An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
A couple of days ago, the government was overthrown by the military. Today, i moved my henhouse far away
When my wife asked me why i did it, i told her we were experiencing a coop detached
A couple went on a date.
Girl: I like this place. How would you rate the vibe here?
*Guy starts leaving*
Girl: What happened?
Guy: You made it clear that you don't need a guy. You need just a vibe-rater.
Why did the farmer choose not to shoot a couple of fawns?
To him, they were just too dear.
A couple of coffee beans were having a comedy show, just between friends...
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
Why did Mr and Mrs Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because thier marriage was the rocks.
How do stoner couples file their taxes?
Couples Tennis is a joint effort
A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.
After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.
"What year?" asked the waiter.
the husband said
A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?
What is the name of farm owned by a vegan lesbian couple?
I picked up a couple of orchids at the grocery store
Now I know all about plant parenthood
A couple was in the forest painting words on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have meaningful dye-a-log.
I just watched a horror movie where an old couple is chased around by probiotic yogurt.
It was called Paranormal Activia.
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
Just remembered a classic my brother-in-law dropped after my niece was born (A couple months ago)
My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby
I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"
Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.
BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!
Old but gold
A couple were doing their work on the same table.
The husband picked up a highlighter pen and asked his wife what it was.
"A highlighter pen", said the wife.
"And what is it used for?"
"To mark important thing", the wife answered.
Then the husband drew a huge line on her forehead.
Not the best joke ever but I just came up with it and felt you could do it to your significant other.
A cousin of mine posted a couple of jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted them.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed]
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...
Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
I hate it when a couple start having an argument right in front of me.
They could have at least waited until I got dressed and left.
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
A couple gets exposed to radiation at Chernobyl, call that a toxic relationship
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
What do you call a gay couple from Alabama?
A detective couple adopts a teenager who turns out to be a pyromaniac.
After spending a few days at a detective convention, they come home to find their house burned to the ground.
"What do you think caused this?" One asked the other.
The other just sighed and replied "It was most likely ourson (arson)."
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Why don't some couple go to gym ?
Because some relationship does not workout.
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...
then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
If you think 2020 was bad, just wait a couple of years.
Because 2022 is 2020 too.
I met up with a couple mushrooms the other day
They where some pretty fun-gis
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
I sold a couple ducks today
A couple of cows were smokin’ a joint and playin’ cards...
...that’s right, the steaks were pretty high.
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker
That's right!! The steaks were pretty high.