A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection

the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Were you able to get ahold of that lady selling the John Deere? My husband:

Yeah, I tractor down.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierraann0402
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My husband asked me to label our new spice rack. I took creative liberties. reddit.com/gallery/j8u7w7
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefoxclady
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound, his reply...

he can't have my nose, I need it!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FTM-Oct2020
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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I just got my husband with my best one yet

I said, β€œwhat have I told you about leaving the power tools out where the dogs can reach them?”

He looked really confused and said β€œWhat? I didn’t leave anything out”

β€œbecause the dog is over here sawing some logs!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaxinthebox14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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My wife told me, "You're a better husband than I'll ever be."

I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"

πŸ‘︎ 876
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeinator21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Why did the limestone leave her husband?

He took her for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband texted back: β€œI’m on the toilet, please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronh1202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I told my husband I wanted a Dyson for Christmas.

Imagine my surprise when I saw my son was colored blue on Christmas morning.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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How did the Italian wife tell her husband he needed a bath?

Eureka!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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My sister's family lost their only income when his husband got fired from his job making shoes, baguettes and sausages.

He was their sole bread wiener.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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How did the frustrated husband decorate the christmas tree?

Blue balls

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My son to my husband

"Dad, once I reach 99 lb, I will eat one pound of nachos. Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Lorraine finally leaves her husband Dave. His open flirting with the new neighbour Deidre, is the last straw..

Dave reads her leaving note and thinks, "Great",

" I can see Deidre now Lorraine has gone."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontmeenafing
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses

But I couldn't ignore the red flags any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katskratched
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife are walking in the park together.

Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,

β€œSee, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RosselWestbrook
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: β€œWe’re” not going anywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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I now pronounce you husband and wifi

You may kiss the bride goodbye.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rricenator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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A nagging wife yelling at her husband "I would rather married Satan than marrying you"

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mougy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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A woman calls her husband's doctor...

A woman calls her husband's doctor. Β "Did you really tell my husband he could masturbate whenever he wanted?"

"No ma'am, I told him he could have a stroke at any time."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A wife kept over-feeding her husband

One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:

This has to stop

I'm fed up

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alkedi44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abucket87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My husband and I were eating chips when our toddler requested one. So he gave her a chip and she walked away.

A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said β€œgive her another, dad.” And he responded with β€œwhat’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/egb233
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourYam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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What do you call an ugly photo of Angelina Jolie's ex-husband?

A brad pitture

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNorux
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.

He thought it was a fine joke.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. It’s an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pellersheila
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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A wife says to her husband: "Honey, I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving."

The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."

(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PresidentalPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I asked my husband to please press pause

and he did so on our dog’s paws

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"

http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7

My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScrollButtons
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Quarantine day 25: Found my husband working on the patio with his scroll saw. Yes. It's a scale model.
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cynthiaimprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman was sitting at her dead husband's funeral.

A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 291
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my husband may be a racist.

He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was talking to my dad yesterday about all the meats my husband has cooked in the smoker

My dad: I tried to smoke a chicken once, but it wouldn't light.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jkm024
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Posting for my husband.

He doesn't have a Reddit account old enough to post this one!

In his words:

Not sure if I've heard this one before somewhere, but it made me laugh when it popped in my head when I was waking up. The kids, however, thought it was lame! Here goes:

Why did the baker feel crap?...

Because he kneaded one.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweetelyseblog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My husband just dropped a bag of burgers on the floor

Then proceeded to say "well, if it wasn't ground beef before, it is now."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdiTheFox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Queen Bee introduce her son and husband?

This is my baby, and this is my bae-bee.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tyrannosaur85
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple on 60 years met a genie and they got 1 wish each The wife wished she’d travel the world so she did. The husband wanted a 30 years younger wife

So he became 90

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILoveCake10
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is on trial for beating up a unfaithful rockstar husband with his guitar collection

The judge asked her, β€œfirst offender” β€œNo,” she says β€œfirst a Gibson then a Fender

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...

β€œIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... β€œI am on the toilet. Please advise.”

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says, β€œMay I just say one word?”

β€œSure,” she replies. β€œPlethora,” the guys says. The widow says, β€œThanks. That means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Futureman16
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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