A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: β€œThanks that means a lot.”

And another:

Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."

The widow replies: β€œThanks that means a great deal.”

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tronkfool
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow β€œdo you mind if I say a word?”

She said go ahead.

I stood up said β€œplethora” and sat back down.

β€œThank you”, the grieving widow responded, β€œit means a lot”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jediwag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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SchrΓΆdinger’s Widow

β€œOpen casket or closed” asked the Funeral Director.

β€œYes” replied SchrΓΆdinger’s Widow.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phlebasuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What do you call two young married spiders?

Newly webs

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Will glass coffins ever be popular?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevjonesin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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A widow is mourning at her husband's grave site. A gentleman walks by and says "If you don't mind, I'd like to say a word."

"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I have a friend who is obsessed with the Scarlett Witch, Captain Marvel, and Black Widow.

I guess you can say he's a heroine addict.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drogers5606
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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My dad is obsessed with Wonder Woman, Catwoman and the Black Widow.

I think he's a heroine addict.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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A widow was at a funeral today, lost her husband.

The funeral director asked, β€œCan I say a quick word?” β€œSure,” replied the widow. β€œThank you,” the funeral director responded, β€œPlethora” β€œThanks, means a lot” replied the widow

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superonkey101
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".

She responded "Thanks that means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcksn_m
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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What did the widow who just buried her fourth husband say?

Another male in the coffin.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Why did the widow join a marathon?

It was her mourning run.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andeleidun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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A man goes to a dear friend's funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.

She says "Go ahead".
He says "Plethora".
She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bad_brazilian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I went fishing in the North of England with Kurt Cobain's widow

And said to her "Cought any love?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/radishfacejake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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My 6 year-old got me this morning listening to "Black Widow" in the car.

Him - Why is it called "Black Widow, Baby"?

Me - Because Black Widows are notorious for killing their husbands.

Him - It should be called "Black Bear Pirate"

Me - Why?

Him - Because they say "You should've known better than to mess with me honey."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapiC-Dog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
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Which Avenger is always in a hurry?

Black Widow-- cause she's Russian

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mark_Septi_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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What does a pregnant widow have?

Mourning sickness

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VexNinja
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Why did the widow shut down the family business?

foreclosure

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Frank-Sriracha-
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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rip
πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra_meme101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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I was talking to a guy at work. The conversation got around to wives, and he said he had been widowed three times. I said "Three wives, all dead and buried?" He said "Yes."

"What happened to the first one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "What happened to the second one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "And the third?" "Fractured skull." "How did that happen?" "She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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Not a joke, but this just happened...

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmbivalentAsshole
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Some meaningful words
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerendaz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Did you hear about the widow who was married to a wall

She just can't get over him

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/craiglives99
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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There was a man that wasn't allowed to fart.

Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.

After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.

When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.

When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:

"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DangerASA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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A rich patient told his doctor that money was no problem: "Please give me some good news." "Okay then," said the physician...

"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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I met the world's tallest vampire the other day.

His name's Count Everest. He rocks a killer widow's peak.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batshit_Betty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
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A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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The story of Kenneth Lamar Noid

The following story is true.

Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.

On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".

Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."

Thank you for your time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salty904
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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I was asked to do a speech at my best friend's wife's funeral.

*goes up on stage*

Me: "Plethora"

*walks off towards widow*
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackthecricketer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.

"May I say a word?"

Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora"

"The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says, β€œMay I just say one word?”

β€œSure,” she replies. β€œPlethora,” the guys says. The widow says, β€œThanks. That means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Futureman16
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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A man asks a widow to say something at her husbands funeral...

She says of course

The man says "plethora"

The widow says "Thanks. That's means a lot"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epmtunes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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Thanks for explaining the word β€œmany” to me.

It means a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alixcamille
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in and asks,

"Mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 530
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoatryder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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The funeral

So there's this funeral, and the widow asks if anyone would like to say anything.

A man stands up and say: "I'd like to say a word."

The widow nods and the man takes the podium.

He says, "Plethora." and goes back to his seat.

The widow says: "Thank you, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toothpik556
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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A man goes to a funeral..

And asks the widow - "mind if I say a word"? The widow says - "yes, please do" The man steps up, clears his throat and exclaims "bargain"! The widow tears up and says "thank you. That means a great deal"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarsee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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A man is at a funeral.

He goes up to the widow and says, β€œI’m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?”

The widow says, β€œYes, go ahead”

The man goes up to the stand and says, β€œPlethora”

The widow then says, β€œThank you, that means a lot”

πŸ‘︎ 272
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Dad at a funeral

Dad approaches a Widow.

Dad: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do."

Dad: "Plethora"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crushnaut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
🚨︎ report

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