Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
Argument at family dinner...
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Apu and his family went on a bike ride.
It was known as the Nahasapeema-peloton.
I challenged my entire family to see who could fast the longest.
You could say my competition is getting slim.
My family is mad at the fact that I have a really bad sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right.
My family can’t seem to find the tv remote. They’ll never find where I hid it.
It’s in a very remote location.
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
My family always say I'm the stubborn one,
But I refuse to believe it.
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
UPS says my book on evergreen herbs from the mint family lamiaceae is going to be delivered tomorrow by end of day.
How will he support his 3mm family?
My wife left me on a Family Field trip
I should've made my wife turn right.
A family gets a rabbit, and friend comes over.
Friend: So what are you gonna name him?
Dad: It's a hare, actually.
I need glasses to see my family
More specifically, two glasses .... of scotch
(Credit: Norm Macdonald Live)
Standing firm for family values
Did you hear about the family that went on a safari, they saw a giraffe and a meerkat
That’s about the long and short of it
I got my family this new type of fancy European yogurt.
I hope it makes us more cultured.
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
I’m starting to enjoy my family’s company...
...I have Stuck Home syndrome.
Dad, which state supports baking as a family activity?
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...
It was good to see dad's berth place.
Why did the Smurf family decide not to move into the new house?
family is family
Everybody knows Albert Einstein was a genius , but very few know his brother Frank was a monster.
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
My buddy says he’s a member of the royal family on paper
My family laughed at my jokes about being in quarenteen...
Thanks! I'll be here all week!
Every morning I announce loudly to my family that I’m going jogging, but then don’t go.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.
You can say.... I’m behind The Times.
In a poor family, a son says to his dad: Dad I'm cold.
Dad: Go sit in the corner it's 90 degree
As a Chinese in Wuhan, I'm finally able to see my family!
Wait... that's not my family... neither is that...
So I wanted to marry a muskmelon against my family's will
Unfortunately I cantaloupe
His family is broken at the moment
While I joined the Army and started a family, my brother Samuel became a doctor. After one of his patients died, my kids asked him what happened.
He told them, "Sorry, Uncle Sam's health care isn't the best."
I asked my family not to speak at the dinner table.
Why are the women in the Trump family called the brass section?
Because they’re Trump-ettes
What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?
Baby shart, do do do do
Mommy shart, do do do do
Daddy shart, do do do do...
Do you know why wrestler's family is terrified?
Family group chat asking my Dad about the giant bottle of Mustard he bought
A pump? No, I just refill a smaller squeeze bottle to fit in the fridge.. but I relish all the comments you guys made. - Bryan (59)
My family was going around in a circle all making jokes. It got to my dad, and he didn’t say anything. I lean over and say to him:
My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
I told my family I was going to invest in toilet paper.
They told me I was full of shit.
Why didn’t the duck family take in the orphaned cygnet
I was talking to a Mexican family about how I was going to compete in the Olympics, and asked who they were rooting for
They replied, “You, ese!”
Got together with some family for a devour some BBQ today
My Japanese friend is not the only cute girl in her family...
My whole family was mad at me
How do pig families save money on clothes?
If the family that popularized gull-winged doors had a baby girl, and they wanted to name her in honor of Star Wars...
She could be Amanda Mandalorian DeLorean
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
What if the joke is almost family-friendly?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
Why's my dad the funniest one in the family?
Because no one except dadjokes.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas
A family drove to Disney Land, but they turned back and drove away
Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"
The family wasn't thrilled with my cheese choices.
My family was eating birthday cake, and one of the he toppings looked like striped bark, so my mom asked my dad, " Do you want a bark?"
And my dad replied, "Ruff!"
I liked it but everyone else groaned
What separates a canine family tree from other species?
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family...
...he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
My wife's sister and her family came to visit but I was hiding in the den. She came in and told me not to be antisocial.
I reminded her that I'm a guy.
That would make me uncle social.
My family looked at me weird when I said I am a crossdresser.
"What?" I said and went back upstairs to finish decorating the crucifix.
My dad went from person to person at the family reunion passing out SIPPs, DIPPs, SIMMs, and DIMMs.
Whe asked about why, he said it seemed like the right occasion for sharing old memories.
My family's favourite pun since the 2016 election.
My family all wore vests for the annual family photo day.
It was the vest day ever. Until i had to take mine off. I just wasn't as invested as they were.
My wife complained that my life revolving around social media has destroyed the way we communicate as a family...
My family and I got wonton soup but we needed one more,
so now we have twoton soup.
How did the inmate call his family?
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
I went to dinner with a cannibal family I know. The conversation was flowing. Their daughter suddenly piped up “Mummy I don’t like Nanny”. The mother replied...
“Well leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.
Protect your family and loved ones from the Coronavirus.
I looked up MY family tree
and got hit with a coconut.
It's tradition in my family to always put up the Chris-mas decorations the day after Thanksgiving
When we were in Orlando, my family wanted to go to SeaWorld.
But I failed to see the porpoise.
A yearly tradition, my family gets together and everyone rides in a wagon thru the city, saying "hello" to all people on the street...
My father-in-law (who's last name is Word) after a week of travel: Are you getting sick of the Word "family"?
Me: That's an odd word to get sick of.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ...
But I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey "
Why does a chef not cook stir fry for his family ?
He doesn't like bringing his wok home.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I was just reminiscing with my family about our last visit to the Clock Museum.
I thought IBS was in my family
But for me it just runs in my genes
We just had our family portrait painted. I'm a little bummed.
Einstein and Freud once were having a conversation. Freud was talking about inner family romantic relationships.
...And Einstein said it was all relatives.
(Not from me, from Josh Fonokalafi)
I met a man who owned cheese that had been in his family for eight generations.