I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
My son asked me for something hard to write on
I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son asked me “ Dad did you get a haircut?”
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
My son kept chewing on live electrical wires
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
"Son, what're you drinking" "Soy milk"
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
My son said, “Dad, when you were young, was the landline the only way you could communicate with each other?”
I said, “No. Get your fax straight.”
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
A man is washing the car with his son.
The son asks...... "Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?"
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska...
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
My son just threw a milk carton at me
Son: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Dad: I know you think it’s R, but I think it’s X. Son: Why?
No, it’s definitely not Y.
My son (3M) keeps asking if he can join the military.
When I tell him he's too young, he says he wants to join the infantry.
My 4 year old daughter came crying that she couldn't find her Barbie dolls. Apparently, my 2 year old son threw them in fire last night for fun.
My son asked me, “Are vampires real?”
I said, “No, unless you Count Dracula.”
My son asked, “How do you get Dick from Richard?”
I said, “Well, you gotta go to dinner first.”
My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
My son bet me he could eat 150 eggs, but he ended up puking and quitting at 144.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears...
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Son: Daddy there’s a spider in my room. Dad: he’s fine, he’s just minding his own business. Son: what business does a spider have?
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if it’s raining in Sweden?
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs...
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
What did the drummer call his twin sons?
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
My son asked me and my SO why koala's aren't considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications.
My SO sighed and left the room... She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
My 5 y.o. son walked up to me with his under armour shirt on backwards so the words were on the back.
He said, “I got back words!” How did I not see that one coming?
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
My son just kicked the bucket.
Son-"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Son-"Cmon no fair."
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
Son: what was the first dad joke in history?
Dad: probably I’mroglyphics
Dad: Hieroglyphics I’m dad!
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I told my son if he farted in the car he would have to give me 10$ of his 100$ monthly allowance.
I always get my 10 Per-Scent
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants
but he's still making fun of me
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords,
Son-“Dad it’s cold in here, can we turn the thermostat up”
Me - “No just go stand in the corner”
Me - “Because it is always at 90 degrees”
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
I told my son he's grounded
He was touching a copper water pipe and I'm an electrician.
"Dad, do you have any rough sandpaper?" My son asked.
"Of coarse I do," I replied.
My son asked me if i could count numbers in German.
My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who?
Me: Yes, they were good too.
My son and I both have knee problems
My 3 yrs old son told me he got a girlfriend
I asked him what's her name
Son: " Sophie "
Me: "Son,you can't be serious "
Son : "is it because she's older than me?"
Me : "No, it's because she's our cat"
My son asked me, "How come there is a Father's Day, but not a Son Day?"
I replied, "Hey, there is a Son Day every week!"
My sons a vegetarian
My wife and son are vegetarians, but I eat meat. One day, my son try’s to eat some of the chicken off my plate and my wife says “No sons name That’s a dead bird. We don’t eat dead birds”.
I reply “she’s right Son, it’s a murder most fowl”.
Don't ever stare at a woman's hip for too long son
It's just a waist of time
My son sees me rushing to pick up my ringing mobile in another room.
Son: "Mom, Dad's russian!!"
My hippy son asked for money for a field trip to the symphony hall
But it seemed like a Phishing attempt to me
I made my son a castle out of a abacus for his birthday
It's the Fort that counts
At our PTA meeting, my son's teacher said he's the best she's ever seen at using Elmer's...
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I don’t know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said I’m free to go.
I replied “actually it cost me about $80”
Son: "Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?"
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
Today, I taught my son how to zest a lime...
My son asked me, “why isn’t there B batteries?”
I said, “Son, bees don’t need batteries”
My son comes up to me today and tells me he’s gay. My wife tried to stop me but I couldn’t stop myself shouting at him.
Hi gay I’m dad. I just get so excited at every oppertunity to say it.
My son thought males and females were practically the same...
I told him there was a vas deferens.
Son: Dad, could you put my shoes on?
Me: No, I don’t think they will fit me.
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
My son refuses to eat rice if it in not white.
I said “Son, that’s ricest!”
My son asked me today what do you call a damaged horse house?
Fair play have to hand it to him.. he got me.
Today my son typed "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. "Billy, please stop reposting the same joke for karma, everyone will hate you."
"Then give me the damn bookmark."
I gave him the bookmark.
He finally won.
My son asked me "What to pirates drive?"
Me: They drive a H-arrr-d bargain!
Son: No daddy, they drive a ship.
I bought a piñata for my son’s birthday
My son said I was like a "q."
...Because a q is just a "weird 'o'"
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator
I told him of course not - I ate them in the living room
Son:What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad:Their effort goes in vein.
My son was upset after I gave him a single marshmallow.
I think he wanted s'more.
I bought my son a Bass.
But Dad, I wanted a Ukulele.
Ah well, your Ukulele just passed puberty.
My son hates my dadjokes. This just happened: we were watching Marvel Avengers and I said, "why is he called Thor ? He shouldn't be". My son asked why not.
"He should be called Hi-Ki. Because he is Lo-Ki's elder brother".
He nearly cried.
What did the father airplane say to his son after his first successful flight
Son: Dad, I read about how Corals are stressed. What are they stressed about?
Dad: Current events, probably.
Son: Why is the food so cold and bland?
Dad: Because your mom put her heart and soul in it.
Son: Dad, im hungry!
Dad:"(hands his son a burger) It's a bison burger!"
Also dad:(leaves, and never comes back)
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
My son got mad after I called his weed stupid
I said "Jeez cant you take a toke ?"
Son, how do you call a black wizard?
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
I was making pizzas for dinner with my son tonight
As my son finished spreading the pizza sauce on the bases: “How do they look Dad!”
I reply: “They can’t, they don’t have eyes”
Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.
Him: second best?
Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son kept chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and he’s conducting himself properly.