I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"
Confused, I responded "Eww?"
And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.
Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.
She had a glass of water on her head and said “I’m underwater”
She always loses her focus
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.
So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.
After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...
Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.
She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.
That's a ho-ho-horrible idea!
A bull dozer.
She's an altered stateswoman.
Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?
Her, grinning: Yup!
Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?
(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)
Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.
I have never been so proud of my niece.
Me: You can now that women got the vote.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Me: two angry animals.
Nice enough: no.
Me: you get to the other side.
Niece: what’s wrong with you?
Me: nothing. I’m a dad.
"Because she will just let it go." Ive had the biggest smile all day!!!!
We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"
"Sure. What game?"
"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."
Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".
She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."
I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...
"Yes. Those are all words."
You little shit.
Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."
2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.
I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"
I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.
Me : Without the tomato how did they Ketchup?
Everyone else: Blank faces.
I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Sure, but I prefer it cooked.
She was wearing yellow and her sister was wearing red. i told them they looked like ketchup and mustard when she replied, "Well thank you. I'll take that as a condiment."
And she told she was building a really big ant. I asked her if it was going to be so big that it would be giANT? She then proceeded to tell me that none of my jokes are funny.
It was a cat inside a banana peel. She kept going on and on about "It's so cute." I asked her "So you're telling me it has appeal?" I think a part of her died at that.
Dad: So...what grade are you in now?
Them: Grade 8 (at the time)
Dad: Grade 8? ....best 4 years of my life
He says the exact same joke every single time.
She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"
Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"
I got some applause from the few adults present.
Whoops, wrong thread.
So her demons would exercise themselves.
Me: I hope it wasn't a 78. Those things really shatter.
Niece: Cuban food? Are we going to eat cubes?
And when we got there, I swear this happened, there was a pork dish on the menu that was described as fried pork cubes. She ordered it.
My niece is 10 and she likes to watch me play video games. I usually get her with the dad jokes but last night while I was running from the cops in GTA she said "Why don't you just give yourself up?" so I decided to be cheesy and I told her "Because I'm above the law" and she looks at me with a puzzled look and said "You may be tall, but you're not THAT tall".
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her:
"Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence?"
She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around "she's on the fence about it"
Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself.
One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth! As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have "needs" We had her checked and apparently she is just "seeking attention" (even though she wants for nothing)
Any way... The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF?!)
A few moments later my sister comes in saying "What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for?!"
It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off...:
"NO! No... I said she was likable... Not like a bull."
Laughs all round...
Then one grounded kid.
Me: "Kay, could you do me a solid and get me some water?"
Her: "Cause waters a liquid."
Me: "I...just get me some water."
Sister: I think I'm going to get her a Frozen blanket
Me: Don't bother. By the time it gets here it'll have thawed out
She was complaing that her straw wasn't working. She said it has a hole in it. I told her, "Yeah, it has two holes in it." Everyone besides her was giggling.
So my niece was talking about how it was raining, and at her school they have these "tents", which are really just tarps, over the outside lunch area. Apparently water pools up on top of them after it rains.
Her: the janitor was pushing up with a broom underneath and the water was splashing off, it was intense! me: sounds like it was off-tents actually... her: facepalm
Me: Dad, you're a great-uncle!
Dad: I've always thought so.
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.
I'm a deaf man and I communicate via a combination of American Sign Language and English spoken language. My niece and I were sitting at a restaurant enjoying ourselves when she looks at me and signs, "I'm so glad I know sign language. It's really handy!"
I actually facepalmed on this one for the second time when it came up in my newsfeed yesterday. I'm such a proud uncle.
She can only eat mostmonds.
Me: Dad, I bumped my head! Dad: Does your face hurt? Me: No... Dad: 'cause it's killin' me!
I miss Dad jokes. This subreddit makes me happy when I miss my Dad, because he would have loved these. :)
George was trying to figure out why his neighbours hens wouldn't lay eggs. It was easy for me figure out the reason.
"They're obviously too afraid to lay eggs. You know why? They're chicken!"
My niece is too young to appreciate it now, but she'll learn soon enough.
My twin nieces' birthdays are today. Last night, one of them was licking the bowl of frosting.
"You like that ice in the bowl, don't you?"
"It's not ice ... it's ICING!"
"You sing? Well, I sing too!" begin singing the Smurf song
My niece did a facepalm that would make any dad proud. :)
She said their isn't any AC so I should bring a fan. "No thanks, I don't like my groupies following me when I'm on vacation!"
We went to the Mayan ruins near Tulum instead of the beachfront .
My 8 year old niece when asked if she was enjoying the day: "It's pretty boring. I wish we could go the beach."
Me: "Sorry that we 'ruined' your day."
Me: Tessa you're so pretty
Her: Uncle jonny, I'm not pretty. I'm tessa.
Me (while driving) Hey Heather, whats that sign say?
Heather: (sighing because she knows whats coming) It says Deaf Child Area.
Can I tell you a joke about a limousine?
..... Well, I can't. It's too long
We were playing fairies. She picked up a fairy doll that I did not recognize.
"Who is that? She has red hair so she can't be Tinkerbell."
"This is Tinkerbell's friend, Rosetta."
"Oh, is she really good at languages?"
Her mom is going to Reno this weekend and taking her 2 year old this happened
2 year old "I'm going to Reno!"
Me: "Whhaattt are you gonna drink and gamble?"
2 year old: "No I told you I'm going to RENO"
Made me laugh
Whenever we say, "You're silly" or "you're pretty" or something along those lines, she will angrily respond with, "no I'm not silly, I'm (HER NAME)!"
Started early. My sister is doing it right.
My sister, talking to my dad: "She does seem a lot better today!"
Dad: "So she flu the croup?"
had a bit of a choking scare when she tried to stuff a whole crescent roll in her mouth.
After she regained her composure, I advised her to slow her roll. Groans abound.
He replied, you don't look like a lion to me, you look like a human.