They keep telling you to accept their cookies.
Now nana has a banana and an ananas.
Not sure if I should get original or extra crispy.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
The plot thickens.
My mother just told me she was sending me a sweater made of my grandmother's hair. As if that isn't bothersome enough, she's also sending me the tool used to make it. Evidently, she expects my wife to make one as well, keeping with tradition.
"Mom," I said, "This is so awful. Please don't send me that stuff."
"But Ben," she says, "It's a family hair loom."
which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.
Oh shit, my boomerang!
He was a tad Pole.
She can't hear me otherwise.
It came with the siren blaring “mee maw..mee maw..mee maw.”
Yep, grandma got run over by a John Deere.
But the Margret prices are too high right now.
A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”
She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” “An admirable request. Consider it granted!” Rick said.
“For my second wish, I would like world peace.” “Ah, this is a very difficult request, but it has been done. And for your final request?”
She thought for a moment and decided to make this a selfish wish. “As a movie buff, I would like a copy of every movie in the world in my own private collection.” The genie a bit taken back . . . . paused and said, “This I cannot do . . .” “Why!?” The women exclaimed. “ You can fix world hunger and end all wars, but you cannot complete this simple task?!” The Genie looked away and said, “I can, but your collection will not be complete . . . you see . . . I’m never gunna give you Up!”
Drinks straight from the bottle, she does!
They said she's a great grandmother.
Because she urned it
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall!”
She said ‘look how far I can kick this bucket’.
My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.
We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."
I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.
I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday
“..In my case, it was almost impossible.”
My grandfather said "Hell no, that's like putting a chandelier inside a haunted house."
There was this heavy dresser and my dad said “Let’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said “Id rather lift it”
He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.
We call her Poly Ester
Whenever I visited, I only got to see the good china.
My so-so grandmother got me socks.
Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral
We had a large gathering of family and friends. Everyone paid their respects, we all shared memories and stories
It was a good mourning
That's what I call instagram
It was B9, after all
So I'm poring my grandma a bowl of cereal, I spilt some on the floor, when I moved to pick it up I stepped on a bunch of it. My grandma looks me straight in the eyes and says "look now you're a cereal killer"
I started dieing laughing, she didn't get it.
( first post , father of twins , original joke )
She was a real Gramma nazi!
While visiting our house she was trying to reach something on a tall shelf. My dad helps by saying, "I would give you a hand, but it looks like you only need a finger."
The Weimar Republic
Me: Will anyone be at the funeral home to help us set up?
Mom: No one this early.
Dad: Grandma will be there... but I don't think she will be much help!
That was a good laugh.
I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.
No doubt she's a Cat-holic.
My wife and I brought our new daughter to meet my grandmother who lives in a nursing home in another state. This nursing home has a cat and two dogs that also reside there. I only saw one of the dogs, but my grandmother told me that the other one has no tail. I asked "why not?" she said "It's mother bit the tail off." - I said "What a bitch!" It took a moment, then she said. "She IS a bitch." - We both laughed.
We call it "In Depends Dance Day."
She was insisting she looked aweful in the photograph, "I can't take a good photo!" She said
My father looked up, "It wasn't you that took it, someone else did!"
He chuckled away to himself while my grandmother explained the joke to my aunt
She's become a hoarse whisperer.
My dad jumps in and says, "Sit right down ma'am - we serve everyone!"
My grandmother was getting rid of a box of books, one of which was titled "I Ching." I asked her how to pronounce that word (like e-ching) after which she asked if I knew about it at all. I then responded with "No, but I am I Ching to hear about it!"
So I'm driving my grandmother around so she can go Christmas shopping. Her: I wish I had a date for New Years Eve. Me: You do, December 31st! It took her a few minutes for her to actually realize what I said.
(Talking about the differences between generations)
Grandma: What generation am I in then?
Me: I don't know, the old fart generation?
Grandma: Well, sometimes I make new farts too.
(Showing her the cookbook I made my fiance. Her camera was not on)
"Here is the cookbook I made for mrs. Peabo721 to be"
"Wow Peabo721, that looks awesome!"
"Why thank you grandma"
"You are welcome! This is my favorite dessert cookbook"
"I can't see you right now grandma"
"I know, I'm holding a cookbook in front of me. long pause Nevermind"
So I'm driving back from the store with my Grandma just now, and she tells me about this time when we were driving around when I was, in her words, "just a tiny little shit."
Young Me: hey! Look at those geese!
Grandma: Why do you think one side of the V is longer than the other one?
Me: More geese.
There were about 5 or 6 cemeteries we went to.
Dad: "so you think after today we've experienced..."
Sitting in the kitchen talking about oysters for Christmas Eve dinner and mother is rolling dough for christmas cookies.
Mom: Man, oysters are really expensive. Me: I bet those oysters are gonna cost you a few clams (Granda sees mom struggling with dough) Grandma: You're sure gonna have some mussels by the time you're done with that dough
"How do you feel, grandma?"
rubs fingers together
Grandma: "¿De dónde vienes?" (Where do you come from?) My brother: "Pues, de mi 'ama." (Well, from my mom.)