Husband Puns

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

Yeah, I tractor down.

he can't have my nose, I need it!

I said, “what have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?”

He looked really confused and said “What? I didn’t leave anything out”

“because the dog is over here sawing some logs!”

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"

He took her for granite.

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

Imagine my surprise when I saw my son was colored blue on Christmas morning.

Eureka!

He was their sole bread wiener.

Blue balls

"Dad, once I reach 99 lb, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",

" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."

But I couldn't ignore the red flags any longer.

Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,

“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: “We’re” not going anywhere.

You may kiss the bride goodbye.

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

A woman calls her husband's doctor.  "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:

This has to stop

I'm fed up

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said “give her another, dad.” And he responded with “what’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

A brad pitture

He thought it was a fine joke.

The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."

(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)

and he did so on our dog’s paws

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.

My dad: I tried to smoke a chicken once, but it wouldn't light.

He doesn't have a Reddit account old enough to post this one!

In his words:

Not sure if I've heard this one before somewhere, but it made me laugh when it popped in my head when I was waking up. The kids, however, thought it was lame! Here goes:

Why did the baker feel crap?...

Because he kneaded one.

Then proceeded to say "well, if it wasn't ground beef before, it is now."

This is my baby, and this is my bae-bee.

So he became 90

The judge asked her, “first offender” “No,” she says “first a Gibson then a Fender

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

“Sure,” she replies. “Plethora,” the guys says. The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”