Dad Daughter Puns

Dad : “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”

opens the jar

Yep! I sure can!

closes it back and hands it back

My daughter again " ..... "

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

Or is it a low ha (Aloha)

My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."

9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"

She's well on her way to being the dad I never had

The Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

"I'm breathing underwater."

I've never been prouder.

Dad: No I'm putting up in the living room.

We were going somewhere and my daughter asked which direction are we going. I said, who cares about the direction! She said, Compass Does.

Our niece told us all in a family group text that they called the election.

I wrote “And did the election answer or did it go straight to voicemail?”

We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"

“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.

Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:

Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

“I don’t know, most three year olds aren’t that tall.”

Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?

Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.

Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.

Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt.

Me: that's because he's a party pooper!

Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this.

Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good.

Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”

Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”

I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.

Proud dad moment.

She's 7, here's her attempt:

I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.

Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."

My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

We're watching "The Floor is Lava." One of the contestants is swinging across some bars.

She says, "she must have played on the monkey bars at school when she was a kid."

I say, "a lot of people did. I did."

She says "I played on them when I was a kid too."

That would be earlier today then.

Dad, what do you call a dog in the sun?

I don't know, what?

A hot dog!

Helping my daughter with her remote-learning geometry schoolwork.

"Ok dad, imagine you are in a room with a ceiling and four walls. How many planes intersect the floor?"

"Well if that room was is in the Twin Towers, two."

One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?

Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.

Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"

She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.

Because he didn’t like sour mice.

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”

Dad: “First, ask me if I care. I’ll give you a clue, it starts with the letter ‘N’”

Me: “love, what’s a matter baby?”

Her: “nothing. What’s a matter with you?”

I’m so proud.

Dad: Keep at it! You will eventually wind up with a diamond !

Dad: It's not me - I'm not wearing any deodorant!

I said "Funnily enough it's grown on me too!"

In unison dead pan my wife and mother: “all of them”

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”

I only tell edgy jokes.

Years later and the loan is worth $23,000

She said she'd trade it for more dad jokes any day<3

I thought it was a very weird way to start a conversation.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Me: Go to the corner, it’s 90 degrees.

“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”