"What happened to the first one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "What happened to the second one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "And the third?" "Fractured skull." "How did that happen?" "She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a lot.”
And another:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a great deal.”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
“Open casket or closed” asked the Funeral Director.
“Yes” replied Schrödinger’s Widow.
Newly webs
"That would be nice" she said. "Plethora"..... "Thanks, that means a lot."
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
I guess you can say he's a heroine addict.
I think he's a heroine addict.
The funeral director asked, “Can I say a quick word?” “Sure,” replied the widow. “Thank you,” the funeral director responded, “Plethora” “Thanks, means a lot” replied the widow
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
Another male in the coffin.
It was her mourning run.
She says "Go ahead".
He says "Plethora".
She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
And said to her "Cought any love?"
Him - Why is it called "Black Widow, Baby"?
Me - Because Black Widows are notorious for killing their husbands.
Him - It should be called "Black Bear Pirate"
Me - Why?
Him - Because they say "You should've known better than to mess with me honey."
Black Widow-- cause she's Russian
foreclosure
Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:
Wife: "Are you going to make it?"
Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"
Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"
Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough
Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"
My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.
It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.
"That means a lot."
She just can't get over him
Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.
After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.
When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.
When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:
"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"
The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.
But I am So. Stuck.
A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...
I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.
Thank you in advance! 🍔
Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, “The items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.
20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.
The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.
The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.
Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.
There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.
One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.
So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of
♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah. ♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬
"But I'll have to tell that to your widow."
His name's Count Everest. He rocks a killer widow's peak.
The following story is true.
Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.
On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".
Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."
Thank you for your time.
*goes up on stage*
Me: "Plethora"
*walks off towards widow*
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
"May I say a word?"
Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora"
"The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."
“Sure,” she replies. “Plethora,” the guys says. The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
She says of course
The man says "plethora"
The widow says "Thanks. That's means a lot"
It means a lot.
"Mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead," the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."
So there's this funeral, and the widow asks if anyone would like to say anything.
A man stands up and say: "I'd like to say a word."
The widow nods and the man takes the podium.
He says, "Plethora." and goes back to his seat.
The widow says: "Thank you, that means a lot."
And asks the widow - "mind if I say a word"? The widow says - "yes, please do" The man steps up, clears his throat and exclaims "bargain"! The widow tears up and says "thank you. That means a great deal"
.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
He goes up to the widow and says, “I’m so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?”
The widow says, “Yes, go ahead”
The man goes up to the stand and says, “Plethora”
The widow then says, “Thank you, that means a lot”
Dad approaches a Widow.
Dad: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Dad: "Plethora"
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
Black Widow. Shes Russian.
