Couple Food Puns

Cold turkey.

The man orders a Big Mac and a large fries. His wife orders a single cheeseburger. When the woman finishes her burger she glances at her husband. He has finished his burger and is moving onto the fries.

Still hungry, she looks at the fries and asks, 'Do you mind if I have a couple?'

He sighs and says, 'I suppose so,'

So she reaches over and takes a handful. The husband turns to her and asks, 'Is that a German couple?'

Confused, she responds, 'What is a German couple?'

He says, 'nein' as he slides his food out of her reach.

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his “promposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

At the ball were many important people, well above the setup’s class. There was Original Content, Reposts, and even a couple from Google Searches for ‘Dad Jokes Nobody Knows’.

Just seeing them made his mouth dry, so he began looking for something to drink. He knew his friend Joke was there somewhere, part of the crew catering the food and drinks. Seeing a server carrying glasses of champagne, he went up to him and asked,

“Would you know where to find the one they call the Joke? He’s supposed to be running drinks I think,”

“Yeah! For sure. He’s right over there! You’ll find him at the end of the punch line,”

http://imgur.com/a/j9cGL?gallery

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.

I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.

That leaves me on the street.

I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.

I need support. I can't continue on like this.

Life's not easy.

Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.

I was at work today speaking with a few of my coworkers when we start talking about lunch. Two of my coworkers start talking about fast food restaurants they like going to when:

CW: I try not to eat fast food, but I really can’t help myself sometimes!

Me: I try to eat the slowest food possible, which is why I exclusively eat Tortoises.

CW: Well, all of—

It took them a couple seconds, but when they all looked at me with that “oh my gosh, you said what?” look, it made it all worth it.

So last night we were at a carnival type thing and there was a food truck there called "town name Bite Me" where we ordered some pizza.

Anyway, I pretended I couldn't see the sign and asked her what it said. She just responded with "Bite me", so that is exactly what I did. I was awarded a couple of weird looks and a colossal eye roll.

Cut to this morning: I got up to find my better half talking to my mum. She was eating some leftover pizza while I walked up behind her, unnoticed. Mum asked where we got the pizza. Once again, she replied "bite me" so like a lion I went for the kill. I got dealt some swift justice for that one.

This happened a couple months ago, over the summer.

My family was sitting together for dinner, and part of our meal consisted of spring rolls. My little cousin was taking too long to eat, pushing food around her plate, so my dad turns to her and says "you better finish those spring rolls before fall comes."

And then he looked around at everyone with a huge grin to see who was laughing. Oh dad, gotta love you.

Early morning at the hotel getting ready to go the Magic Kingdom, I'm taking my 6 year old to the food court, my wife asks my mom to watch our 2 year old so she can "jump in the shower"

Mom - "I wouldn't jump, there is no mat in there, probably safer to stand." And goes back to drinking her coffee....

I cried a couple tears of joy...

I'm a server at a local restaurant. A couple came in and both of them ordered fish and chips. As I'm bringing it out to them, the wife says, "Holy mackerel, that's a lot of food!" I responded with, "Actually, we use cod instead, but it's delicious nonetheless." They didn't realize what happened until I scurried away giggling.

My family came back home from eating chinese and then my dad got back home from work a couple of hours later. That's when my mom says "We went to eat chinese, but I didn't really eat right. I wasn't really having the feeling for it at the time. I only ate a few plates" that's when my dad drops "That's why you couldn't eat right. You're supposed to eat the food, not the plates!"

My groan was heard past Andromeda and will be talked about for generations to come.

Our eldest son is not a very enthusiastic eater. He picks at his food and ends up usually not eating much, to the frustration of his parents. Anyhow, it was the usual tonight and I got a little frustrated. I gave a Dad-head turn coupled with a Dad-glare; sternly told him a Dad-reason to eat more; and topped it off with a Dad-joke...

"Don't balk at eating your chicken!" He laughed and took a bite.

Working as a waiter, I have a couple of wonderful/awful/wonderfully awful jokes when customers place an order. For example...

"Can I please have the rabbit pasta?"

"Oh I'm not sure I'd recommend that, there have been numerous complaints about a hare in their food."

And for the steaks...

"How would you like that cooked?"

"Well done."

"Thanks, but I'm just doing my job."

I either get laughs, confused looks or groans; most of the time I get a combination of the three. But since I'm childless (19 seems a tad young) I have to get my dad jokes out somehow.

Was at food truck event this evening. After getting our food we sat at a table with a couple we meet while in line. My wife and the other lady were talking. The lady asks my wife a question but she had just taken a bite of grilled octopus. I know the answer so I chime in. I then apologize for my wife stating she was pre-octo-pied and could not answer for herself.

I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.

Friend 1: "Sarah"

Friend 2: "Shawn"

Future dad: "Sam"

Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)

Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.

Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.

Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?

Last week my wife fractured her tibia while we were on vacation. She is now in a boot up to her knee and confined to a wheelchair for a couple weeks as she can't put any weight on it.

Yesterday, we were having lunch at a fast food restaurant and she asked me to get her some ketchup. I looked right at her and said, "Why? Is your leg broken?"

Me: Hey dad can you pass the [food]?

Dad: Maybe in a couple of hours!

I'm an audio engineer and I do a lot of bass-heavy stuff like trap and a couple older-style rap groups. With that in mind, my dad decided I needed a pair of 12-inch subs and an amp for my car. You know, to fill out the bottom end a little.

So, the day of my birthday, I was in town at my parents' house. He told me to get in the car with him and we start driving. I ask him where we're going but he tells me it's a surprise.

We roll into the parking lot of Subway. He had already ordered ahead and told me to wait in the car for my food. He brought out two 12-inch subs... and an Amp energy drink. My dad, folks.

So a couple guys and I went out to the local sandwich shop the other day, and when I get my sandwich there's some small but noticeable mold on the bread. I go back in to let them know about it and they make me another sandwich. I've got two sandwiches now and figure a bit of mold won't kill me. But it's a lot of food so I give half to my friend.

Then I say, "Hey, I just ate half my sandwich, and I've still got a whole one."

So my friend replies, "Well, I guess you can half your sandwich and eat it, too!"