A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Real house cleaners aren’t just born their maid
What do you call houses who have good behavior?
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac
but he just keeps saying "me ow"
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance...
Unfortunately, she blew it...
Somebody broke into my house and stole my Oxford English Dictionary.
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
What's the best place to hide if a murderer breaks into your house?
I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.
I mean seriously, how low can you go?
Approaching the house without a mask these days is just bush league.
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
How does an eskimo build his house ?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
I wanted to go over to my German girlfriend's house at 8:51...
But she said "nein" to nine to nine.
I thought I saw a crocodile in the laneway behind my house.
But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.
Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks.
He said the times they were a-changin’.
My house got broken into last night and they stole over 100 cans of red bull..
I don’t know how they sleep at night
Why was the Congressional house party cancelled?
Some boy scouts came to our house today and asked for donations for a local community pool being built.
I went and got them a glass of water.
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
Can a Kangaroo Jump Higher Than A House?
No because the house can't fricking jump.
Robber broke into my house to find money
The stakes were really raised when I welcomed a vampire into my house.
that's it. that's the whole joke
I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex...
It stopped me from streaking.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
My grandpa just came over to my house with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. Miffed, I questioned, “Who's this guy?” Gramps chuckled and replied, "Who, him?"
"This is my hip replacement!"
Do you know who shouldn’t have house warming parties?
If they have a house warming party their house will melt.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
I had just left my old house, with a greenhouse in the back.
It was hard for me, leaving the greenhouse.
But it grew easier with thyme.
A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.
The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:
"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.
What room of the house are ghosts banned from?
What do you call a pasta that can’t get into their house?
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night...
Luckily I was in my living room.
When we moved into my new house, our next door neighbour presented us with a bunch of logs for our fireplace.
It was ...a house warming gift.
A Thomson’s Gazelle can jump higher than the average house
It can do this due to its powerful hind legs, and the fact that an average house cannot jump
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean... how low can you get!
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...
Nothing jumped out at me.
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
Actual conversation at my house while preparing burgers
Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”
Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. houses can’t jump
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
What does the dog on top of the house say?
My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
My house was broken into last night!
The Idiots took my dictionary and my scrabble board. I tell you friends.... I'm lost for words!
Walked by a house with a broken window and a sign in the window saying "don't rock the boat".
Looks like somebody rocked your house
I hired a group of protestant religious sect members to haul my furniture to my new house...
They were movers and Shakers.
Father and daughter are staying at two stories house AirBNB and the daughter asks her father
- What's upstairs?
- Unfortunately, the stairs don't talk.
Painting some fun while I'm stuck in the house!
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...
True house cleaners aren't just born...
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess
You could say they are very transparent.
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
Yesterday I jumped higher than a house
I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house
They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Today a man came to my house and asked for a small donation towards a local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
HELP! A random car was left outside of my house with my name on it!
I've caught the car owner virus !
Cow in front of my house was showing me real attitude
The last of my preprepred boards. Might have to put it up outside my house now!
Why did Winnie the Pooh’s house fail electrical inspection?
My house got swallowed up by the earth today
Not a good sinkhole de mayo
Bon Jovi has lost his mind and relocated from his house to a fruit.
My house is in the third-most populous city in Alabama
What do you call it when a farmer is stuck in his house and can’t get out to the fields?
My wife just kicked me out of the house
Her exact words were, "I'm Aaron out the house today"
A realtor showing a house to a couple says: “This is the sun room.”
The man goes, “Ok great, now where do I put my daughters?”
And just before blowing up that old man's house, he said...
My friend boasted that he domesticates cats from Africa for a living. I stopped by his work, and he was working with house cats...
Me: See? To prove I'm not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Why did the Smurf family decide not to move into the new house?
How did spiderman know it wasn't his Aunt May in front of his house?
There was an Ock at the door!
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I don’t think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
I don’t know why, but there’s just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too
This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.
I’m so angry right now, someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick...
A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house.
One day a storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his home... now he's in a pickle.
I was showing my friend my new house and said, “This is the ground floor..”
Him: “What’s upstairs?”
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...
And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
True house cleaners aren't just born