The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.
π︎ 46
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︎ Oct 31 2020
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that Iβm going for a jog and then I donβt...
Itβs my longest running joke of the year so far...
π︎ 12k
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︎ May 27 2020
Itβs been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back
I guess it just runs in the jeans
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 29 2020
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 07 2020
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 06 2020
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him βHow come thereβs no charge?β
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryβ
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 13 2020
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 27 2020
My family all wore vests for the annual family photo day.
It was the vest day ever. Until i had to take mine off. I just wasn't as invested as they were.
π︎ 9
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︎ Feb 03 2020
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
βNo, sir," he replied. "They're dead.
π︎ 34
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︎ Nov 28 2019
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
π︎ 139
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︎ Mar 13 2019
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 03 2019
At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors.
The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."
π︎ 44
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︎ Jul 17 2019
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 05 2018
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...
We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 17 2019
The carat, a unit of mass for gemstones, and a measurement of purity for gold, takes its name from the Greek word for a carob seed from the Legume family.
No wonder they are called the Pirates of the Carob Bean.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 08 2019
My family finally went out for a picnic in the park
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 05 2019
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They canβt find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. Itβs just a lot to handle.
Sorry for the Saab story.
π︎ 65
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︎ Aug 04 2017
I asked the manager for a family discount and he said "Sir, I don't even know you."
I said "I know that, but I have a family."
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 17 2018
As we sat down at the table for dinner, I looked sheepishly at my family and admitted, "I learned a valuable lesson about speeding today and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again."
"I didnβt get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 18 2018
A mole family is leaving its burrow for the day...
Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. βMmm, someone nearby is baking.β he says. βI smell butter.β
Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,β she says. βI smell sugar!β
Brother Mole is next. βMmm, maybe some chocolate!β he exclaims as he does a little dance.
Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says βAll I smell is molasses.β
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 26 2018
Family asked me to find the christmas tree to put up, looked around for it, couldnβt find that thing anywhere, its a MYSTREE
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 10 2018
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 16 2018
While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.
Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 09 2018
I need to know when everyone is available for a family meeting in the kitchen.
I looked at the family colander, but it was hit or miss.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 23 2018
I bought hammocks for the entire family
so we could all hang out together.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 19 2017
I'm the sole provider for my family...
They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves for all I care...
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 24 2017
A family is having dinner at a fancy restaurant. The waiter asks for drink orders.
The dad (cleverly) says "I'll have some melted ice."
The waiter replies "Just ice is a dish best served cold."
π︎ 53
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︎ Feb 14 2015
Road-tripping with the family and coming up on the last rest stop for miles...
"Anyone need to go? Speak now or forever hold your pees!"
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 25 2017
my grandfather told the family to behave themselves when I brought my girlfriend over for dinner
He told my brothers and even my dad to be on their best behaviour, and not to be making inappropriate jokes at the dinner table.
We'd just sat down to dinner when he turned and asked my girlfriend
"What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega Sore Ass!"
π︎ 231
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︎ Dec 30 2013
I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns...
...it's the dadliest catch.
π︎ 22
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︎ Aug 19 2016
My family asked what my plans were for the next three years
I told them, "Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!"
π︎ 17
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︎ Mar 09 2017
I promised myself I would get a 4K TV for the family in 2016.
It's my New Year's Resolution.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 26 2016
While looking for dogs with the family..
Mom: "Hey how about this one?" (points to a sleeping dog)
Sister: " Look at this one!" (points to a puppy)
Dad: "What about this one?" (points to a damn stuffed animal)
π︎ 54
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︎ Sep 20 2013
The rest of my family is going to Ruth's Chris tonight for dinner...
I guess the decision to work tonight was a big missed-steak on my part.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 24 2016
Waitstaff, the next natural target for dadjokes, after family.
Waitress: . . . and my name's Jillian, if you need me.
Me: What's your name if we don't need you?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 15 2015
Made breakfast for the family...
My daughter waited to put butter on her toast, but it was too cold to melt the butter. I heated it up in the microwave, and told her "now give it a minute, because its a little toasty."
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 02 2016
My Dad came home from shopping and said he had bought a new exciting board game for the family to play at Christmas!
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 04 2013
Caught myself singing this while setting up for the family...
β« If you wanna cook out
You've gotta take her out,
Propane... βͺ
π︎ 12
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︎ May 17 2015
I was playing Bingo with my girlfriend's family for Christmas Eve, and her dad always announces the numbers
Everytime B-9 comes up, he says:
"B-9... not malignant."
-____-
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 25 2014
Cooking up some lunch for my family when dad walks into the kitchen...
...and says
Dad: What're you making?
Me: I'm cooking up some jerk chicken
Dad: Woah woah woah, the thing is already dead no need to call it a jerk.
π︎ 19
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︎ Sep 24 2013
The frequency of dad jokes has increased due to the family being around for Christmas.
My sister had a good one today at dinner.
We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 20 2013
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that Iβm going for a jog, and then I donβt.
Itβs my longest running joke of this year.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Oct 25 2018
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
Every morning for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke this year.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
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