There was a detour to get to an overlook to see a waterfall. When we reached the overlook, there was thick shrubbery in front of us blocking the view of the waterfall.
Fiancée: Ugh, I can hear the falls but I can't see it.
Me: I guess it wasn't an overlook, it was an overhear.
Talking about our dog, Baxter, who is deaf, a little clumsy, and a big goofball
Her: You know, maybe he does have some neurological issues.
Me: Maybe. But we wouldn’t know for sure unless we get a CAT-scan, and we’re too poor for that.
Her: Well, in this case it would be a DOG-scan, right?
Cantalope
I wrote back, “Shore.”
I said “I was just trying to make a point”.
Sounded like she enjoyed her ménage à froid.
Her: To what?
Me: I don’t know yet
Her: That sounds nice. What nationality is that?
Me: "Hmm, I wish I could pull off her short hair, I never could"
Him: "Aw, I'm sure you could. I'll hold her down while you yank it out"
Didn't see that coming.
Edit: thanks guys I didn't realise fiance/e has genders.
Yesterday, we went mattress shopping and ended up buying the second or third bed we laid on. In the car on the way back, I told her "That could have been a hasty decision, we should have slept on it first."
Her - "When we get married, can we honeymoon in Iceland?"
Me - "Sure."
Her - "And we can have a party in a fjord?"
Me - "We'd have a Fjord Fiesta."
Her - "Goddammit."
I'm getting an early start on this dad jokes thing.
So my fiancée came home from work earlier this week, clearly upset. I asked what was wrong and she went on to tell me about how she accidentally ran over a duck.
In an attempt to comfort her, my compassionate and empathetic self responds with, "well I guess it's safe to say the duck suffered from a quacked skull huh?"
She was not amused.
We were walking and eating a quick pre-workout snack when she said "well I guess that nut goes to the birds then" because she dropped a cashew she was about to eat.
I looked at her and asked "so would you call that a cashew-alty?"
She rolled her eyes and kept while I had to stop from laughing to much.
I got the all you can eat salad bar and got her some olives.
When I went back, I got her some additional olives.
She looked at them and said "are you trying to olive me to death?"
I replied "yes because olive you very much."
We were driving by a vacant building that used to be a McDonald's. It's been vacant a few months and now there's a big "For Lease" sign on the property.
Her: "Looks like they're having trouble renting the McDonald's."
Me: "Yeah, I heard they had to hire a big realty company."
Her: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah. Old McDonald's has a firm."
The wedding is still on.
We were walking past the produce and she looks at me and says:
Fiancée: What do you want, apples or oranges? Me: It's hard to choose, they don't really compare.
She rolled her eyes, but I heard the guy next to me chuckle.
I greeted everyone like this:
"We thank you for all your presence here today. We especially thank you for all of your presents here today."
My fiancée groaned, my mom sighed, and I got blank stares from all of the women, but the men- the men all chuckled!
Well, it's either going to go to waste or go to waist.
Her aunt was looking for a toothbrush, she walks into the living room.
her: "has anyone seen a Frozen toothbrush?"
me: "yeah, but I let it go"
everyone: "groans"
So I told her, "that's perfect since you're so winey!"
She didn't appreciate it as much as I did.
Trying to open a condom but the wrapper wouldn't tear, "man, they really childproof these things, huh?"
Because you have a porpoise in life.
As she was doing her makeup in the car, she was looking around for something she lost.
Me: Did you lose your eyelash brush?
Her: Eyelash brush? That's not a thing.
Me: Sorry, eyelash comb.
Her: No! That's not a thing either!
Me: Hey now, there's no reason to lash out at me...
Her: glares
We were looking for twine or something in the yarn section and this dad walks by with his two daughters, gives a huge yawn, and says, "WOW! That was a huge yarn" and then began to start chuckling uncontrollably.
" Did you know that Chiropractor is the most prevalent profession in Ukraine?"
"Hmm, I had no idea"
"Yeah, it's 'cause when you live there you crane your neck a lot"
eye roll
We're talking about actors and he goes "hear about that poor actress who was recently stabbed in NY?....Reese....Reese...." Stupidly I reply "Witherspoon!?"
He happily proclaims: "No! With a Knife!"
Yell embarrassingly loudly, "HELLO FROM THE OTHER SLIIIIIIIIIIDE!"
"Is that an abandoned adhesive factory?"
"Looks like they didn't stick around long!"
Unlike most of my jokes, she laughed pretty hard and I was more than a little proud of myself.
My fiancée is a graduate student. The cat likes to whine until she's picked up. As my fiancée was studying, the cat jumped up onto her desk.
Her (to the cat): "If you come over here, you're going to get held."
Me: "No, you're playing into her hand!"
Her: "She doesn't have any hands."
I must say, I'm a bit proud.
Me: "Hey, have you guys heard of that new rapping toast?"
Them: "No, who?"
Me: "He crumbles under pressure and calls himself Ludacrust."
Them: Collective groans.
Fiancée: "You are way too proud of yourself."
We were talking about her parents and younger sister who are in Disney world and she said "They are bringing me something frozen from Disney!" I turned to look at her and said "But won't it thaw out before it gets here?"
Me: Then we should go to egypt posthaste! She:Why? Me: They have the best cairopractors! She: groan...
