My daughter thinks it's funny to pick her nose

But it's snot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
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My daughter asked that I not be funny when her friend came over because she said, I’m unorthodox. I offered to grow my sideburns out and wear a hat so then I would look fully orthodox.

β€˜That’s exactly what I mean’ she said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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My daughter is 7 and thinks my lame jokes are funny, but I finally made her cringe today.

She was getting ready for a birthday party and comes running in:

Her: "Dad I can't find any socks to wear, and my favorite pair has a hole in it."

Me: "Well don't throw them away you can wear them to church on Sunday."

Her: "Huh, why?"

Me: "Because they're hole-y."

Her: "Uuuuhhh, daaaad."

I feel proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/You-Can-Trust-Me
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2013
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Daughter said she doesn't find her dad funny, so he told her to go to the store and buy eggs with no whites...

So she can get her dad's yolks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalenrb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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My 10 year old came in with a piece of paper and said β€œDad, I’ve got a joke for you.”

Then she ripped it in half and said, β€œNever mind, it’s tearable.”

I feel like I’ve succeeded as a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodunk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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(meta) <Me, reading r/dadjokes to myself and chuckling>

<my 12 y.o. daughter> "What? What?"

-- I tell the joke --

<my daughter> --eyeroll-- "You need to stop laughing at jokes that aren't funny!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sqjoatmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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Duck fart

My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZRO316
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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My daughter yesterday: "Dad you're like a social vegan..."

"You avoid 'meet' whenever possible".

Clearly I've raised her well.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XrayJ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
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9 yo daughter: "You know, dad; I think I have your sense of humour."

Me (rather pleased): "Really?" Her: "Yes. Would you like it back?"

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flayan514
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2016
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Taco Tuesday

While making tacos my overly (un)helpful daughter keeps trying to help. I nicely tell her to let us make them. She asks why.

I deadpan tell her "Because it needs to be put together in the right order, or it will taste funny. And no one likes a funny tasting taco."

Wife is hiding somewhere dying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuaskin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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I bought a selfie-stick

here's a photo of my daughter and me taken with it

http://i.imgur.com/In3hWXC.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PonyMamacrane
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
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Her first disappointment

Yesterday my almost 3 year old daughter was took my ears and said: "Daddy, I took your ears. You don't have your ears anymore" Me: "what?" She: "Daddy, I took your ears. You don't have your ears anymore" Me: "What?" She: "You don't have your ears anymore" Me: "But what? I cannot hear you, because I don't have my ears anymore"

She looked, understood wat I was saying and then turned to me at me with a face of huge disappointment...

I still think it was funny though

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Woodrunner
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks 'A gift for your daughter?'

I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!'

She thought that was pretty funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nocatsonmelmac
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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I told my first dad joke today.

I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen.

I was installing some shelves up on the walls over my computer desk. Having just finished marking the walls where I was going to insert the screws, I was now installing the brackets onto the boards.

From behind me, I heard my wife say, "How's it going?"

Me: "Well, it's shellfish."

Wife: "It's what?"

Me: "Shellfish. I'm still putting the mounting brackets on, so it's not a shelf yet. It's shelf-ish. Shellfish."

At least my daughter thought it was funny.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odins_left_eye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Does this belong here?

Me: Whats up, kiddo?

10 yr old daughter: Whats up....adulto?


I feel like she dad joked me, even though it's not a pun.

Idk. Downvote it to hell if you want. Still thought it was funny!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_second_look
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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Brain to mouth filter disengaged

The other morning my daughter was feeling down because she has been outshined by a male in the mixed netball team and felt she couldn't do better because she was a girl.

I of course pointed out that girls can do anything that a guy can do if she puts her mind to it. So far so good.

ERROR - brain to mouth filter disengaged.

Then said, in earshot of my wife, look at your mother over there growing a moustache.

She did not find it as funny as we did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tailsandtails
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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I've been torturing my daughter, vol. 4

The fourth album is often the best.

Credit to the original submitters. Thanks for keeping me funny, dads.

EDIT: Black Sabbath, Paranoid, Master of Reality

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
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What did the crow say when his friend got run over by a hit and run driver?

Caw the Cawps!

Backstory - my daughter woke up this morning telling me about her nightmare - I was driving her down a road, and kept running over crows in the road, she would look back and would see crows mourning over their friends. We had to keep driving back and forth through the same road because we kept forgetting something at home, along the way running over more crows.

I told her this joke, she didn't think it was too funny. My other daughter thought it was funny though. Now she keeps walking around saying "Caaaaw the caaaaaawps" in a high crowy voice. I'll regret telling her the joke by the end of the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jellyjack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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waves of laughter ensued

Sooooo... my oldest daughter curled her sister's hair this weekend... on the way home I started waving at her until she looked at me and asked me what I was doing... I told her that her hair was all wavy so I was waving back. She had the usual split second involuntary smile at the the corners of her mouth before she gave me a you-son-of-a-@#$%!-look ( http://imgur.com/D0UHimq )... because my kids refuse to acknowledge how funny I am... I laughed... and laughed...and I'm still laughing about it today...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samoerai
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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My wife isn't hungry anymore...

