Family Christmas Puns

With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".

(This is a true story.)

Usually this is my Dad. My Mom will be opening presents all day, and Dad is done after he unwraps his three gifts.

We really give him a hard time and he loves it. He's a champ.

Well one year, we're opening gifts, and my brother's got almost nothing in his little pile. He had recently bought a house and his main gift was a garden hose.

This is exciting because we're gonna just tear into him. He is a good sport and he is ready to bask in the glory of his Christmas failure.

We finish the unwrapping and my Dad looks over to him and says "Well son, you really got hosed this year".

P.S. I am x-posting my own comment from an AskReddit thread at someone's suggestion, and definitely NOT in a shameless quest for karma.

Foget’boutit!

My mother was talking about a friend of hers who is really skinny because she works out all the time.

Mom: All she does is bike and exercise, she doesn't even have a stomach.

Me (with a purposely bewildered look): Then how does she eat anything?

Many eye rolls and groans were had and my wife just glared at me.

After all, they're in mint condition...

... and it's cold and I want to go inside, so I start suggesting indoor pictures.

Me: "Let's take a picture by the fireplace. Or the piano."
Dad: "How would we get the piano out here? Think, son!"
Me: ...
Dad: [laughs uproariously at self]

http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq

Everytime B-9 comes up, he says:

"B-9... not malignant."

-____-

[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes

Everyone else: good lord that was majestic

Every year my father think's it's hilarious to say "It's amazing, you were born a day before Jesus and are still with us."

He's been sober for 9 years, and he's been sick lately. He was joking about the amount and frequency of Nyquil he's been taking.

Me: Gotta go to rehab for your Nyquil addiction now!

Him: Well, I gotta go to hab first.

> Here is the list of who buys for whom in the gift exchange. > > The rules are: Spend $50, no gift cards. (If you think $50 is too much then make it two $25 gifts.) > > PS: If you want to spend more on me I would understand.

Aunt: There's to be gale force winds tonight.

Dad: It's all those Brussel sprouts

My sister had a good one today at dinner.

We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".