How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
Found this outside my apartment, must be a HALL-epeño!
I found mushrooms growing from the bathroom ceiling in my NYC apartment (typical) and called my dad to see what I should do about it.
He immediately said, “Well, I wouldn’t eat them.”
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
The police found a dead alpaca in its apartment.
I moved a giant mushroom into my apartment
My room mate said: “It takes up to much-room!”
When my uncle died, he left me an apartment building he owned, but I was really nervous about taking it.
I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
A buddy of mine only rents his apartments out to nuns.
Guess you could say he has a Sister complex...
A Nigerian man was found dead last night and authorities found $ 50 000 000 in his apartment...
...apparently he had been trying to give it away for almost 20 years, but nobody would return his emails.
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
Someone in my apartment building rearranged all the buttons on the elevator.
That was wrong on so many levels.
Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex
Because they were not tenants.
After a lengthy search, I finally found an apartment in my price range where I can have my corgi and my pitbull.
Thank god theres still a-corgi-bull housing out there
How many ants does it take to fill an entire apartment?
I was moving and had no room in my apartment for my organ so i gave it to my neighbors...
Does this make me an organ donor?
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
What kind of person has an apartment complex full of dogs?
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.
My wife said she found a nice apartment for us, but there was no place to sit down and eat.
After the earthquake, what did the gangster say when the apartment complex fell on him?
I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs.
But that’s another story.
My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
I had a friend who had a difficult problem with the apartment area that he lived in
He had a complex complex complex
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...
Today I found this one.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)
Was checking out the apartment of a fungi, he lived on the second spore, i asked him how it was an he replied "great but theres not mush room"
What do you call an apartment building where only Mexican men live?
There are too many mosquitoes in our apartment, so I called the cops.
They said they are sending a swat team.
“Hey, did you just move to the 7th floor apartment from your 6th floor one?”
“Yes, but that’s another story.”
I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are FURIOUS!
How many insects do you need to rent out an apartment?
My friend Izzy wanted to furnish her new apartment, so I took her to furniture store owned by 3 carpenters, all named Paul.
Two of them were still apprentices and learning the trade, but the third was a master at the craft and was also my friend. They were currently busy in the workshop working on a set of great wooden letters which spelled "BEAST".
"Is your friend Paul the one working on the misshapen B?" Izzy asked.
"Nope, that's not him.", I replied.
"So is it the one working on the crooked E?"she responded.
"Most certainly not!" I answered. I finally saw him and exclaimed, "On ST is the best Paul, Izzy!"
If you see a chick changing out the locks or cleaning out the pool at an apartment complex, NEVER give her a joint.
Nobody like high maintenance women.
Why are they called apartments....?
When they are all joined together ?
My apartment complex issues frog-shaped parking stickers to its residents
Because all others will be toad
The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.
I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman.
A slumlord prohibits his tenants from painting the doors of their apartments any color other than slate.
He believes there’s nothing like the greyed-out doors.
My landlord keeps yelling at me for not turning down the music in my apartment
I guess he’s got a sound argument.
My GF was trying to get rid of a stink bug in her apartment and said “but what if I accidentally squish it while trying to get rid of it?”
I replied, “Well that would stink.”
I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door.
I knocked on her door and said, "Please keep it down!"
She criticized my apartment...
... so I knocked her flat.
A cartoonist was found dead in the apartment...
The details are sketchy.
Courtsey - Plague Inc.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I was just looking at a new apartment but it didn't have any mirrors in it...
I don't think I can see myself there.
Moving from a 3rd floor apartment to a 1 story house.
You could say it’s a step down.
I live in an apartment where the floor above mine is occupied by Dwayne Johnson
I've been living under a rock
I wanted a job I could do while stoned, so I got one as a handyman at an apartment complex.
Now I'm high maintenance.
My friend always prefers renting out his apartment to Chinese chefs.
They are usually lo mein tenants.
