Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
This is going to be the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19
Usually it's because we can't afford it.
Argument at family dinner...
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
Do you know about the baker family?
Alcoholics don’t run in my family
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
If you ever find a house with a family of corn, don’t go snooping through their secret files.
What's a family called where everyone smokes??
My three most favorite things ever are eating my family
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I said, “Absolutely not! No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact..."
"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"
My family and I like to sleep during the day
My family tell me not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take
Today, I apologised to my family for replacing some words with their less appropriate synonyms..
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, “Dad, what do you think this is?...
...the Land of the Rising Son?”
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
I would only kill a clown if my family was about to starve to death.
We either digest the clown, or we die jesting!
family dinner table jokes be like
It’s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back
I guess it just runs in the jeans
At my wedding, my wife's family got into a fight with each other, the police were called, and then they ran from the cops.
So now my in-laws are out-laws.
My date asked, "Do you have family in another country?"
"Yes," I replied, "unless they're in the ocean."
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
My family calls me the King of Sofas
because I'm Sofa King lazy.
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.
My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing.
On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,
“Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?”
“No, why?” I responded.
“People are just dying to get in there!” he replied.
After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,
“But really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”
“Why not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.
“Because I’m not dead yet!”
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
When I was 4 I asked my dad what languages my family spoke and he said "Gibberish" as a joke
So I spent the next 10 years telling everybody that my family spoke Gibberish and English and always wondering why they would laugh after I said that
What is Captain Morgan’s fav board game to play with his family?
I challenged my entire family to see who could fast the longest.
You could say my competition is getting slim.
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
Apu and his family went on a bike ride.
It was known as the Nahasapeema-peloton.
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
Just got back from a camping trip with the family
The days were incredible, but the nights were in tents
How will he support his 3mm family?
My family is mad at the fact that I have a really bad sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right.
I told my friends and family a coronavirus joke at the start of quarantine, and no one laughed.
Moving my family to a wetland partially covered with water has been overwhelming...
My friends said that while in safari in Africa, his family was attacked by a herd of oxlike antelopes.
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
How many sisters does it take to feed an Italian family?
None, that’s the pasta’s job.
My family can’t seem to find the tv remote. They’ll never find where I hid it.
It’s in a very remote location.
As part of my community service, I had to hand out cans of pineapple to needy families...
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.
Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.
My family and I had a crazy camping trip...
So what if I'm not part of a culturally similar indigenous peoples inhabiting the Arctic regions of Greenland, Canada and Alaska that speaks a language that is part of the Eskimo–Aleut family.
I could try harder to be, but I guess I'm just not Inuit.
Standing firm for family values
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
My family always say I'm the stubborn one,
But I refuse to believe it.
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
My wife left me on a Family Field trip
I should've made my wife turn right.
I need glasses to see my family
More specifically, two glasses .... of scotch
(Credit: Norm Macdonald Live)
A family gets a rabbit, and friend comes over.
Friend: So what are you gonna name him?
Dad: It's a hare, actually.
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
Did you hear about the family that went on a safari, they saw a giraffe and a meerkat
That’s about the long and short of it
I’m starting to enjoy my family’s company...
...I have Stuck Home syndrome.
I got my family this new type of fancy European yogurt.
I hope it makes us more cultured.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
Dad, which state supports baking as a family activity?
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...
It was good to see dad's berth place.
family is family
Everybody knows Albert Einstein was a genius , but very few know his brother Frank was a monster.
Why did the Smurf family decide not to move into the new house?
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
My family laughed at my jokes about being in quarenteen...
Thanks! I'll be here all week!
My buddy says he’s a member of the royal family on paper
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say.... I’m behind The Times.
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
His family is broken at the moment
So I wanted to marry a muskmelon against my family's will
Unfortunately I cantaloupe
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
In a poor family, a son says to his dad: Dad I'm cold.
Dad: Go sit in the corner it's 90 degree
As a Chinese in Wuhan, I'm finally able to see my family!
Wait... that's not my family... neither is that...
Why are the women in the Trump family called the brass section?
Because they’re Trump-ettes
I asked my family not to speak at the dinner table.
What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?
Baby shart, do do do do
Mommy shart, do do do do
Daddy shart, do do do do...
While I joined the Army and started a family, my brother Samuel became a doctor. After one of his patients died, my kids asked him what happened.
He told them, "Sorry, Uncle Sam's health care isn't the best."
My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
Why didn’t the duck family take in the orphaned cygnet
Do you know why wrestler's family is terrified?
My whole family was mad at me
Family group chat asking my Dad about the giant bottle of Mustard he bought
A pump? No, I just refill a smaller squeeze bottle to fit in the fridge.. but I relish all the comments you guys made. - Bryan (59)
My family was going around in a circle all making jokes. It got to my dad, and he didn’t say anything. I lean over and say to him:
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas