A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 338
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, β€œAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flamingkitten101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
Real house cleaners aren’t just born their maid
πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
What do you call houses who have good behavior?

Manors.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac

but he just keeps saying "me ow"

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-sunnydaze-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.

Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bovinejabronie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...

And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wB68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
IT's on the house
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schliatzke
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Mushroom house πŸ„
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jadeybabey
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it...

πŸ‘︎ 684
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Somebody broke into my house and stole my Oxford English Dictionary.

I’m lost for words.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills

I hope they're happy

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
What's the best place to hide if a murderer breaks into your house?

The living room.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.

I mean seriously, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
Approaching the house without a mask these days is just bush league.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joelkeys0519
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,

Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
How does an eskimo build his house ?

Igloos it together

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
I wanted to go over to my German girlfriend's house at 8:51...

But she said "nein" to nine to nine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw a crocodile in the laneway behind my house.

But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 272
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ecjg2010
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks.

He said the times they were a-changin’.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjlind718
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
My house got broken into last night and they stole over 100 cans of red bull..

I don’t know how they sleep at night

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tackit286
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
Why was the Congressional house party cancelled?

They forgot the Speaker.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Some boy scouts came to our house today and asked for donations for a local community pool being built.

I went and got them a glass of water.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B1gB0iM3ME
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.

Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Why is deadpools house always cold?

Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall

πŸ‘︎ 191
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gollyfuckinggosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
Can a Kangaroo Jump Higher Than A House?

No because the house can't fricking jump.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fiery_Leopard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
Robber broke into my house to find money

I searched with him

πŸ‘︎ 245
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Marouk4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
The stakes were really raised when I welcomed a vampire into my house.

that's it. that's the whole joke

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beastlance
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex...

It stopped me from streaking.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manda00710
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
How does a penguin build it’s house?

Igloos it together.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
My grandpa just came over to my house with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. Miffed, I questioned, β€œWho's this guy?” Gramps chuckled and replied, "Who, him?"

"This is my hip replacement!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Do you know who shouldn’t have house warming parties?

Eskimos.

If they have a house warming party their house will melt.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?

A Round House.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dummdukk
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
I had just left my old house, with a greenhouse in the back.

It was hard for me, leaving the greenhouse. But it grew easier with thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HamburgerGamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
A couple were interested in buying a haunted house.

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:

"What's upstairs?"

"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Goaheadidareyou
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
What room of the house are ghosts banned from?

The living room.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/criswhitmore
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pasta that can’t get into their house?

Gnocchi

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MLZ_ent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night...

Luckily I was in my living room.

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrenzyKevlar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
When we moved into my new house, our next door neighbour presented us with a bunch of logs for our fireplace.

It was ...a house warming gift.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
A Thomson’s Gazelle can jump higher than the average house

It can do this due to its powerful hind legs, and the fact that an average house cannot jump

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xander725
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!

I mean... how low can you get!

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sardonicuis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...

Nothing jumped out at me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatVapeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
Actual conversation at my house while preparing burgers

Me: β€œBoys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”

Husband: β€œHurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red_polkadot
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course. houses can’t jump

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hatehatedate
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
What does the dog on top of the house say?

Roof, roof.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Marv1236
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.

But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
My house was broken into last night!

The Idiots took my dictionary and my scrabble board. I tell you friends.... I'm lost for words!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicGuy66
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
Walked by a house with a broken window and a sign in the window saying "don't rock the boat".

Looks like somebody rocked your house

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squeablies1
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
I hired a group of protestant religious sect members to haul my furniture to my new house...

They were movers and Shakers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
Father and daughter are staying at two stories house AirBNB and the daughter asks her father

- What's upstairs?
- Unfortunately, the stairs don't talk.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RG_PankO
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
Painting some fun while I'm stuck in the house!
πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nicky3123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...

It's endeering.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
True house cleaners aren't just born...

...they're maid...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money

We didn't find anything

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess

You could say they are very transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
The Ants House
πŸ‘︎ 124
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?

Igloo it back together again.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I jumped higher than a house

Houses can’t jump.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house

They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
Someone toilet papered my house last night

Now it’s worth $875,000

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iM00S3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
🚨︎ report
Today a man came to my house and asked for a small donation towards a local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
HELP! A random car was left outside of my house with my name on it!

I've caught the car owner virus !

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Barderz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
Cow in front of my house was showing me real attitude

She was being Moo-dy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Navi66
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
The last of my preprepred boards. Might have to put it up outside my house now!
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
Why did Winnie the Pooh’s house fail electrical inspection?

Too many bear wires.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
My house got swallowed up by the earth today

Not a good sinkhole de mayo

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
Bon Jovi has lost his mind and relocated from his house to a fruit.

He's living on a pear...

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
My house is in the third-most populous city in Alabama

It's a Mobile home

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GameboyAdvance32
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a farmer is stuck in his house and can’t get out to the fields?

Corn-tine

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Man11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
My wife just kicked me out of the house

Her exact words were, "I'm Aaron out the house today"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XBIGXMACKX
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
A realtor showing a house to a couple says: β€œThis is the sun room.”

The man goes, β€œOk great, now where do I put my daughters?”

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jason_Boyd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
And just before blowing up that old man's house, he said...

kaboomer

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr__Weasels
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
My friend boasted that he domesticates cats from Africa for a living. I stopped by his work, and he was working with house cats...

He's a lyin' tamer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
Me: See? To prove I'm not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

πŸ‘︎ 678
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HIGHxCLASSxHOBO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
Why did the Smurf family decide not to move into the new house?

There wasn't mushroom.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20
🚨︎ report
How did spiderman know it wasn't his Aunt May in front of his house?

There was an Ock at the door!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I don’t think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squachee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why, but there’s just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too

This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cgvt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
I’m so angry right now, someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick...

How low can you go πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Baby-Soft-Elbows
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house.

One day a storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his home... now he's in a pickle.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MANTRA2018
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
I was showing my friend my new house and said, β€œThis is the ground floor..”

Him: β€œWhat’s upstairs?”

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...

And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DGNOLA12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jian-_-Hong
πŸ“…︎ May 15
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/complex42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
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True house cleaners aren't just born

They're maid

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report

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