Aunt And Uncle Puns

Now my wallet weighs 31 pounds.

Relephants

My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch." My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now." I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.

But I ended up bored on the sofa while my aunt and uncle had sex! It was a bit of an aunticlimax...

She told him she doesn't have any but she's got Aleve.

I piped up and asked "well where you going?"

In the room full of about fifteen people, I got a big mix of groans and genuine laughs

They hadn't seen me in a while so they were asking about my life..
Aunt: So how's your relationship life going? Are you seeing anyone?
Me: No.. Not anymore
Uncle: You should really get your eyes checked then! There are three of us here!
(including their beautiful daughter)

So as my great aunt and uncle are showing me and my girlfriend around their neighbourhood.

"and to the right, we have the dead centre of Croydon" as we pass a crematorium. He's a great dad

My dad married my mom, my uncle married my aunt, and my grandpa married my grandma, etc.

I was at a funeral a couple weeks ago. We went to church then the reception. Sitting next to my mom, brother and a couple aunts and uncles, I turned to my mom and told her, "I felt like I was losing my soul in church." I received a few astonished looks when my mom asked, "why would you say that?" I picked up my foot and showed her the sole of my shoe coming off.

My aunt recently had a baby, and she was telling us about the experience the other day at a family get-together. How beautiful her little girl is, how amazing the experience was, yadda yadda. Then she told us about my uncle's reaction, which she was less than thrilled about.

When my uncle saw his daughter for the first time after my aunt had just labored for hours, he said:

"Damn, it's 2013, you'd think they'd have started making these things cordless by now."

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case? "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?' "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?' "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Took the kids to a bug museum this weekend and was walking behind this other dad and his kids for a good bit of the time. When we get to the leaf cutter ant exhibit, my three year old loudly says something to the effect, "Look at all those ants!". The dad turns around and says, smugly, "How do you know they aren't uncles?" My kids groan, his kids groan, all in a dad's work, right? Then his daughter, who was probably 8 or 9, pipes up, "Well, Dad, since they're all female, it's safe to say that are, in fact, aunts!"

Her timing was impeccable. She's going places.

Were (my parents, aunt, uncle and I) out getting ice cream, when my mom points out malt ball ice cream. my dad, being the joker he is, says "moth balls? that's a weird flavor" we have a laugh, get our ice cream, and walk outside. In the wake of "moth balls", I ask my uncle "have you ever smelled moth balls?"

"of course" he responds.

I nod my head, then promptly ask "how'd you get the little things legs apart?"

.

He answered the phone on his birthday and it was my aunt, uncle, and cousins. They sang happy birthday to him. Near the end of the song, he hands me the phone and tells me to say, "hold on, I'll go get my Dad."

They sang again.

So in class the professor says how much he enjoyed visiting Nice, France (pronounced Niece).

I respond with, "Sure Niece is nice, but I hear their ant (aunt) problem is so bad they're about to cry uncle!"

This was followed by polite chuckling from the class, but gut busting laughter from the professor and I.

A few days ago, I was with family and Aunt #1 was showing me a book about antique stamps for collectors and the many thousands of dollars some of them cost. When she talked about her stamp collection, I said "That's a sticky habit."

Aunt #2 groaned and said, "What are you? Uncle R (her husband)?"

A few minutes later, I told her, "It's okay. You can address your resentment of stamp-related puns to me. I'm not afraid. [walking to edge of the room] I can take a licking right here in this corner if I have to! C'mon, go postal on me!"

Eating lunch today with my Mom, Dad, Aunt, and Uncle. My Dad pays for the entire meal, so my uncle asked if he included a tip (wanting to pitch in some for the meal). Dad says "Nah, she probably knows way more about waitressing than I do." Everyone groaned and left the table

He's 4 years old and walked into the kitchen while I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My aunt saw him and got slightly irritated because this was a problem she thought he had gotten over. She goes to talk to her husband about it:

Aunt: Keegan had another accident honey.

Uncle: Oh did he now?

