Me: Oh yeah? What kind of animal?
Her: Hmmm...like a bear.
Me: Sooo I'm a polar bear?
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
We couldn't settle between two of them. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one.
So, I told her, "Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
"Have you seen him? He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him." "No, sorry man." "Bummer... Yeah I've gotta catch Amal."
My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one.
I told her: No, it's growing on me
It was a fun knee moment.
Fiance: You just got snew all over the place.
Me: ...
Me: ... What the hell is "snew"?
Fiance: grinning like an idiot Nothing. What snew with you??
Pay Alimony.
We were just on the couch watching an episode of "Planet Earth" and during a scene about animals in rivers, she asks me,
"What's the difference an alligator and a crocodile?" in all earnest.
Immediately I replied, "one you see later, and the other you see in a while."
I got the DIRTIEST look after it took a second for the joke to hit home.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
She broke it off.
Any suggestions?
Me: I wonder why it never played basketball....
Fiance: "For 4.50 Euros I got fries, a large drink and a long chicken"
Me: "That's called a goose"
He told me to leave.
She was originally going to school for radiography but has changed her mind and decided to go a different route
Her: "I'm going to major in Kinesiology."
Me: "What's that?"
Her: "It's the study of the human body with relation to movement and fitness."
Me: "That sounds neat. What do you already know about it?"
Her: "Next to nothing. But I also don't know Chemistry. Well, except for the basics."
Me: "What about the acids?"
Me: "Hey do you want to know why they say you should drive with your hands on the wheel at 10 and 2?"
Him: "Well, you should have your hands on the wheel at all times of the day"
Her: "I don't know, can I pull off a vest?"
Me: "Once you unzip it, it shouldnt be too much trouble."
We both switched to a keto diet and she was complaining about her coffee tasting gross without sugar. I suggested that she put some anise in it to make it 'Moroccan style'. Her response was:
It would have been a-nise cup of coffee then.
She has gone full dad mode.
Me: If we go in December, we should take an extra day to check out the cow pastures. Her: Cow pastures? Me: Yeah. In the winter, they have a lot of cool shit. Her: sigh
I told her "I like trees as well but you don't see me going on about it"
Brother: let me try that strawberry lemonade Takes sip and makes an awful face cause it was sour Yeah that is not my cup of tea.
Her: that's because it's strawberry lemonade.
I had to step out because I was laughing too hard.
Went to dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant with my fiance and ordered a taco, burrito, and enchilada combo plate. When the food came I asked her,
"Is it just me, or does this seem bigger than an inch?"
(Her) "What do you mean?".
(Me) "Well it's call an 'Inch-a-lota'....".
Needless to say her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she sighed the ultimate sigh of dad-joke disappointment.
So I am building a stone retaining wall at my house after work yesterday. Been at it for about an hour and a half before my fiance gets home from her job. She stops on the porch, looks at me, and just says, 'You Rockstar!' I couldn't help but smile. PS, I then had to tell her about this subreddit...
I said it was nice but it was a little Spartan inside.
He runs ahead of me, stops, turns around, and stands there waiting for me to catch up.
"I just got a great preview...of you walking down the aisle to me."
Gonna make a great dad someday.
Me: Hey honey, I really want to go see 'It' at the theaters this week.
Fiance: I really wanna see It too!
Me: See what?
Fiance: It
Me: Huh?
Fiance: Oh shut up rolls eyes
Me: So I read part of this article today abou...
Her: I believe that's called a particle?
*cue groans from her brother and I
I told her that cake duty doesn't come till after I eat the cake.
Her: Hey it's Snowden!
Me: That's impossible. It's hot outside!
She had come home with a bag of groceries and in it was a bunch of broccoli tied together with some yellow rubber tape. It kind of looked like a crime scene when she laid it on the counter. So I asked her, "Did you hear from the eyewitness that saw this broccoli murder?" She said No. So I say, "One guy saw two other broccoli gangsters roll up and shoot the guy. Then they both jumped in their car and the gangster told his driver to floret
So bad, but it got her good.
We're getting married in less than 2 weeks and I was cutting out paper hearts for our flower girl to throw. The hearts are made out of music paper and newspaper (representing the careers we're in).
Once we had finished cutting, the fiance picks up a newspaper we had cut some hearts out of and examines it closely.
He turns to me and very seriously says, "You know, this story has a lot of holes in it."
Cue groan and begrudging chuckle. I think I picked a keeper.
While pulling into the spot he exclaims, "I'm turning into a parking spot!" After he parks the car he looks at me and says with a straight face, "Don't worry, I'll turn back into me later."
I saw this on /r/aww and posted it on FB:
http://i.imgur.com/hbiU3wG.jpg
My fiance commented and said "OMG, I want to do that!"
I replied "I suppose I can build you an enclosure, but having you separated from the rest of us might confuse the kids..."
A receding hareline
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They're making headline everywhere!
I hit her with my pillow.
Laying in bed tonight, talking about wedding stuff and marriage stuff and family stuff. Kids and names comes up.
Fiance: If we have a girl, we should name her Tissa.
Me: Why? That's a weird name.
Fiance: Because when our other child has a kid, she'd be Aunt Tissa.
Me: ... ...
Me: ...
Me: Pation...
She's playing the long game on that one, she is.
asking if my fiance and I were still going to a concert that night:
Him: Are you guys going out? Me: actually, we're engaged
Her: "you're so handsome." and then grabbed my hand and said "your hands look so nice."
Without missing a beat I looked at her and said:
"oh, I see now. You only think I'm HAND-some."
Got a good eye roll out of her!
and he told me it was stupid. He was right and I falafel about it.
(Original joke was "You know how I feel after I eat middle eastern food? I falafel." He was not amused and just shook his head at me.)
Me: Do places like that need a license to operate?
Her: Yeah, why?
Me: So you'll be getting an o-facial facial?
We had a long day at class and I had to do some things for a project late at night and she was helping me even though she didn't need to.
Her: "I'm the best fiance and don't say I'm not."
Me: "I'm not."
Her: "I'm going to bed...."
She brought home a bag of "Fortune cookie mistakes", where they're all flat or broken. She hands me one and I say, "oh, it doesn't have a fortune!"
She replies, "yeah, it's unfortunate."
I had to give her a high five for that one.
My fiance was telling me about her best friend's wedding planning:
Fiancee: So I was talking to my friend about her wedding and she's finally picked a date-
Me (interrupting): Wait, isn't she the one getting married?
Fiancee (slightly confused): ...yeah...
Me: So why is she bringing a date?
Fiancee: ...
