...because then I could avada keDABra!!"
(งᵒ̌皿ᵒ̌)ง⁼³₌₃
I said no honey, I said I was into resting.
He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."
#mypunssucc #punnyshit
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
Fiancé: Oh, I didn't realise she was ordering packages.
Me: She must've gone to the bank to get herself a debit card.
Fiancé: Nah, she just went to the neighbours tree.
Me: Huh?
Fiancé: The local branch.
and I was crushed and my world had no purpose, no direction. I wandered through my life Amy-lessly.
‘I have 10 nails but I’d rather not hit them with a hammer.’ -me
She told me it means nothing to her.
I told her it meant one.
I said “a,e,I,o,u and sometimes y that was easy babe.”
The look on her face I’m betting will be the same as when I say this stuff to our future kids.
So, I told her to sit down.
You could say that it didn't workout.
I just hope it isn’t today, because otherwise that’s another thing she’s right about.
Having dinner with fiancé and parents, sausages, mash, vegetables. Delicious.
Fiancé sits down with her dinner, my Dad asks her why she doesn't have broccoli?
Her: "I can't eat it with irritable bowel"
Me: "you should eat it with carrots like the rest of us"
Uncle and Dad laughed, everyone else stopped forks halfway to mouths.
We were discussing a friend of ours who just had a child. We had been discussing future baby names.
Her: If we have a girl what should we name her? Thoughts?
Me: I don't know, Thoughts seems like a weird name to me.
So I'm visiting my dad in Maryland with my fiancé. We're all in the car driving while discussing Altoids.
Dad: "Altoids are delicious!"
Fiancé: "No they're not, they make my stomach hurt. You're wrong."
Dad: "I'm never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was wrong."
Good one, dad.
Me: "I don't know what to get her." Dad: "Get her a musical instrument." Me: "Uh, a musical instrument? She doesn't play anything. Dad: "Get her an upright organ."
She refused to show me a picture of it. So I replied:
http://i.imgur.com/2m6q5uS.png
He was looking in a pond for fishes and found one, but the poor guy was all alone! So my fiancé said, "hey little fishy why are you by yourself?" And I said, "well, there's no school on Sundays"
He just stared at me and shook his head :)
"I won't offend it then"
I think you could hear my eyes rolling.
and I've done a bit of research so I was describing how to begin:
I said, "sit in a comfortable position, pay attention to breathing. Relax your calves, then your thighs, then your feet..."
She said, "hold on, shouldn't we start with feet first then move up to calves, then thighs and so on? Why are you starting with calves?"
I said, "we start with the calves because they're sacred in India."
I replied by saying thats because black absorbs the most heat.
Eye rolling commenced.
I'm constantly dadding my fiancé with bad dad jokes. Recently she's been upping her game.
Driving through the city, the song "With or Without You" comes on the radio.
It starts kind of slow, so I ask "Is this U2?"
Fiancé replies "No."
The song picked up a bit and I quickly realized that it was in fact U2.
Me: "Yeah it is, see?!?"
Fiancé: "I don't sing this song!"
Me: groan
Me: I'll have a cheeseburger, hotdog, 2 tater tots, 1 popcorn and a large soda.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: (turn to fiancé) I dont know, do you want anything?
Her eyes have never rolled so fast.
I was laying down when she came up and asks me, "Could you help me pick up the living room and dining room?"
I looked at her and told her, "I'm not sure I can do that."
She looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "And why us that?"
"Because," I told her, "those are the two heaviest rooms in the house."
Her reply to my pun "I can't even with you... because you're odd!"
Me: Honey, have you seen that Comcast refund check? Her: I ate it Me: Stahp, where is it? Her: Seriously, I ate it. -- I guess you can say I have expensive taste EYEROLLS
Me: Mainly Saturdays and Sundays
Watching COPS. Cop says "someone's getting assault." Fiancé looks me right in the eye and says "notice how they gave him assault but not a pepper?"
We were walking around the lights section and she ran off, grabbed a light shade with owls on it and said "oh my god I love this one...it's a hoot!!" I think she's a keeper guys.
I told her she can feel auntsy when we have a niece or nephew. I could tell she liked it by the 😒😒😒 she texted me back with.
Fiancé and I are walking down the stairs when I say something silly and she hits me.
Me: ASSAULT!
She stops in the middle of the staircase and throws back her head in a disgusted sigh...
Her: Go ahead... Say it...
Me: A PEPPER!!!
Edit: was supposed to be "Dad Joked".. Somehow it autocorrected to "Dada"...
While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.
To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"
But I couldn't (Scott) Stapp myself.
Take away her blanket.
I may have laughed a bit too hard
Aunt: What is Sporty Spice's name?
Me (without hesitation): Sporty Spice. DUHHHH.
She was a little bitter because I had a cocktail and she can't because she's pregnant. She asked me what it was.
Me: "It's bourbon, ginger beer and lime. It's called a Kentucky Mule."
Her: "Does it taste like ASS?!?!?"
My lady was telling me a story in which she stained some clothing. She said that she 'shouted' it. I responded that some type of cleaner would probably work better than shouting at it.
If you don't know there is a laundry pretreat called Shout. http://www.shoutitout.com
