“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
I'm sure they'll do better next year.
I wish she would just Let It Go.
I said, “there you go, you’re that tall”.
ME: Why, was there something wrong with the old one?
"Blue paint!" (I'm so proud of her.)
I guess that’s why they called her Paige.
My son just went to a new barber. He asked for one inch to be left...the barber cut it to 1/4 inch. So he comes home, looking almost bald. His wife just started laughing when she saw it. His 8 year old did a perfect dad joke. She walked over, rubbed her hands on dad's head and sang, like Elsa... "Let it grow, let it grow!...."
While putting footie pajamas on my baby niece we realized she was too tall for them. My dad says, "Cut off her feet and they'll fit. She's young, she'll adapt."
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
My granddaughter was recently born, and she is, of course, perfection incarnate. However, the night she was born, I got my son.
We had left his girlfriend's hospital room where she was in labor (14 1/2 hours!) to get some coffee. As we did so, I gave him some fatherly advice.
Me: Son, you know how everyone acts like all babies are beautiful?
Me: Well, you and I both know that it's not true. There are some ugly babies out there. Now, I am not saying yours is going to be, I am sure she's going to be fine, but just in case...
Me: You know those signs at some bathrooms that say "Baby Changing Station"? Just stick her in there, close the lid...
Him: OMG, Dad, shut the fuck up!
Me: <literally tapdancing away>
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overhe... keep reading on reddit ➡
I asked my friend how exactly I might be related to one of my cousins...
Me: "So if my grandmother has a sister who happens to have a granddaughter, is she my second cousin?"
Friend: "Yeah.. I believe she is your second cousin"
Me: "So that means my children and her children are going to be minute cousins?"
I work as a server at a large chain restaurant (Applebee's), and got an old man at one of my tables tonight.
Old guy: I'll take a salad, Caesar.
Me: You can just call me Jeff
He grinned for about 10 seconds before chuckling, and I even got his wife and granddaughter laughing with it. Mission accomplished.
Grandpa was tucking his toddler granddaughter into her seat at the table when the waitress asked "would you like a high chair or a booster seat?" to which he instantly responded "No thanks I'm tall enough".
So the wife is looking at the TV guide, and she says "All that's on this week is marathons. There's a Law & Order marathon, a Blue Bloods marathon, a Bones marathon...".
So I say "They should have an Amazing Race marathon".
Granddaughter laughed for half a minute. Wife just groaned.
My mom is not more than 5 foot, so we all tease her about being short. My daughter is now as tall as her, so in church my mom is introducing her granddaughter to some friends and says that she has to wear elevator shoes to stay taller than her. I chime in, "yes, sometimes her elevator doesn't go to the top floor." The couple lost it, my mom was stunned, my daughter laughing her head off.