An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband βIβve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?β
The husband says βChange the battery in your hearing aid.β
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︎ Jun 04 2021
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
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︎ Jun 03 2021
A couple of days ago, the government was overthrown by the military. Today, i moved my henhouse far away
When my wife asked me why i did it, i told her we were experiencing a coop detached
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︎ Jun 04 2021
A couple went on a date.
Girl: I like this place. How would you rate the vibe here?
*Guy starts leaving*
Girl: What happened?
Guy: You made it clear that you don't need a guy. You need just a vibe-rater.
π︎ 11
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︎ May 20 2021
Why did the farmer choose not to shoot a couple of fawns?
To him, they were just too dear.
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︎ May 17 2021
A couple of coffee beans were having a comedy show, just between friends...
π︎ 11
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︎ May 04 2021
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
βYou wouldnβt get it, itβs Norse codeβ
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︎ Mar 28 2021
Why did Mr and Mrs Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because thier marriage was the rocks.
π︎ 40
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︎ Apr 13 2021
How do stoner couples file their taxes?
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︎ May 21 2021
Couples Tennis is a joint effort
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︎ May 30 2021
A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.
After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.
"What year?" asked the waiter.
"Right now!"
the husband said
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︎ May 25 2021
A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?
π︎ 7
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︎ May 19 2021
What is the name of farm owned by a vegan lesbian couple?
π︎ 5
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︎ May 09 2021
I picked up a couple of orchids at the grocery store
Now I know all about plant parenthood
π︎ 4
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︎ May 15 2021
A couple fight
π︎ 30
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︎ Apr 06 2021
A couple was in the forest painting words on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellorβs orders to have meaningful dye-a-log.
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︎ May 16 2021
I just watched a horror movie where an old couple is chased around by probiotic yogurt.
It was called Paranormal Activia.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."
She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".
I told her because it's two almonds.
You might even say.....
Almond Brothers.
(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 05 2021
Just remembered a classic my brother-in-law dropped after my niece was born (A couple months ago)
My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby
I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"
Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.
BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!
Old but gold
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 28 2021
A couple were doing their work on the same table.
The husband picked up a highlighter pen and asked his wife what it was.
"A highlighter pen", said the wife.
"And what is it used for?"
"To mark important thing", the wife answered.
Then the husband drew a huge line on her forehead.
Not the best joke ever but I just came up with it and felt you could do it to your significant other.
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︎ May 05 2021
A cousin of mine posted a couple of jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted them.
Heβs my cousin, twice [removed]
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I was walking past a field and saw a couple of guys stealing the steps off a fence.
A lady came up to me and said 'Aren't you going to stop them?'
I said 'No. That's not my stile.'
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 16 2021
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards.
That's right. The steaks were pretty high.
π︎ 60
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...
Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.
π︎ 28
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︎ Apr 01 2021
A couple days ago I went for a walk beside a pasture and seen a lone cow when I went again today he wasn't there
I guess he got a promotion for being the only one outstanding in his field
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I hate it when a couple start having an argument right in front of me.
They could have at least waited until I got dressed and left.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 21 2021
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
A couple gets exposed to radiation at Chernobyl, call that a toxic relationship
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 16 2021
I once watched a couple of cows smoke weed and play poker
I guess the steaks were pretty high
π︎ 61
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 26 2021
What do you call a gay couple from Alabama?
π︎ 462
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︎ Oct 23 2020
A detective couple adopts a teenager who turns out to be a pyromaniac.
After spending a few days at a detective convention, they come home to find their house burned to the ground.
"What do you think caused this?" One asked the other.
The other just sighed and replied "It was most likely ourson (arson)."
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 26 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Why don't some couple go to gym ?
Because some relationship does not workout.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 01 2021
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...
then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 25 2021
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 13 2021
If you think 2020 was bad, just wait a couple of years.
Because 2022 is 2020 too.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I met up with a couple mushrooms the other day
They where some pretty fun-gis
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︎ Jan 15 2021
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I sold a couple ducks today
π︎ 63
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︎ Oct 18 2020
A couple of cows were smokinβ a joint and playinβ cards...
...thatβs right, the steaks were pretty high.
π︎ 35
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︎ Mar 06 2021
A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing poker
That's right!! The steaks were pretty high.
π︎ 14
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︎ Mar 04 2021
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