Aunt: Yes. And I'm making dinner, so can you please deal with this? (at this point she is still pretty ticked off)

Uncle: oh I'll deal with it. Keegan come here.

Keegan walks over

Uncle: Urine a lot of trouble mister. Can't you pee that you're pissing your mother off?

My uncle proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at his own joke while my four year old cousin stood there looking really confused and my aunt walked away with her arms crossed, angrily trying to hold back her laughter.

We were celebrating my vegetarian uncle's birthday out at Sweet Tomatoes, which is a salad buffet restaurant. They have other things too, like pastas, breads, and soups.

My uncle settles down at his table, and loudly remarks to my aunt:

Uncle: "You know, this place is great and all..."

Her: "Yeah? What's wrong?"

Uncle: "I don't know. By the time I get all my food together from the buffet line..."

Aunt: "...what?"

Uncle: "My salad gets cold!"

Groans were heard all around.

I was talking to my aunt and uncle about their (20-something) daughter's older male friends when my 90 year old grandfather come out of nowhere and says: > I'm Mormon in that I don't care how you bring 'em, as long as you Bring'Em Young

My sister laughed for a week.

So my aunt and uncle have a dog is afraid of every thing. Literally everything and my uncle mentions how he gets freaked out by his own tail to which my dad replied:

"He better get over his fear of his tail, otherwise it's going to follow him the rest of his life"

My dad and uncle are talking about gardening and my aunt chimes in about my uncle being terrible weeder. My uncle replies that it used to be a punishment when he was a kid, so he doesn't like to do it.

My dad replies, "When I was a kid, I was a good weeder. But I could never get through Gwapes of Wath,".

So I was over at my aunt and uncles house this evening for Christmas Eve dinner, when my Grandma remarked to my Dad just how much my 4 year old brother had grown since she had last seen him.

Grandma: Well how big is he now? He must have grown a foot since I last saw him.

Dad: Nope, he still only has two.

It took everyone a moment to get it, but it eventually clicked.

...for cheating on tests. The wife's aunt/uncles were all giving their opinions.

Uncle: They're going to jail for like 5 years! I think they should have just lost their jobs.

Me: Yea, I agree. And also make them register as...test offenders!

Waitress: Hi my name is Sam and I'll be taking care of you. Customer: Sam like Uncle Sam, or I guess that would be Aunt Sam for you.

I'm currently at s friend's house, and my dad just texted me this.

Me: Relatively.

Him: I'm not sure what aunts and uncles have to do with that...

My girlfriend and I went to an Egyptian festival over the weekend. It was actually surprisingly fun. The next day I'm having dinner with her family (mom, dad, two sisters), paternal grandparents aunt, uncle, and two cousins.

"Hey _emordnilaP, how was the Egyptian festival yesterday?" Her mom asked.

"Oh it was alright, except all the cool stuff happened way before anyone was really there, and the only thing left were poorly drawn pictures."

Like I said, no one laughed...except her dad. I was proud.

My aunt and uncle recently adopted an Ethiopian boy. His first night in the states, he had pizza off the kids menu at Olive Garden. It was a small personal pizza, with an obvious circle shape. Couple days later, had pizza at his new parents. It was cut into the triangular shape. He went to school for the last day of the semester just to see what it was like, and they had square pizza.

Not knowing what the shapes were called in English, he drew the shapes for us. When he told us it was square pizza, my dad yelled out "they're cutting corners!"

"Your aunt graduated Magna Cum Laude, your uncle graduated Summa Cum Laude, and I graduated Thank You Laudy"

Aunt: Ahh what happend to your beard? Me: It had other places to go. Uncle: So it feel off and found a better face. If it was me I would of shaved it off instead of letting it go on its own to find someone better.

I had just finished painting my nails when my aunt and uncle came over. My nails were all black, except my ring fingers which were a deep red. My uncle asked me why some of my nails were a different color. "It's called an accent nail. They're really in style." I informed him. "More like accident nail!" He then proceeded to laugh quite a bit at his own joke.