Got played by my niece the other day

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marcofromda510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30
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I heard my niece screaming that she was drowning in the bathroom. I ran quickly into the bathroom to see what was wrong.

She had a glass of water on her head and said β€œI’m underwater”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdafbird
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26
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My ADD niece can never find her car

She always loses her focus

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zatch17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
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This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.

To which I said, β€œThat doesn’t make cents.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/High_Speed_Chase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
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Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?

Because it's in a fish aunt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
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I was on the phone last night with my niece and she said what do you call someone laying on the floor.

My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Runningforbeer343
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
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My 17yo niece fell victim to my 32yo dad/uncle humor.

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterShotBear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
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My 7-year old niece made this up: What does Santa say when someone makes a bad decision?

That's a ho-ho-horrible idea!

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcrabb23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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Courtesy of my kid niece: What do you call a sleeping cow?

A bull dozer.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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My niece who is active in politics just had a face lift...

She's an altered stateswoman.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
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My niece was talking mussels from her father's bowl and left none for him.

Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?

Her, grinning: Yup!

Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?

(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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My niece turned the tables on me this time

Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.

I have never been so proud of my niece.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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My niece, currently living in another country, asked: Can you vote when you are abroad?

Me: You can now that women got the vote.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rarmstro613
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.

Or was it memory? I can't remember.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/veehon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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(conversation last night) My niece: what do you get when you cross a dinosaur and pig?

Me: two angry animals.

Nice enough: no.

Me: you get to the other side.

Niece: what’s wrong with you?

Me: nothing. I’m a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhil48
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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From my niece "Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?"

"Because she will just let it go." Ive had the biggest smile all day!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurmen32
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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My 5-year-old niece is a little shit.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.


Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
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I dadjoked my niece today. She was wondering why they don't have dances in co-ed prisons.

I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"

I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grimfel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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My niece: My friend was arrested for stealing a tomato from Lidl.

Me : Without the tomato how did they Ketchup?

Everyone else: Blank faces.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_Earl_Of_Grey_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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My little niece got a pony for Christmas. She told me to look at its tongue β€˜cause β€œit looked weird”. Told her I’d have to pass.

I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YinYangMojo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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Niece at dinner time : do you like frozen pizza?

Sure, but I prefer it cooked.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GroominthePoodle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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My niece is a dad i think

She was wearing yellow and her sister was wearing red. i told them they looked like ketchup and mustard when she replied, "Well thank you. I'll take that as a condiment."

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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My niece was playing with her Legos,

And she told she was building a really big ant. I asked her if it was going to be so big that it would be giANT? She then proceeded to tell me that none of my jokes are funny.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GitFiddler
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2017
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My niece picked up a stuffed animal recently.

It was a cat inside a banana peel. She kept going on and on about "It's so cute." I asked her "So you're telling me it has appeal?" I think a part of her died at that.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alf-was-here
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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My dad says this every time he sees one of his niece or nephews

Dad: So...what grade are you in now?

Them: Grade 8 (at the time)

Dad: Grade 8? ....best 4 years of my life

He says the exact same joke every single time.

πŸ‘︎ 372
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jako67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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I met my preschool-aged niece for the first time Christmas eve

She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"

Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"

I got some applause from the few adults present.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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TIFU by ruining my nieces knitted sweater...

Whoops, wrong thread.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuskStruck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2016
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Why did the lazy priest buy a treadmill for his demonically possessed niece?

So her demons would exercise themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabidbunnygopoop
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
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Niece: Lorde just dropped a new album

Me: I hope it wasn't a 78. Those things really shatter.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAlongPonds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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We took my girlfriend's 11 y.o. niece to eat Cuban food

Niece: Cuban food? Are we going to eat cubes?

And when we got there, I swear this happened, there was a pork dish on the menu that was described as fried pork cubes. She ordered it.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrainzLA
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
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My niece surprised me last night

My niece is 10 and she likes to watch me play video games. I usually get her with the dad jokes but last night while I was running from the cops in GTA she said "Why don't you just give yourself up?" so I decided to be cheesy and I told her "Because I'm above the law" and she looks at me with a puzzled look and said "You may be tall, but you're not THAT tall".

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zabzacon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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My niece called my antisocial

I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2pounds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
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My little niece doesn't talk much

Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her:

"Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence?"

She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around "she's on the fence about it"

Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dballs09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2015
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A while back my six year old niece got me with a dad joke and she wasn't even in the room at the time!

One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth! As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have "needs" We had her checked and apparently she is just "seeking attention" (even though she wants for nothing)

Any way... The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF?!)

A few moments later my sister comes in saying "What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for?!"

It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off...:

"NO! No... I said she was likable... Not like a bull."

Pause...

Laughs all round...

Then one grounded kid.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freenarative
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
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I was helping my niece with her math homework

Me: "Kay, could you do me a solid and get me some water?"

Her: "No"

Me: "Why??"

Her: "Cause waters a liquid."

