They kept coming over singing those damn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!
He’s a Night Mayor
Because they cantaloupe.
But it seemed like a Phishing attempt to me
There was so much history between us.
I didn’t know i was that out of touch
Everyone's out there trying to Deck the Halls.
Me being half baked asked how else would he get to his room?
Awkward silence for about 5 seconds then the dealer starts laughing and then everyone else. I got complimented on my dad joke.
I’m not dad, I’m just baked.
They always vote neigh.
I was too self conscious to say hello.
I mean there was all this history between us!
9 Inch Nails
Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.
First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.
Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."
Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"
Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"
Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."
Mike actually came t... keep reading on reddit ➡
“Sighs doesn’t matter, guys!”
She was B 10 and robbed.
Me: "Do you know if they are rejecting any trees at the firehall this year?"
Wife: "No...? I haven't heard anything"
Me: "I guess they still have an o-PINE door policy!"
Wife: "I hate you so much right now"
Eh, they had their shot.
“There is? Well what are you waiting for? Use it to try to kill that black thing flying around.”
They were haulin' oats
The Script and will.i.am could be your flatmates
..."Don, we now are gay apparel."
She had con-troll issues.
At least that's what somebody once told me.
Everybody wearing Polo, Nike, Ralph Lauren, ect. was killed. After the cops came the they found one survivor and asked him " How'd you survive son?"
"I was wearing under-armor" he replied.
It'd be called "The Pros and Cons List."
We are in medical pharmacology right now and are starting a series of lectures on chemotherapies. My professor begins the lecture by saying "Who's ready to learn about cancer drugs?!"
This guy gets on the mic, and says, "I'm more of a Libra drug kind of guy."
Me: I want to try on the Team Russia jersey...
Dad: Go ahead!
Me: Help me bring them down so I can try the different sizes.
Dad: Why can't you do it yourself?
Me: Just help me so I can check!!
Dad: You said you wanted Russian not Czech.
"Well, at least the directions will be easy."
"Practice, practice, practice. Then left."
So my dad, sister and I all went to go and visit my grandmother (she got moved to hospice this week) at the hospital, and on the entry way it showed a Hall of Deans for the Sanford Medical School/Hospital. Like four busts all in a row. My Dad, whose name is Doug goes, "God, all four of them were named Dean? Where's the Hall of Dougs? Sign me up!"
He had tears coming out of his eyes. I love my family.
I'd call it "Pho Cue"