My partner was always criticising my sense of direction...

So I packed up and right

πŸ‘︎ 840
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
If a bisexual doesn't have a partner

Are they a standbi?

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.

She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
My partner and I watched Interstellar last night. She said the movie was over her head.

I replied, "Of course it's over your head! It's in space!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
I told my partner I think our kid is spoiled.

She said it's not a problem. A lot of kids smell that way.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
What is the only attack a partner would know?

A side-kick

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/riley0881
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.

It was a stoop end this situation

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....

β€œHey can you hear my back crack”

I replied β€œyea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man

Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaccyBuegs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,

on Sonday.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skilldan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
Why do sea medusas make the worst romantic partners?

'cause they're always jelly!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hurtkopain
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
so my drummer friend and her partner just had triplets. Girls. Their names?

Anna One, Anna Two, Anna 1-2-3.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.

After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.

He'd been despatched.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmoBM
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
A mime is the perfect partner in crime

They'll never say a word

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lilbob628
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
Why was the bean upset with his partner's gift to him?

She gave him her peas.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him

UB40

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TL4Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the Mandalorian's partner?

Co-Mando.

(Credit to my girlfriend)

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoretrooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m always Frank with my sexual partners

I don’t want them to know my real name.

πŸ‘︎ 194
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yomamascub
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the kidnapper say to his partner?

Hi-Jack

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ziad4826
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Just a silly joke I made up to my partner

How do you say thanks in fish?

Thanksalotyl

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/camocase
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I truly am a monster. My partner is a nurse for context.
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Salamirelish
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My partner said that I looked constipated in our pictures

I was tryna hold my shit together

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wadesman26
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he's had

He started counting but fell asleep.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrcharlesboyle
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?

They’re pair-a-medics

πŸ‘︎ 290
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skeewbsontwitch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a crush on my science lab partner, then she left the school

I lost My Chemical Romance

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Business partner 1:Hey have you signed yet?

Business partner 2: Yes in deed

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My partner is having a bad day at work, so I thought I would draw his favorite animal with a cute note.
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cjmeoow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I met my partner after we both reached for the same rifle scope.

You know what they say, love at first sight.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my partner some money and told her to go buy coffee

She said, "Fair trade."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When your partner's name is Martin
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarahsaurus1993
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I am currently writing an introduction to a novel about a young man trying to find his former partner.

I guess it's an ex-position.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moonxmochi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rezikmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My sexual partner got run over by a road roller

Now she’s my flat-mate.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
John was gay and he killed his partner. What was he charged with?

Culpable Homo-cide.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vtshll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My favourite thing to do when my little girl and partner are in my car.

Whenever I have to reverse I always do so slowly, let out a nostalgic sigh and say: "ahhh, this takes me back."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MouldyPingu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
You know why you should be my partner in the marijuana businesses?

Because you know I won’t smoke up all the profits.

Recreational marijuana was just legalized here in the state of Michigan, so my dad just had to make a joke. πŸ™„

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchyRs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A Woman Gives Birth While Enduring Constant Puns From Her Partner youtube.com/watch?v=Dgc6R…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bleedingrobot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
So long, partner.
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonlanderson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbour lends people money, but refuses to take on partners or associates.

He's a lone-wolf loan-shark.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LonestarSurvivor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been throwing bear puns at my partner all day but finally had to stop

They were going into Kodiak arrest

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Giftzahn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
(true story) My partner had a scratch on his face

I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"

He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."

I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"

He said, "Nope, I feel fine."

And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."

He still gets mad about when I bring it up.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-ifeelfantastic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The sweetest thing you can do for your partner is lose a tennis match to them by not scoring a single point.

That’s love.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?

He had a very esteemed colleague.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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