Oh how waffle
There was an Ock at the door!
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
She was killed by a giant crab
She liked taking a dip.
That way I would have double Aunt Endres.
I told her not to make it a habit.
What a faminest.
It's gives her peace of mind to kneed the doe.
Use your fork, Luke!
She says that's because missing church for seven days makes one weak!
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye
And the boy Denephew
She was Bee-itchy!
So we were having a big family video call last night, since we're all on different continents, and my aunt was introducing us to her new boyfriend, Bill.
> Cousin: So when is Bill gonna come visit us, so we can meet him in person? > > Aunt: Oh, I don't know, Bill doesn't really fly (he's afraid of flying) > > Dad: He doesn't have to, the plane does. > > Long distance family groan
Going on a small excursion tomorrow and my brother asked to go with. Texted my aunt to tell her he wanted to be a girl scout cookie tomorrow and tag along. Her response.... Smore the marrier.
My dad: Can't she hold it in? It's Independence Day not Labor Day!
It was our Monica!
My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch." My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now." I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.
I guess it's the onset of many paws.
"We have seen the Aunty Christ."
A few months ago, my mothers aunt had died so we went to her funeral. Before the funeral mass had started, my mom told my brother and me to go up and say hello to Aunt Beth (the woman who had died). A few minutes later, my mom comes up and asks both of us "Did you go up to Aunt Beth and say hi" to which my brother replied "Yeah, but she was a real jerk. She just laid there and didn't say anything"
The next tenant tried to run a KFC but it didn't do very well because it was built on an ancient Indian aerial grounds.
I don't know if she's insane, but she's in Seine!
95% of conversations between me & my aunt turn into pun wars.
I was talking to my aunt who was pregnant and she was thinking of potential names: Aunt: I've narrowed it down to Winifred for a girl or Conwyn for a boy. Me: I guess it will be a win win situation either way
Neither name was picked
She told him she doesn't have any but she's got Aleve.
I piped up and asked "well where you going?"
In the room full of about fifteen people, I got a big mix of groans and genuine laughs
We were over at my dad's sister's house (We'll call her Sophie) My dad asked us (My sister and I): "Do you know whose house are we at?" My sister: "Aint Sophie's" Dad: "Well then whose is it?"
Me: Facepalm with slight chuckle
they were all cross-stitched
"It's okay, he didn't drink much!"
Aunt Jay: I'm so sorry I ruined your nice shirt!
Me: You didn't ruin it, you turned it into a tea-shirt for me!
So my mom had emergency surgery for an ovarian cyst this week. She's home since, and people are calling just to see how she is.
The day after the surgery, my mom is still weak and can't walk very well. The phone rings, so I pick it up for her, it's my aunt. After the usual "Hi, how are yous," she says to me, "So, how's her cyst-a?"
They hadn't seen me in a while so they were asking about my life..
Aunt: So how's your relationship life going? Are you seeing anyone?
Me: No.. Not anymore
Uncle: You should really get your eyes checked then! There are three of us here!
(including their beautiful daughter)
My aunt texted my mom "did you hear about the kidnapping at school?" And my mom was talking to us wondering which school my aunt was referring to. Then my aunt responds:
"It's okay, he woke up."
Noooooo. My mom tells my dad what my aunt said and pointed at my mom's foot and then his leg and said "Corn knee."
This just happened. My cousin was talking about a girl in her class who decided not to walk during their graduation. My aunt asked her what the girl's name was. When my cousin said "her name is Eileen or something" my aunt replied with "Oh, the girl with one leg?" She got a lot of groans.
My aunt's bathroom is shaped like a hallway, long and narrow. I found out when she moved into her house, her dad told her she should repaint the bathroom with silver paint. When she asked him why, he said, "Well then you could call it the Long John Silver."
Her: "Did you guys smoke it?"
My Dad (who was in the room): "No, they ate it."
"Hey baby, how's it going? You look sexy tonight. Positively stunning! Oh yeah baby…"
From then on she asked him to flip the light switch on or off…
Now she just doesn't ask him.
We were about to take the dog for a walk when I asked if I could just use the restroom before we left.
She said "Sure, I'll just go get some poo bags", to which I replied "No that's alright, I think the toilet will do just fine"
Se was confused for about two seconds before she finally groaned.
We were camping and setting up a tent thing to cover our food.
her: i wonder which way the rain will fall (meaning which side it'll hit)
me: ...uhh down?
mom: go ahead and slap him
My jeep has quite the ant problem so I got some Terro Ant killer. My girlfriend asked if it actually was actually going to work since she is tired of getting bitten. I said "It doest't work to well on uncles but the ants will definitely be gone." She was not amused as always.
Did you hear, Jesus and a couple of 2x4s walked into a bar. They got hammered together.
I don't know what her problem was, I think dad nailed it.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Aunt Kim: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
Spent Spring Break with them, this was all I heard. :)
So as my great aunt and uncle are showing me and my girlfriend around their neighbourhood.
"and to the right, we have the dead centre of Croydon" as we pass a crematorium. He's a great dad
What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
My aunt sent a mass-text this morning to the family, but misspelled a key part of her message.
They were sitting next to each other at the dinner table.
His Aunt: Hey, can you reach that butter for me?
Dad: reaches over and touches butter Yes I can!^ha^ha^ha^ha
My dad to his sister "Did you hear about the two antenna that got married?" "no." "Oh, the wedding was alright, but the reception was great!"
My aunt and I lost it. The rest of the room filled with groaning.
http://imgur.com/qusMgtD She makes apple sauce too so I think that's what got him to make the association. This wasn't the only victim of his use of the free stickers that come with everyone's iPhones, though.