My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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When I worked at the Haunted Mansion, a guest once asked me if we had any beer available.

I said, "No. We only have spirits here."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCPStudios
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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I met this rude rich guy who wouldn’t stop talking about his mansions.

He’s got some bad manors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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I live in a Tudor mansion

There's a front one and a back one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Purple_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion

All the ghosts booed at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zance21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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What is the kardashian's mansion called?

Silicon valley

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madlad612
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Luigi's Mansion, or as I like to call it...

Luigi Ouija Squeegee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JFW0RD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Why did Luigi look so tipsy in his haunted mansion?

Because of all the Boos!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pacos-ego
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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The metal gate at the old mansion was badly decayed...

As though it were made of "rot" iron.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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Stevie Wonder is so rich that he bought his latest mansion

Sight unseen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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A group of monks started a business outside the playboy mansion.

They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down. They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else.. But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoathunderroad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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Turns ot the busts on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland don't actually look at you. They're just carved into the wall.

So that's a releif.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FremanKynes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
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The owner of hostess just brought the playboy mansion

Guess he really liked ho-hos and ding dongs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themannamedme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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Which one of your servants is always sticking to the roof of your mansion?

Peanut butler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superpond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2012
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Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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I can't believe my ex wanted the expanse of open rolling infertile land in addition to my trailer home...

She wanted my mansion and moor!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Why is Luigi an alcoholic?

Because his mansion is full of boos

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redkingror
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Not mine, but from Colin Mochrie in Whose Line Is It Anyway

β€œFamous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/macrian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Bit long: There is a world where...

There is a world where everyone is a cheerio and there are 4 main ranks. There is the plain cheerio then the chocolate cheerio then then the rainbow cheerio and then finally King cheerio himself. In this world there is a man called Steve, Steve was a plain cheerio working at a Mc. donalds. He found working there very boring, so he saved up enough money to get a surgery to become a chocolate cheerio. And so he got the surgery and now he was able to be manager at the Mc. Donalds he was working at. However he still didn't feel as if this was enough so he saved up enough money to get another surgery to become a rainbow cheerio. Now that he was a rainbow cheerio he owned Mc. Donalds itself. As a celebration king cheerio hosted a party at his mansion for Steve's new job. During the party Steve got a chance to speak with the King and he asked him how it was to be a the king, but the king replied that it was extremely exhausting to be the king. So Steve decided that he didn't want to be king. After his conversation he felt thirst so headed over to the drinks building. On the first floor he new he could get bear which he wanted, but as he arrived he noticed that the line was too big. So Steve went up to the next floor where there was wine, but again the line was too big. On the third floor there was Coke, but just like the other floors the line was too big. He also new that on the 5th floor there was milk which was his favourite. So he thought that might as well skip the 4th floor to get milk. But he changed his mind has he walked by the 4th floor as he saw the sign that they where serving punch and as he realised there wasn't any punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/51MOE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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On the phone with my SO, literally made my fingers curl.

Me: So are you watching House again?

Him: Nope, I'm watching Mansion.

Me: I've literally never heard of that show. What's it about?

Him: It's kind of like House, just a lot bigger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashlaboo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2015
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Got my little brother while he was watching Wolf of Wall Street today.

He says "oh man, living that life would be intense"

I quickly respond with "No, that life would be in mansions not in tents"

A mighty sigh inevitably followed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sickladbro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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The Mystery of the missing bathroom fittings
  • sitting round at dinner table, talking about our bathroom which we are having redone*
  • Dad: I've got a good joke about bathroom fittings
  • Me: sigh okay then...
  • Dad: Did you hear about that mansion that was robbed last week? The burglars took all the jewlery, all the valuables.......and they also took all the bathroom fittings, so the police had nothing to go on!
  • Sister: Really? sigh
  • Dad: *bursts out laughing for a good 20 seconds
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobTheN00b
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
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My favorite quote from Colin Mochrie

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the Friars to close down their stall which was outside the mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one Friar, "Well if it was anyone else we might have gotten away from it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist Friars".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BabiesOnQuack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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