The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.

She's my trans sister

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."

Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleacher_seat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back

I guess it just runs in the jeans

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.

I'm going vegan today.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"

I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said

Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roscoe9420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him β€œHow come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My family all wore vests for the annual family photo day.

It was the vest day ever. Until i had to take mine off. I just wasn't as invested as they were.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HyperGameGuy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

β€œNo, sir," he replied. "They're dead.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoomerB3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.

As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/julp04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors.

The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capablwda0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
🚨︎ report
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...

We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikeben08
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
The carat, a unit of mass for gemstones, and a measurement of purity for gold, takes its name from the Greek word for a carob seed from the Legume family.

No wonder they are called the Pirates of the Carob Bean.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My family finally went out for a picnic in the park

It field me with joy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orangutan_Monkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.

Sorry for the Saab story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tx_Deception_Tx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
I asked the manager for a family discount and he said "Sir, I don't even know you."

I said "I know that, but I have a family."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntidoteYYMBR
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
As we sat down at the table for dinner, I looked sheepishly at my family and admitted, "I learned a valuable lesson about speeding today and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again."

"I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
A mole family is leaving its burrow for the day...

Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. β€œMmm, someone nearby is baking.” he says. β€œI smell butter.”

Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,” she says. β€œI smell sugar!”

Brother Mole is next. β€œMmm, maybe some chocolate!” he exclaims as he does a little dance.

Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says β€œAll I smell is molasses.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RSS24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Family asked me to find the christmas tree to put up, looked around for it, couldn’t find that thing anywhere, its a MYSTREE
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savage-nun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.

I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-stormageddon-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.

Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I need to know when everyone is available for a family meeting in the kitchen.

I looked at the family colander, but it was hit or miss.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatMoloko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I bought hammocks for the entire family

so we could all hang out together.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dangdatkat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm the sole provider for my family...

They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves for all I care...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
🚨︎ report
A family is having dinner at a fancy restaurant. The waiter asks for drink orders.

The dad (cleverly) says "I'll have some melted ice."

The waiter replies "Just ice is a dish best served cold."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yittrium39
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Road-tripping with the family and coming up on the last rest stop for miles...

"Anyone need to go? Speak now or forever hold your pees!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdsamford
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report
my grandfather told the family to behave themselves when I brought my girlfriend over for dinner

He told my brothers and even my dad to be on their best behaviour, and not to be making inappropriate jokes at the dinner table.

We'd just sat down to dinner when he turned and asked my girlfriend

"What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega Sore Ass!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roryok
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2013
🚨︎ report
I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns...

...it's the dadliest catch.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phredgreen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
🚨︎ report
My family asked what my plans were for the next three years

I told them, "Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jramey97
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I promised myself I would get a 4K TV for the family in 2016.

It's my New Year's Resolution.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H-TownTrill
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
While looking for dogs with the family..

Mom: "Hey how about this one?" (points to a sleeping dog)

Sister: " Look at this one!" (points to a puppy)

Dad: "What about this one?" (points to a damn stuffed animal)

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xdsofakingdom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
🚨︎ report
The rest of my family is going to Ruth's Chris tonight for dinner...

I guess the decision to work tonight was a big missed-steak on my part.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eericwhitee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Waitstaff, the next natural target for dadjokes, after family.

Waitress: . . . and my name's Jillian, if you need me.

Me: What's your name if we don't need you?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wdn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Made breakfast for the family...

My daughter waited to put butter on her toast, but it was too cold to melt the butter. I heated it up in the microwave, and told her "now give it a minute, because its a little toasty."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nub98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
🚨︎ report
My Dad came home from shopping and said he had bought a new exciting board game for the family to play at Christmas!

http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomStud3nt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Caught myself singing this while setting up for the family...

β™« If you wanna cook out You've gotta take her out, Propane... β™ͺ

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phreakmonkey
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2015
🚨︎ report
I was playing Bingo with my girlfriend's family for Christmas Eve, and her dad always announces the numbers

Everytime B-9 comes up, he says:

"B-9... not malignant."

-____-

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightsOfTheNight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Cooking up some lunch for my family when dad walks into the kitchen...

...and says

Dad: What're you making?

Me: I'm cooking up some jerk chicken

Dad: Woah woah woah, the thing is already dead no need to call it a jerk.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnlordly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
🚨︎ report
The frequency of dad jokes has increased due to the family being around for Christmas.

My sister had a good one today at dinner.

We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerociousSalmon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of this year.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Every morning for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke this year.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickelm_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report

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