About to throw some meat on the grill and said "I'm so glad we're married." She asked me why, and I replied, " so this won't be a miss-steak." I think I'm eating alone tonight.

UPDATE: she decided to meat me at the table, grill me about my sense of humor and wine about how I wasn't funny. At least my daughter likes my puns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coachlasso
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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On puppies as presents. I laughed so hard I almost couldn't finish the joke

I jokingly told my wife and 5 year old daughter that I was hiding a puppy in a box until Christmas.

Daughter: I hope you poked holes in it so it can breathe!

Me: puppies can breathe out of their nose and mouth why would I poke holes in it!?

I thought it was funny..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
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She's too mature for that kind of joke. [True story]

On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeshaper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
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Why is there music coming from that rock?

Out with my daughter at a resort, we heard music coming from a speaker shaped to look like a rock. She asked me why they had music coming from a rock. I told her the truth: it's rock music.

"Dad," she replied, "you're funny."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2015
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On the way out of the house, my daughter has to use the bathroom.

Getting into the car my daughter says that she has diarrhea and if she's late to school they will just have to understand

I say, "Well then I hope your day at school isn't too crappy."

Daughter responds, "Dad, you are not funny."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzraelBaine
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Told my daughter "No" to something, she replies with "but daaaaadddd I wanna know whyyyyy!"

My response: "Well I want to know W, but we can't meet all the letters we want now can we?"

Daughter: (angry and annoyed tone) "That's NOT funny dad...."

My wife got a chuckle out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xanaoded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2015
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Dadjokes badge winner! One for the Pi day!

So, we were having dinner and talking about Pi day and I told them "everything relates to the circle of life", my daughter said "Dad you are not funny" and my wife said "you have become like my dad"

I think that was the ultimate badge of a dadjoker, right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/un4r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
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I am going to my Womb

Okay lets be clear this is more of a Mom joke, but it is a Dad joke of a Mom. Now that's out of the way I was over at my friend's house, his parents are pretty funny and this joke is about his parent and not mine own.

So my friend has a four year old sister and she was mad because she couldn't have soda, so she threw a four year old fit. Her dad comes up to her and tells her she can have a cup of water. She starts crying and yells "I am going to my Womb", as four year olds can't pronounce Rs. Her Mother appears from her room and screams "Hey once you're out, you're out. There is no coming back in" The Dad who was doing his poker face breaks and starts crying laughing, so does everyone else but the daughter who just looks confused. After a few seconds we calm down and she says it again and storms off, as we chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/e-duncan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Joke de père

Im french-canadian. ^^"Hi ^^french-canadian, ^^im ^^dad" ^^done!

Im made an awesome dadjoke earlier but it is french. Im still gonna tell you, cause its awesome, but don't worrie, I'll explain it over and over and laugh doing it, because, after all, im a dad and the same rules apply, whatever the language.

So, the mother was distributing cookies after the meal. One for the daughter, one for me and 2 for her. Doing it, she said "le deuxième, c'est mon pourboire" (the second is my tip) in french, tip is pourboire, but, if you separate the word like so "pour boire" it means "for drinking". So, I said to her "pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger!" (for drinking? Cookies are for eating)

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHA. FUCK ME, ITS HILARIOUS.

See, its a classic dadjoke in french and I still got her good! "Pour boire? Ben non, c'est pour manger" hahahahah. Cause you don't drink cookie, you eat it. Hahaha. So great. Eyes were rolling all over the place, I almost step on one. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You got it, right? She said, "the second cookie is my tip" (le deuxième biscuit est mon pourboire) and I reply "tip? Cookies are for eating!" (Pour boire? Les biscuits, c'est pour manger) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MAN, its funny as hell!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brunovitch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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I had almost forgotten...

This popped up in my Timehop from when my daughter was 3...

Her: Mom, I can't catch up! Me: Can you mustard? Her: What? No... Me: Can you BBQ sauce? Her: Ummm, no? Me: AND you can't ketchup?! Her: You know what I like about you? You're funny.

Ahhh she's a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metalspaghetti
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2015
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Needed a wii

Walking through town with my daughter who has been asking for a Nintendo Wii for a long time.

Daughter asks for one because she got a good report.

No.

Asks for one if we see it on sale.

No.

Asks for one if she does all her chores for 3 months straight.

No.

Asks for an early birthday present.

I crack. "Ok honey, I'll take you for a wii"

Arrive at public toilets and tell her to go and get one.

"You're not funny dad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shinjetsu01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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I just became my father today.

My 4 year old daughter - Guess what that elephant was doing the other day? Me: Having a trunk sale?

Gah... The wife couldn't believe how funny I thought I was.

Edited- Phone likes to add words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/detroitgtx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
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Dropped this one on my daughter tonight

She's got a friend over and we are getting ready to turn in for the night. We are letting our guest know what's ours is hers and my wife says to the kids "You know where the pop is" and I said the obvious "I'm right here".

Not great in the scheme of dadjokes but I got the best reaction because 1. My daughter rolled her eyes 2. Her friend thought it was funny and 3. The fact that her friend thought it was funny annoyed my daughter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Generic_Cleric
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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