that she was so quick to get the joke... win-win-win!!
π︎ 113
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
A daughter was lesbian and came out to her dad
βI like women, dadβ
He replied with, βLol sameβ
π︎ 40
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
(9 year old daughter tells me) What does a Dalmatian say after it eats dinner?
π︎ 40
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
My 8 year old daughter is a dad in the making
Daughter: Knock knock
Me: Whoβs there?
Daughter: Europe
Me: Europe who?
Daughter: No Iβm not!
Proud papa right now
π︎ 47
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 5. Thatβs the same time we began calling her by her middle name, Sarah.
Her first name is Eileen.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
I canβt stand my daughterβs π.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
I texted my daughter, "Did you know that superglue can also be used for cleaning!"
"Your computer keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
π︎ 57
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
My daughter recently had surgery and they couldnβt get the IV in but...
They just kept trying in vein!
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if heβs okay. He said, βYeah, Iβm great!β
π︎ 79
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
At dinner tonight, my daughter told me she was full...
I told her she didnβt have to finish her dinner.
She replied, βNo dad, my name is full!β
Sheβs learning!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
My daughter said she wanted to work for a company that had a great culture.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
Dad: *Watching cop show with daughter late at night* Dad: Time for bed kiddo! Daughter: Iβm not tired yet though!
Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, sheβs resisting arrest
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
My daughter goes to a school that requires a uniform. Occasionally, the administration will reward the children with a free dress day.
For some reason, my daughter never comes home with her free dress...???
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 31 2021
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
My gassy little daughter may not share much with ancient Egypt
But they have their toots in common.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
My daughter was complaining to me that the computer was frozen
I told her to just let it go
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
My daughter asked: what's on the inside of the nugget?
My wife said: the nu-guts
I'll see us all out now
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
From my daughter (so proud)
When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
π︎ 364
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
π︎ 366
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
Swiper went swiping at a farm and mistakenly stole the farmerβs daughter.
He thought she was a Dora bull.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
From my daughter
Dad I tried to catch fog today
But mist
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
Daughter : βDad, can you put my shoes on?β
Dad : βNo, I donβt think theyβll fit me.β
π︎ 36
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
My friend told me, βYour wife and daughter look like twins!β
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
π︎ 24k
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
At the checkout counter at my daughterβs favorite clothing store:
Clerk, attempting to add me to their email list: βDo you have a good email?β
Me: βItβs pretty good but I donβt know that I would brag about it. Thank you for asking.β
Clerk, as everyone around begins to laugh: βI love dad jokes. I need to call my dadβ
My daughter tried to fain embarrassment but still tells that story at family gatherings.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
π︎ 46
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
An original from my 5 year old daughter: Why was the egg itchy?
Because it had egg-zema.
She's suffered from eczema since she was a baby and I'm glad she can find humor in it.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
What did my daughter say when she put on her Frozen glasses?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
π︎ 411
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
My daughter asked for a unicorn for her birthday.
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 08 2021
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
π︎ 87
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
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