The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.
I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."
Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
It’s been a long running tradition for my family to, once a year, jog to the nearest clothes store and back
I guess it just runs in the jeans
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said
Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
My family all wore vests for the annual family photo day.
It was the vest day ever. Until i had to take mine off. I just wasn't as invested as they were.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn't know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors.
The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...
We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"
The carat, a unit of mass for gemstones, and a measurement of purity for gold, takes its name from the Greek word for a carob seed from the Legume family.
No wonder they are called the Pirates of the Carob Bean.
My family finally went out for a picnic in the park
I got in a car accident last week and things have just been really tough. They can’t find any parts for it because the manufacturer went out of business a few years ago and not having a vehicle is really putting a strain on my work and family. It’s just a lot to handle.
Sorry for the Saab story.
I asked the manager for a family discount and he said "Sir, I don't even know you."
I said "I know that, but I have a family."
As we sat down at the table for dinner, I looked sheepishly at my family and admitted, "I learned a valuable lesson about speeding today and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again."
"I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."
A mole family is leaving its burrow for the day...
Dada Mole pokes his nose out of the mole hole, sniffs the air, and licks his lips. “Mmm, someone nearby is baking.” he says. “I smell butter.”
Mama Mole comes up next and sniffs the air. Her eyes light up. "Yes, someone is baking,” she says. “I smell sugar!”
Brother Mole is next. “Mmm, maybe some chocolate!” he exclaims as he does a little dance.
Little Baby Mole is last. He sniffs the air, gags and nearly chokes as he says “All I smell is molasses.”
Family asked me to find the christmas tree to put up, looked around for it, couldn’t find that thing anywhere, its a MYSTREE
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.
I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.
While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.
Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.
I need to know when everyone is available for a family meeting in the kitchen.
I looked at the family colander, but it was hit or miss.
I bought hammocks for the entire family
so we could all hang out together.
I'm the sole provider for my family...
They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves for all I care...
A family is having dinner at a fancy restaurant. The waiter asks for drink orders.
The dad (cleverly) says "I'll have some melted ice."
The waiter replies "Just ice is a dish best served cold."
Road-tripping with the family and coming up on the last rest stop for miles...
"Anyone need to go? Speak now or forever hold your pees!"
my grandfather told the family to behave themselves when I brought my girlfriend over for dinner
He told my brothers and even my dad to be on their best behaviour, and not to be making inappropriate jokes at the dinner table.
We'd just sat down to dinner when he turned and asked my girlfriend
"What do you call a gay dinosaur? Mega Sore Ass!"
I cook and clean for my family on the condition that they put up with my terrible puns...
...it's the dadliest catch.
My family asked what my plans were for the next three years
I told them, "Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!"
I promised myself I would get a 4K TV for the family in 2016.
It's my New Year's Resolution.
While looking for dogs with the family..
Mom: "Hey how about this one?" (points to a sleeping dog)
Sister: " Look at this one!" (points to a puppy)
Dad: "What about this one?" (points to a damn stuffed animal)
The rest of my family is going to Ruth's Chris tonight for dinner...
I guess the decision to work tonight was a big missed-steak on my part.
Waitstaff, the next natural target for dadjokes, after family.
Waitress: . . . and my name's Jillian, if you need me.
Me: What's your name if we don't need you?
Made breakfast for the family...
My daughter waited to put butter on her toast, but it was too cold to melt the butter. I heated it up in the microwave, and told her "now give it a minute, because its a little toasty."
My Dad came home from shopping and said he had bought a new exciting board game for the family to play at Christmas!
Caught myself singing this while setting up for the family...
♫ If you wanna cook out
You've gotta take her out,
Propane... ♪
I was playing Bingo with my girlfriend's family for Christmas Eve, and her dad always announces the numbers
Everytime B-9 comes up, he says:
"B-9... not malignant."
-____-
Cooking up some lunch for my family when dad walks into the kitchen...
...and says
Dad: What're you making?
Me: I'm cooking up some jerk chicken
Dad: Woah woah woah, the thing is already dead no need to call it a jerk.
The frequency of dad jokes has increased due to the family being around for Christmas.
My sister had a good one today at dinner.
We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke of the year.
Every morning for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.
It's my longest running joke this year.
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