A selfie
It was the vest day ever. Until i had to take mine off. I just wasn't as invested as they were.
Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) "She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancรฉ, they've been together for a long time now."
Me: "Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture."
Not even a groan, just silence and an eye roll
... and it's cold and I want to go inside, so I start suggesting indoor pictures.
Me: "Let's take a picture by the fireplace. Or the piano."
Dad: "How would we get the piano out here? Think, son!"
Me: ...
Dad: [laughs uproariously at self]
I don't blame him though, considering I wasn't born until he was about 30 years old..
So my family and I were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us. She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said "we'll take this one" and pointed at a photo on the wall...
So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.
12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.
Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]
6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.
Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?
12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?
Me: Because I've got loco motives!
At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.
Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have?
Me: Two.
B: Both daughters, or is one a son?
M: Both daughters.
B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then?
M: What?
B: Third Rock from the son.
He's sleeping outside tonight.
I was a young teenager, hanging out with my cousins at a family wedding. We were dressed in our finest: button-down shirts and ties (a rare thing for some of us). It was the middle of the photo shoot, so we had to wait around for our turn.
My uncle sees us, bored out of our minds, and asks if we wanted to have a "tie race." Seeing our puzzled expressions, he demonstrated by rolling up his tie from the bottom to the top like a cinnamon roll.
We got the idea immediately, rolling up our ties as well. Everyone had their own strategy: some rolled theirs tighter, others looser. Some rolled up the tail, others didn't. Some had clip-ons.
On the count of three, we released our ties to see whose unrolled the fastest. We all looked around, trying to decide who actually won the race, when my uncle declared:
It's a tie!
I showed my dad a photo of a family's friend's newborn baby as it was getting its feet inked to take its prints.
Dad: "Pretty dirty feet for a newborn."
Me: "..."
Dad: "Don't worry. You'll get it soon; and then, you'll laugh."
My brother texted our family group chat with a photo of a KFC in the background and a chicken in the foreground. There was some writing about "walking through the valley of shadow and death etc"
My dad replies "that's a-boc-alyptic"
I maintain a small pun page on Facebook because a bunch of my family and friends would "complain" every time I'd post an image pun to my personal page.
My 17 year old step-son just sent me this one for the page. I'm so proud of him.
A family photo
A family photo.
A family photo
A family photo.
(credit: @willieilish_)
