What do you call two pigs mating?
I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.
Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating
How does a killer whale end its mating session?
What do you call two goldfish mating?
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
My mate hates it when....
My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars into different wrappers...
It's gets his Snickers in a Twix
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate?
Are people with the same shoe size called sole mates?
My Caribbean mate never seems too bothered when we arrange to meet up;
I think he might be from the 'K Man' islands
How did the moose pick his next mate?
A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.
My mate tiled my roof for me.
When I asked him how much I owed him, he said, "Don't worry. It's on the house."
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
My mate composes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, sew it seams.
What do you get when two lizards can’t mate?
Womb-mates is an acceptable term for twins
Mate: where you getting all these jokes from?
Me: Reddit
Mate: I know you read it, but where?
Why it’s hard to teach Aussie’s how to play chess?
Because they think every check is check mate
I said to my mate, "I can't stop buying Beatles records..
He said "You need help."
"I've got that one." I replied.
My best mates and i played a game of hide and seek, it went on for hours
Good friends are hard to find.
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
My mate David had his ID stolen...
My mate works in Dublin hospital’s fracture clinic. The pay's crap....
....but she enjoys the craic.
So im about ten years old walking home from school with my mates..
When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.
We decided to take it to our house.
I told my dad expecting him to be pleased.
Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.
Crying i said what was that for.
My dad said How many times do i have to tell you.
DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!
Why do lions only mate in the summer?
Because the pride comes before the fall!
Do Australians really say mate that often?
You wanna have beef with me? Because this is how you get beef with me! I’m dead serious mate!
It’s been so long since I last got to see ya! You and ya family gotta come over for a barbecue this weekend!
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music....
He gets a mini heart-attack when the Australian waiter says "Check, Mate"
I was talking to my mate earlier...
when I thought to myself "why the fuck are you called Earlier?"
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex
The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex.
Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building.
Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
One of the T-shirts in my closet asked the other one : Whats up mate.
The other T-shirt replied : Nothing much. Just hanging out here.
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
My mate gav just died of heartburn.
What’s it called when a drake chases a female, getting nearer and nearer but never close enough to mate?
I tried making flour mate but it didn't work!
I thought it could be bred!
I met my wife in Korea. I knew right away..
2 midgets are sitting around bored.
One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
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