Me: "How much is the rent for this beautiful apartment?"
"Sir!! This is a liquor store "
A small rodent lives in a apartment next to my computer keyboard.
What's harder to remove from an apartment than six spiders?
I tried to tell a joke about apartments but it fell flat
I found some insects living in my apartment, but they offered me cash if I let them stay.
Have any of you been to Infront Veggie Apartment?
It’s the opposite of Outback Steak House.
My 12 year old daughter Ruby made it up so... not exactly a dad joke.
Turns out there’s a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Found this outside my apartment, must be a HALL-epeño!
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
What did the man say when he's was looking for Shakespeare's apartment?
2B or not 2B? That is the question.
We moved to a second floor apartment with ceiling fans.
I can now say I have fans in high places.
I found mushrooms growing from the bathroom ceiling in my NYC apartment (typical) and called my dad to see what I should do about it.
He immediately said, “Well, I wouldn’t eat them.”
Every morning when my wife closes the bedroom door in our 1-bedroom apartment I tell her...
Have a great day at work hunny.
One day I invited a friend of mine over to my apartment.
When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.
I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."
My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"
I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."
He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"
A lot of people in Paris have very small apartments...
How small? Some are so small they don't even have toilets.
In French, they're known as "Peed a Terre"...
The police found a dead alpaca in its apartment.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
Someone in my apartment building rearranged all the buttons on the elevator.
That was wrong on so many levels.
My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...
Today I found this one.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)
When my uncle died, he left me an apartment building he owned, but I was really nervous about taking it.
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
A Nigerian man was found dead last night and authorities found $ 50 000 000 in his apartment...
...apparently he had been trying to give it away for almost 20 years, but nobody would return his emails.
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
A buddy of mine only rents his apartments out to nuns.
Guess you could say he has a Sister complex...
After a lengthy search, I finally found an apartment in my price range where I can have my corgi and my pitbull.
Thank god theres still a-corgi-bull housing out there
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.
I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs.
But that’s another story.
I was moving and had no room in my apartment for my organ so i gave it to my neighbors...
Does this make me an organ donor?
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
I had a friend who had a difficult problem with the apartment area that he lived in
He had a complex complex complex
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.
What kind of person has an apartment complex full of dogs?
After the earthquake, what did the gangster say when the apartment complex fell on him?
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
“Hey, did you just move to the 7th floor apartment from your 6th floor one?”
“Yes, but that’s another story.”
My friend Izzy wanted to furnish her new apartment, so I took her to furniture store owned by 3 carpenters, all named Paul.
Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST".
"Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked.
"Nope, that's not him.", I replied.
"So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded.
"Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"
What do you call an apartment building where only Mexican men live?
The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.
I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman.
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are FURIOUS!
How many insects do you need to rent out an apartment?
There are too many mosquitoes in our apartment, so I called the cops.
They said they are sending a swat team.
How many ants does it take to fill an entire apartment?