How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed.( Made by my 5 year old niece)

You buy it from the cat-alogue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EviL-FeaR
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
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From my niece: What's the chicken's favorite place to get coffee?

Starbawks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abfinz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
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Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems?

Because of their Auntie-bodies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reiri_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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I caught my little 4 month old niece chewing on her hand

So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? πŸ”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NES_20
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
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I'm technically an uncle, but my niece laughed so...

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shatari
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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I heard my niece screaming that she was drowning in the bathroom. I ran quickly into the bathroom to see what was wrong.

She had a glass of water on her head and said β€œI’m underwater”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdafbird
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?

Because it's in a fish aunt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.

To which I said, β€œThat doesn’t make cents.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/High_Speed_Chase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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My ADD niece can never find her car

She always loses her focus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zatch17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I was on the phone last night with my niece and she said what do you call someone laying on the floor.

My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Runningforbeer343
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Courtesy of my kid niece: What do you call a sleeping cow?

A bull dozer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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My 7-year old niece made this up: What does Santa say when someone makes a bad decision?

That's a ho-ho-horrible idea!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcrabb23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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My niece who is active in politics just had a face lift...

She's an altered stateswoman.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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My niece was talking mussels from her father's bowl and left none for him.

Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?

Her, grinning: Yup!

Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?

(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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My niece turned the tables on me this time

Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.

I have never been so proud of my niece.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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My niece, currently living in another country, asked: Can you vote when you are abroad?

Me: You can now that women got the vote.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rarmstro613
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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(conversation last night) My niece: what do you get when you cross a dinosaur and pig?

Me: two angry animals.

Nice enough: no.

Me: you get to the other side.

Niece: what’s wrong with you?

Me: nothing. I’m a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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From my niece "Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?"

"Because she will just let it go." Ive had the biggest smile all day!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurmen32
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.

Or was it memory? I can't remember.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veehon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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My 5-year-old niece is a little shit.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.


Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhil48
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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I dadjoked my niece today. She was wondering why they don't have dances in co-ed prisons.

I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"

I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grimfel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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My niece: My friend was arrested for stealing a tomato from Lidl.

Me : Without the tomato how did they Ketchup?

Everyone else: Blank faces.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_Earl_Of_Grey_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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My niece is a dad i think

She was wearing yellow and her sister was wearing red. i told them they looked like ketchup and mustard when she replied, "Well thank you. I'll take that as a condiment."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue β€˜cause β€œit looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass.

I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YinYangMojo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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My niece was playing with her Legos,

And she told she was building a really big ant. I asked her if it was going to be so big that it would be giANT? She then proceeded to tell me that none of my jokes are funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GitFiddler
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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Niece at dinner time : do you like frozen pizza?

Sure, but I prefer it cooked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GroominthePoodle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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My dad says this every time he sees one of his niece or nephews

Dad: So...what grade are you in now?

Them: Grade 8 (at the time)

Dad: Grade 8? ....best 4 years of my life

He says the exact same joke every single time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jako67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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My niece picked up a stuffed animal recently.

It was a cat inside a banana peel. She kept going on and on about "It's so cute." I asked her "So you're telling me it has appeal?" I think a part of her died at that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alf-was-here
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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I met my preschool-aged niece for the first time Christmas eve

She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"

Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"

I got some applause from the few adults present.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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Why did the lazy priest buy a treadmill for his demonically possessed niece?

So her demons would exercise themselves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabidbunnygopoop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
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TIFU by ruining my nieces knitted sweater...

Whoops, wrong thread.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuskStruck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2016
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Niece: Lorde just dropped a new album

Me: I hope it wasn't a 78. Those things really shatter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAlongPonds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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We took my girlfriend's 11 y.o. niece to eat Cuban food

Niece: Cuban food? Are we going to eat cubes?

And when we got there, I swear this happened, there was a pork dish on the menu that was described as fried pork cubes. She ordered it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrainzLA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
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My niece surprised me last night

My niece is 10 and she likes to watch me play video games. I usually get her with the dad jokes but last night while I was running from the cops in GTA she said "Why don't you just give yourself up?" so I decided to be cheesy and I told her "Because I'm above the law" and she looks at me with a puzzled look and said "You may be tall, but you're not THAT tall".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zabzacon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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My niece called my antisocial

I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2pounds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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My little niece doesn't talk much

Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her:

"Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence?"

She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around "she's on the fence about it"

Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dballs09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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Discussing my nieces birthday gift with me sister...

Sister: I think I'm going to get her a Frozen blanket

Me: Don't bother. By the time it gets here it'll have thawed out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chewiesdick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2014
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I was helping my niece with her math homework

Me: "Kay, could you do me a solid and get me some water?"

Her: "No"

Me: "Why??"

Her: "Cause waters a liquid."

Me: "I...just get me some water."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swagdix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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