If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
None of the other subs seem to appreciate my festive Gingerbread house. Maybe you folks would appreciate it?
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Gingerbread house for Christmas
πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelvinnnnnnn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried renting a bounce house yesterday. The cost was twice as much as last year...

That’s inflation for you!

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
Merry Christmas here's a ginger bread house.
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That_Guy2847
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The Trump White House is so polite these days.

Everyone there is saying β€œPardon me” all the time now.

πŸ‘︎ 306
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πŸ‘€︎ u/world-shaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.

Tonight, we eat like kongs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin make his house?

Igloos it.

(He glues it)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchopz-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Strippers don't have air conditioners in their houses.

They have OnlyFans.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k,256k, 512k and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I come from a musical house

I live in a flat

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bibimoebaba
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
What did the Democratic House Representative say when asked how they were feeling today?

I'm peachy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaunj656
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
Can a grasshopper jump higher than a house?

Of course, houses don't jump at all

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bastelnd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
The bank want to repossess my tree house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments....

I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!!

I may be a little drunk but this is my favourite joke ever and I feel it belongs here because I’ve not seen it here yet!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaylsTheOptimist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
If Trump is afraid and hiding in the White House because of the protestors....

Does this make it a chicken coup?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigFrank97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
my wife and I found out that our boy was convicted of burning down houses

no matter what he's still arson

πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ax3-_-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me the house was cold, I told him to go stand in the corner...

'Cause the corner is 90 degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THOT_Patroller-13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy

How low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Which pasta gets locked out of the house? β€”Technically a wife joke.

Gnocchi.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoffa22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a species of frog that can jump higher than a 3 story house

This is due to the frog's incredibly strong hind legs, and the fact that a house can't jump.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cornedbeefhash1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What did Mariah Carey say when her boyfriend bought her an undeveloped property so they could build their dream house?

I don’t want a lot for Christmas.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I brought over the wrong pastries to my relatives' house for Christmas brunch

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of cross-aunts

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saltycook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged everyday.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids started dancing while cleaning up the house.

It was some pretty good chore-eography.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EzekiahHopkins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the best house warming present?

A radiator.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a drug addicts favourite part of decorating the ginger bread house?

Doing the white lines

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-person-online
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Church near my house
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpicyMayo1429
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.

Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Dan Rather asks, "Why is the White House suddenly a very polite place to work?" twitter.com/DanRather/sta…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I really like that actress in β€œHouse of Cards,” β€œManhattan” and β€œThe Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.”

I’m a Rachel Brosnafan.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backalleywillie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"

And I said "not without a large mortgage"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dad_2_the_bone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...

I think I’ll call it β€œMr. Holland’s Opus”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:

Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
How should you remove hazardous materials from your house?

Asbestos you can

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thicc_astronaut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Locked myself out of the house today...

Thankfully, l was able to open the door, by talking to it...

Communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What room does a ghost not have in their house?

A living room.

Happy Halloween!

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, β€œTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”

It might be farmer Geddon.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Neutraliscool
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Strippers don't have air-conditioners in their houses.

They have onlyfans.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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