Hubby Puns

Had bought 6yo new shoes. They were still tied together with elastic. He brings them out the next morning to the kitchen

6yo: Dad, can you cut these apart so I can wear them? Hubby: Hang on, I'm just making a sandwich. I'm hungry. 6yo: Hi Hungry, I'm (6yo). OOOOHHHHHH DAD JOKE! I GOT YOU!!!

Our boy loves dad jokes!

I guess he is going to "B***end*** it like Beckham!"

Me: I really want to learn how to poach eggs.

Hubby: isn't that illegal?

Ha. Ha.

Hubby: We should put the TV on the floor.

Me: Why?

Hubby: So you can watch Friends in low places!

He was so proud...

We've been sleeping with a humidifier because, between the winter and the pregnancy, my skin feels incredibly dry. This morning, I told hubby I didn't think the humidifier was working well because I still felt mummified.

Hubby: You are. pokes me in the belly You're "mommy-fied."

He then walked away chortling.

God help this child...and me. :)

“I’ve tea’d myself!”

Proud hubby here!

(Background: at this point in time my family had chickens on the property and my husband liked them.)

Husband: *playing with chickens*

Me: Honey, how many times do I have to tell you to not play with your food? *smiles sheepishly*

Husband: (hubby.exe processing) we are so getting married.

So, I don't have a cell phone, I'm a luddite, so I had him take a picture of my tattoo because /u/AlbinoAlex asked for a pic, told the hubby to email it to me. It didn't arrive quickly, so I told him to send it again. I received the email about 4 minutes later and he asked me, "What was the email titled?" I said, "Tat" he then said, "That was the first email then, as the second one I titled "Tat2" ".

SOOO much laughter from both ends. What a Dad joke!!!

Text Dad "Ill be late coming back from lunch, taking (daughters name) for shots" He responds "don't you think she's too young to be doing shots?"

It would be called the Hubby Telescope.

I rode down to the beach today with my son, my husband, and my husband's best friend. We drove past a cemetery when ny hubby said "I can't be buried in that cemetery." I asked him why not, and he told me "because I'm not dead." Many sighs were had.

Me and the hubby were doing some gardening and I said to him "we need a wood stake" (so we could stabilize a tomato plant) and he replied "first we gotta find a wooden cow"...good thing ur cute babe :)

We don't have any kids yet, though my husband - I believe, is prepared. It was after dinner he had this seafood concoction that contained rice, chicken, shrimp, and mussels. Anyway, he was super full afterwards and pushing hid belly out. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Full huh?

Hubby: yeah, (points to stomach) the shrimp is here, chicken here and rice here.

Me: What about the oysters (I don't eat seafood, please don't hate me)

Hubby: You mean mussels? (Proceeds to flex) All over!

Edit: hopefully spacing-posting on my phone.

Her hubby had a reptile dysfunction.

I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."

Hubby became a father a year and a half ago but that made him a dad.

My daughter was straightening up a pile of stuff in the kitchen, and picked up a small blue empty decorative box. "What's this?" she asked.

Ever the dad, of course I answered, "It's a box..."

She rolled her eyes and said, "No, Dad, what's it from?" But it didn't end there.

She handed the box to me and I started speculating that it looked about the size of box for a watch. Then Mom said she thought it was from a necklace I had given her for Mother's Day.

Just to be clear, Mom had sent me an e-mail "hint" in the form of a link to order the necklace, so being a dutiful hubby, I ordered it. She caught the package in the mail as soon as it arrived and opened it right away, several days before Mother's Day. So I had never even seen the box. No wonder I couldn't identify it. Just saying.

Meanwhile I was turning the box over in my hand and noticed a little gold sticker on a corner of the box. I handed the box back to my daughter and said, "Here, read the sticker."

She took the box back and looked at the sticker. It said, "BOX, Made in China."

I said, "See? I was right." She threw the box at me.

Being retired, my spouse often loses track of time, days and dates. I reminded hubby that we would lose an hour tonight. The response - "I lose days at a time, an hour ain't nothing."

Running an errand Sunday afternoon:

Me: Oh, we need to hit the liquor store while we're out! Hubby: But it's Sunday, dear. Me: Goddammit Hubby: Yes, so they say.