I'm clearly winning in the family pun group text imgur.com/DQxgfoL
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnmazz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
This is going to be the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19

Usually it's because we can't afford it.

πŸ‘︎ 134
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
Argument at family dinner...
πŸ‘︎ 22k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
Do you know about the baker family?

They were inbred.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrTomatoHead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
Alcoholics don’t run in my family

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...

That was just one of the downfalls!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
If you ever find a house with a family of corn, don’t go snooping through their secret files.

They’re cornfidential

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
What's a family called where everyone smokes??

A joint family

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sinish_anand
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
My three most favorite things ever are eating my family

and not using commas.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives. I said, β€œAbsolutely not! No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact..."

"I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
My family and I like to sleep during the day

They are my napkin

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashnakag3019
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
My family tell me not to steal kitchen utensils

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/X_Tbull
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
Today, I apologised to my family for replacing some words with their less appropriate synonyms..

I'm sorry I oops'd up.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
It was a family recipe
πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stont753
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
I was on a family vacation in Japan when I slept in one day. My dad flung open my door and told me to wake up. I said, β€œDad, what do you think this is?...

...the Land of the Rising Son?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.

They are all laughtose intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
I would only kill a clown if my family was about to starve to death.

We either digest the clown, or we die jesting!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YouNamedMeeDog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
family dinner table jokes be like
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_J-Wood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
It’s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back

I guess it just runs in the jeans

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29
🚨︎ report
At my wedding, my wife's family got into a fight with each other, the police were called, and then they ran from the cops.

So now my in-laws are out-laws.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
My date asked, "Do you have family in another country?"

"Yes," I replied, "unless they're in the ocean."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
My family calls me the King of Sofas

because I'm Sofa King lazy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/butterymix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.

It’s a timeless piece, really.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
Thank you God for providing me and my family with these instant noodles for supper.

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiscoPotato69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
My father and I were in the car traveling to a family outing.

On the way, after passing a graveyard, my dad asked,

β€œDid you know that’s a popular cemetery?”

β€œNo, why?” I responded.

β€œPeople are just dying to get in there!” he replied.

After I groaned, he continued, in all seriousness,

β€œBut really, did you know I can’t be buried there?”

β€œWhy not, Dad?” I asked, surprised.

β€œBecause I’m not dead yet!”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Famousspy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04
🚨︎ report
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...

...from the fruits of our labor

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
When I was 4 I asked my dad what languages my family spoke and he said "Gibberish" as a joke

So I spent the next 10 years telling everybody that my family spoke Gibberish and English and always wondering why they would laugh after I said that

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/applesauce0101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
What is Captain Morgan’s fav board game to play with his family?

Rummoli

:)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/not_a_fly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
I challenged my entire family to see who could fast the longest.

You could say my competition is getting slim.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theonlyMOONMAN
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?

Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Inoocent_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
Apu and his family went on a bike ride.

It was known as the Nahasapeema-peloton.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"

I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
Just got back from a camping trip with the family

The days were incredible, but the nights were in tents

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesabermaniac
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
How will he support his 3mm family?
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My family is mad at the fact that I have a really bad sense of direction

So I packed my bags and right.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndytheMVP
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
I told my friends and family a coronavirus joke at the start of quarantine, and no one laughed.

Then everybody got it.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLSteelBullet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
Moving my family to a wetland partially covered with water has been overwhelming...

I've been swamped!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
My friends said that while in safari in Africa, his family was attacked by a herd of oxlike antelopes.

That's gnus to me!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.

I replied β€œwhat’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LTenaciouSD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
How many sisters does it take to feed an Italian family?

None, that’s the pasta’s job.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
My family can’t seem to find the tv remote. They’ll never find where I hid it.

It’s in a very remote location.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
As part of my community service, I had to hand out cans of pineapple to needy families...

I Doled it out.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25
🚨︎ report
Recently I took my family on a road trip, and we got a flat tire. When my daughter got out of the car to help, she almost got hit by a car.

Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SPONGEROBERT123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
My family and I had a crazy camping trip...

It was in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bradthemadcat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
So what if I'm not part of a culturally similar indigenous peoples inhabiting the Arctic regions of Greenland, Canada and Alaska that speaks a language that is part of the Eskimo–Aleut family.

I could try harder to be, but I guess I'm just not Inuit.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shumumazzu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
Standing firm for family values
πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Obviousbrosif
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.

It's about thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eth0null
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
The Calzoni Family [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jimvelvetpi
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!

Yep. It's our bison-tennial.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
My family always say I'm the stubborn one,

But I refuse to believe it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/papaduck_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said

Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roscoe9420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
My wife left me on a Family Field trip

I should've made my wife turn right.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chair_Reddit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
I need glasses to see my family

More specifically, two glasses .... of scotch

(Credit: Norm Macdonald Live)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sillysadandsolemn
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
A family gets a rabbit, and friend comes over.

Friend: So what are you gonna name him?

Dad: It's a hare, actually.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CanaanRS
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.

It’s a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the family that went on a safari, they saw a giraffe and a meerkat

That’s about the long and short of it

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/seatheous
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
I’m starting to enjoy my family’s company...

...I have Stuck Home syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
I got my family this new type of fancy European yogurt.

I hope it makes us more cultured.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reepicheep08
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.

One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.

Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, β€œDo you have a name for the baby yet?”

My brother replies, β€œYeah. Liana Noelle.”

Everyone starts to β€œOoohhh” and β€œAhhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.

Then after a moment I shout, β€œHow the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mzahit29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....

Artichoke(d)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotAnotherAndy
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
Dad, which state supports baking as a family activity?

Whisk on, son.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shouldExist
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...

It was good to see dad's berth place.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
family is family

Everybody knows Albert Einstein was a genius , but very few know his brother Frank was a monster.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kjvlv
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
Why did the Smurf family decide not to move into the new house?

There wasn't mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
My family laughed at my jokes about being in quarenteen...

Thanks! I'll be here all week!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jmabbz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
My buddy says he’s a member of the royal family on paper

Prints

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/piratecheese13
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.

You can say.... I’m behind The Times.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him β€œHow come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
His family is broken at the moment
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roman_Briggs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
So I wanted to marry a muskmelon against my family's will

Unfortunately I cantaloupe

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AJAX214_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
In a poor family, a son says to his dad: Dad I'm cold.

Dad: Go sit in the corner it's 90 degree

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RlPsoul
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
As a Chinese in Wuhan, I'm finally able to see my family!

Wait... that's not my family... neither is that...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
Why are the women in the Trump family called the brass section?

Because they’re Trump-ettes

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
I asked my family not to speak at the dinner table.

I wanted peas and quiet.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boop108
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
While I joined the Army and started a family, my brother Samuel became a doctor. After one of his patients died, my kids asked him what happened.

He told them, "Sorry, Uncle Sam's health care isn't the best."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/problematikUAV
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skhenson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the duck family take in the orphaned cygnet

β€˜Swan more mouth to feed

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/juicymayo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Do you know why wrestler's family is terrified?

Dad works from home now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Somebody_Nobody93
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
My whole family was mad at me
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JosefStalinPants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Family group chat asking my Dad about the giant bottle of Mustard he bought

A pump? No, I just refill a smaller squeeze bottle to fit in the fridge.. but I relish all the comments you guys made. - Bryan (59)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hali_Stallions
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
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My family was going around in a circle all making jokes. It got to my dad, and he didn’t say anything. I lean over and say to him:

”Dad, joke”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBudderBomb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bound4Oregon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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