The maintenance staff at my apartment complex left me popcorn to say that they completed my service request while I was out. imgur.com/GAiToyX
There are these apartments in the country club full of mischievous children...
It was called The Rascal Flatts.
Why do they call them apartments
If they're so close together?
How does a fetus heat his apartment?
What does a musician looking for a new apartment do when he finds a good listing?
Got my girlfriend with this over the weekend....As a car with giant subwoofers drove by blaring music and shaking the apartment building, I asked "you know how you buy one of those cars at the dealership?"
You just ask for the bass-line model.
What did the fungi say about his New York apartment?
There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that is filled with guys who think they're Jesus.
We have a big problem in our apartment
My girlfriend found 6 flies in our bathroom the other day and wanted me to go kill them. When i finished I said "I've killed so many of these things I'm probably on the F.B.Fly's Most Wanted list." Barely even a chuckle, she just shook her head at me.
My girlfriend was looking at apartments on her phone...
she finds one that she likes and says "look this one comes with a free gym" to which I respond "Do you have to provide him with a bed and food?"
Silence. Glares and silence.
I asked my dad if I could have a roll of toilet paper for my apartment.
He said, "[Son]... You need to get your shit together."
He gave me the roll.
Just moved out and was buying things for the apartment...
and got a text from my dad:
Dad: "Do you guys need a cheese grater?"
Me: "No. We already have one."
My friends apartment caught fire because someone elses ded too. Later, he got married. At the wedding he said they'd need to have me over once he got his new apartment ready for a housewarming party.
I said, to him and his new wife, "But I thought you already had a housewarming. His wife almost snotted herself over it. We're good friends to this day.
It's not just obvious that fruit have apartments instead of houses
If law enforcement officers were called to the apartment of a female bassist in response to a noise complaint, there would be sheriffs because she riffs.
Apartment complex was filling up the pool.
Me, "how much water are they gonna put in there!? You can't even read the footage!"
Friend's sister, "you don't read footage, you watch it."
GF moved into a new apartment.
Turns out that there's trains that are pretty prominent at night. Was sitting at work when I get the text informing me:
Her: "So, turns out that there's trains at night around here.."
Me: "Well, guess you'll just have to try sleeping, you got work in the morning."
10 min later
Her: "Another one.. Wooo!"
Me: "Choo* trains go choo."
Her: "... I'm going to bed."
I thought it was clever.
I usually text my girlfriend when I'm walking up the stairs to her apartment, and today I sent her this. I then realized the path I'm taking leads me to here.
"Does your new apartment have AC?"
Me - "Yes"
Dad - "That's chill..."
Dad joked my girlfriend. I know we're looking for an apartment together, but this is too soon...
Her: Babe, I'm starving, I haven't even ate yet.
Me: Well, maybe you should have an odd seven first.
A: "Thanks for renting me this apartment!"
B: "It was the lease I could do."
He dragged me out of the apartment for that pun.
Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.
They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.
While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.
I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."
The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"
Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".
He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.
Wife just had just got back into our apartment, when she when she asked me this.
Her: So ants are supposed to be really strong right?
Me: Yeah, like 50 times their weight.
Her: And when they are carrying stuff, they can just walk up walls right?
Me: I suppose.
Her: Why is it then when 10 ants move in they have to tie up an entire elevator?
She was very proud of herself.
A dozen ants decide to share an apartment and two move out.
It's ok the rest are still tenants
My wife is working hard at painting an apartment...
...and here I am cracking dadjokes at her.
Some lights in our apartment weren't working.
Me: The hall light isn't working but the outlet seems to be fine
Roommate: Check the box and reset it
Me: I would, but I'm afraid I'll break it.
While my dad was helping me move into my new apartment...
My dad and I were saying our goodbyes looking into the bed of my pickup. I parked under some nut tree so there was some in the bed.
There was an awkward silence and then my dad goes "Wow, this truck is nuts..."
She criticized my apartment
...so I knocked her flat.
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
How many ants fill an apartment?