My mate broke his leg, so I wrote "You are stupid" on his cast.
I was just adding insult to injury.
Mate died today by falling into a vat of coffee!
My mate
An old friend of mine decided one day that he would have a go a keeping chickens. So he bought a hen house and his first chicken along with very handsome Cockerell Three weeks later his chicken had laid a clutch of eggs and the old hatched out successfully but one little chick just kept growing and growing. He took it to the vet who assured him that although rare for that particular breed there was nothing to worry about After two years this chicken was five foot nine and weighed in at ten stone three pounds. So my mate had what he thought was a brilliant idea. He hitched the chicken to the front of his car and decided he would train the chicken to pull him in the car. This went on for about a month and my mate had saved a fortune in petrol costs. Then one day as he was travelling to work the hitching rope snapped and the chicken was away up the motorway never to be seen again. My mate was distraught and stuck in the middle lane. The police eventually came out and said "What's the problem Sir?". My mate, by now in floods of tears because of his loss said "My big hens gone!"
So my mate was at a fancy dress party dressed as a bank vault.
I said: ''I thought you were coming dressed as an apology?''
He said: 'Well, I thought I'd better be safe than sorry''.
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
My mates and I are in a band called "Duvet".
Mate's butler
My mate as a butler who lost his left arm in prank gone wrong.
Serves him right.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk
What is it called when a Samsung and an Apple mate?
A sample
(Actual joke from my Dad)
My mates got cross with me for going on and on about how fun it is to drive stick. They suggested changing the subject.
I told them that I would shift as best I could...
Millipedes are very picky when choosing a mate.
They'll never date anyone under 7 feet.
Mate: Aye, the cannons be ready, Cap'n!
Captain: *are
Text adaptation of this
I wish this was my joke.
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary...
He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
I thought that I finally met my sowl mate...
But she said I was too boar-ing.
Naah mate, just my pHocus is changed now
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
My mate told me he is in love with two school bags
The main purpose of the call-response hooting that many owls engage in is to find and attract a potential mate.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate?
My mate tried to tell me Mufasa was a Hyena...
My mate Iain...
My mate Iain has one eye bigger than the other.
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...
Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
My mate hates it when....
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars into different wrappers...
It's gets his Snickers in a Twix
I saw my mate earlier in town. He only has one arm.
"Where are you off to?" I shouted.
"To change a light bulb" he said.
"Erm, isn't that going to be difficult?" I said.
"Naah", he said. "I still have the receipt."
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
My mates were thinking of alternative names for shampoo.
My mate David had his ID stolen...
My mate tiled my roof for me.
When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
Do Australians really say mate that often?
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
My mate composes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, sew it seams.
Womb-mates is an acceptable term for twins
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
How did the moose pick his next mate?
A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.
Mate: where you getting all these jokes from?
Me: Reddit
Mate: I know you read it, but where?
My Caribbean mate never seems too bothered when we arrange to meet up;
I think he might be from the 'K Man' islands
What do you get when two lizards can’t mate?
My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing.
Why do lions only mate in the summer?
Because the pride comes before the fall!
My best mates and i played a game of hide and seek, it went on for hours
Good friends are hard to find.
Polar bears are known be extremely moody and sometimes even mate with their own gender.
Thus truly making them bipolar
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
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