Me: "I...just get me some water."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swagdix
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2015
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Discussing my nieces birthday gift with me sister...

Sister: I think I'm going to get her a Frozen blanket

Me: Don't bother. By the time it gets here it'll have thawed out

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chewiesdick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2014
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Got my niece last night at the restaurant.

She was complaing that her straw wasn't working. She said it has a hole in it. I told her, "Yeah, it has two holes in it." Everyone besides her was giggling.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAxManofStrongs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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dad joked my niece

So my niece was talking about how it was raining, and at her school they have these "tents", which are really just tarps, over the outside lunch area. Apparently water pools up on top of them after it rains.

Her: the janitor was pushing up with a broom underneath and the water was splashing off, it was intense! me: sounds like it was off-tents actually... her: facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plasticarmyman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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After my niece was born...

Me: Dad, you're a great-uncle!

Dad: I've always thought so.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_graveled
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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My dad to my niece, How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laconic_1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2014
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My niece got me with this a year ago, it came up on an "On This Day" post in FB yesterday.

I'm a deaf man and I communicate via a combination of American Sign Language and English spoken language. My niece and I were sitting at a restaurant enjoying ourselves when she looks at me and signs, "I'm so glad I know sign language. It's really handy!"

I actually facepalmed on this one for the second time when it came up in my newsfeed yesterday. I'm such a proud uncle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/defguysezhuh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2016
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My niece can eat all nuts but almonds.

She can only eat mostmonds.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b1kerguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
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The one joke that made me most angry as a kid, now I can't wait to use it on my niece/nephew.

Me: Dad, I bumped my head! Dad: Does your face hurt? Me: No... Dad: 'cause it's killin' me!

I miss Dad jokes. This subreddit makes me happy when I miss my Dad, because he would have loved these. :)

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenGemsOmally
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Watching Curious George with my 2 year old niece.

George was trying to figure out why his neighbours hens wouldn't lay eggs. It was easy for me figure out the reason.

"They're obviously too afraid to lay eggs. You know why? They're chicken!"

My niece is too young to appreciate it now, but she'll learn soon enough.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Commander
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2015
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Dadjoked my nieces ...

My twin nieces' birthdays are today. Last night, one of them was licking the bowl of frosting.

"You like that ice in the bowl, don't you?"

"It's not ice ... it's ICING!"

"You sing? Well, I sing too!" begin singing the Smurf song

My niece did a facepalm that would make any dad proud. :)

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlking3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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My niece invited me to her beach house.

She said their isn't any AC so I should bring a fan. "No thanks, I don't like my groupies following me when I'm on vacation!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Uncle-joked my niece in Mexico...

We went to the Mayan ruins near Tulum instead of the beachfront .

My 8 year old niece when asked if she was enjoying the day: "It's pretty boring. I wish we could go the beach."

Me: "Sorry that we 'ruined' your day."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikefraietta
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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My 3 year old niece dad joked me last night.

Me: Tessa you're so pretty

Her: Uncle jonny, I'm not pretty. I'm tessa.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonbailey13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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Thought of this classic Dad joke I used on my niece a while back while driving through a neighborhood.

Me (while driving) Hey Heather, whats that sign say?

Heather: (sighing because she knows whats coming) It says Deaf Child Area.

Me: What???

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slntrob
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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My eight year old niece dad joked me with this one.

Can I tell you a joke about a limousine?

..... Well, I can't. It's too long

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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My five-year-old niece did not appreciate my humor.

We were playing fairies. She picked up a fairy doll that I did not recognize.

"Who is that? She has red hair so she can't be Tinkerbell."

"This is Tinkerbell's friend, Rosetta."

"Oh, is she really good at languages?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittyisagoodkitty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
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My two year old niece dad joked me today

Her mom is going to Reno this weekend and taking her 2 year old this happened

2 year old "I'm going to Reno!"

Me: "Whhaattt are you gonna drink and gamble?"

2 year old: "No I told you I'm going to RENO"

Made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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My 2.5 year old niece has been getting us.

Whenever we say, "You're silly" or "you're pretty" or something along those lines, she will angrily respond with, "no I'm not silly, I'm (HER NAME)!"

Started early. My sister is doing it right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/worshiptribute
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2014
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My niece is sick with croup and the flu

My sister, talking to my dad: "She does seem a lot better today!"

Dad: "So she flu the croup?"

Everyone: groans

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumbledum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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My niece at Thanksgiving dinner...

had a bit of a choking scare when she tried to stuff a whole crescent roll in her mouth.
After she regained her composure, I advised her to slow her roll. Groans abound.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
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My niece told my uncle I said she was lyin'

He replied, you don't look like a lion to me, you look like a human.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squttnbear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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My niece dad joked me

I was chopping wood and she said, "uncle Joe don't hit yourself. You wouldn't want an 'axe'dent"

Her father is doing well.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephgene
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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