Papa, "What colour is it?"
3 yr old, "Blue."
Papa, "Where did you see it last?"
3 yr old: "In my hand."
I told him it was very unfortunate
Some people think it's gross but it's really good on toast. Diahrrea...
Grandpa: Depends ...
Hey look how far I can kick this can
He showed it to me and said “I made a fish sandwich.”
The pride was so great, I nearly shed a tear.
Yes I told him. Whenever I need expert advice.
Of course he is going to get a roster spot. He is already a Rasta
So he is called Json
"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
He said, "Grandson...How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”
He shook his head. “Not yet.”
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.
"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."
My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."
Those were his last words.
Cause that's how we catch steelheads.
Overheard our son asking the grandson when we went fishing this morning.
A proud moment indeed.
Dad: Do you have holes in your underwear?
Me: Uh, no.
Dad: Well then how do you get your legs through?
Granddad lying in hospital death bed Grandma: "Alright, write your grandson a note for him to remember you by." granddad picks up paper grandma gave him and writes a musical note on it It was his grand finally.
My daughter told me this joke, which I assume she made up on the spot: “There’s this grandma who has a world famous coleslaw recipe. At her family reunion she makes a huge batch. But her grandson, who hates coleslaw, refuses to have any. The grandma gets angry so her grandson gives in, and she heaps a large amount onto his plate. He stares at it sadly and says “I fought the slaw and the slaw won.”
This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.
One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.
One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.
One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”
I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says "my nose keeps running". He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells "got it!" super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes "that's funny right there" and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke.
I'm proud to be his grandson.
This older guy came in with his grandson and paid with a $100. As is policy, I had to use the marker to make sure it was real and look for the line. I asked someone to get me a marker, and the grandpa says, "I promise it's good, made it last night!"
It's nice when people have a sense of humor.
…when his grandson asks him, "where am I?" My dad replies, "you're right here" while at the same time pointing at his grandson irl. He never ceases to amaze me.
A grandfather is talking to his grandson in the den. He is reminiscing being a former paratrooper for the military. He began to tell his grandson the first time he had to jump out of a plane.
Grandfather: "Well there we were in the plane as the sergeant opened the door of the plane. He began yelling Go! Go! Go! And one by one troopers began jumping out. When the sergeant yelled for me to jump I couldn't do it, I was too scared. The sergeant then looked at me and says private if you don't jump I'm gonna fuck you in the ass."
Grandson looks up at grandfather and asks: "Well did you jump grandpa."
To which the grandfather replies: "A little at first."
Grandson: I've never had a rib eye steak before. What's the difference?
Grandpa: This one winks at ya!
He says "He's not just a Grandson he's a Granderson"
For those that don't know the mets have an outfielder with the last Granderson.
Today is my father's birthday so naturally we wanted his grandson, my son to tell him happy birthday on the phone. For some reason he was being super quiet. I kept saying "Say happy birthday to Papa, say happy birthday" Nope, nothin, nada. I say again "Say happy birthday silence.....say anything"
My son "Anything"
He's going to be a great Dad
I was sat a few seats away from a man and his son/grandson and he was testing the kid on his math.
Man: "what's 2+2"
Man: "what's 4+4"
Man: what's 8+8"
This continued all the way up to 2048
Man: "okay then... if you have two yards, what have you got?"
Kid: "umm.... two metres?... a metre?"
Man: "no, you have a back yard and a front yard"
I let out a little chuckle but the kid didn't seem to enjoy it as much
My father was playing with my two year old son (his grandson) in the yard and was talking to him about birds when they spotted a hummingbird. They were a little ways away from us and didnt even realize that I could hear them talking. My father says... "do you know hummingbirds hum?" to my two year old. Of course my two year, who is just learning to talk, didn't really have a reply. My father then says "CAUSE THEY DONT KNOW THE WORDS". Then he laughed and laughed while my two year old stared at him. Groans could be heard from across the yard.
I was wearing odd socks
Nonno: They are an odd pair of socks
Me: Yeah I have another pair just like it at home
I'm pretty sure I'm now the favourite grandson
Note: even though my great grandmother made this joke I feel it was dad-joke worthy.
While visiting my great grandmother (she's 96 yrs old during this time) recently she asked my dad for a foot massage, my dad happily obliged. She told him that he'd made her so proud in life to have a grandson like him and how wonderful he is while receiving the foot massage. My dad have the best massage he could muster for a good 30 minutes before he was too tired to continue. When my dad had finished massaging her feet he asked "how was that grandma?" Which she replied with "I haven't felt anything in my feet in 10 years" then she burst out laughing to the best that her health would allow. She passed away a few weeks later, she always played jokes on us even to her last days. Thanks for reading.
Rest in peace great grandma
TL:DR grandma needs new legs.
My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings.
Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to say ALL the time. Made me nostalgic...
My father runs a smoke shop in a small town. A young man comes in, and my father introduces him to me as the grandson of two of his other customers whom I have meet previously.
'Red, this it Ty, he's the grandson of Bob and Greg.'
Red: 'Bob and Greg are married?'
My son witnessed it, but I fear he may have been too young to remember this moment.