A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Me (in UK): officer, just enquiring, are you a fan of the music of Sting?

Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police

Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
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Officer: You’re under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...

Me: But officer, I can explain everything!

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
This post, officer.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Why did the police officer arrest a duck?

The duck was selling quack

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWolfman29
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What the police officer said to the Antiperspirant after the traffic stop?

Roll-on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

πŸ‘︎ 496
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer: how did the hacker escape?

Me: I dunno, he ransomware

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.

He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gubaxter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer say when she caught a man peeing on the side of a building?

Urine big trouble mister!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TitanPhoebs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Just been offered as a job a Noise Pollution officer .

But, I had to turn it down.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes

Officer: β€œYes, that’s assault!”

Man: β€œI know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?

An undercover cop.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...

did he just bust a move?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?

Because I’m resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redrocketinn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."

I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?

The Colonel of Truth

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CopsaLau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a swat officers coat?

A brooch and clear

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The police officer made me pay up for my crime.

Meh, that's fine

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timfreemints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, how did the hackers get away?”

β€œNo idea. They must have ransomware.”

πŸ‘︎ 267
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?

He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer tell his belly button?

YOU'RE UNDER A VEST!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiverMeeTimberz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why

I simply said "I don't speak sign language"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OshriM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?

Police put on your life vest!

(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoLoMoXI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.

When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys β€œOnly Time will tell”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefanE30325i
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.

The guy obliges.

In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Which officers tell the corniest jokes?

The Colonels.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Possibly_a_stoat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer get suspended?

Beats me.

πŸ‘︎ 319
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ipooponturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said

β€œJust-ice has been served”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thunderfighter6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A Police officer called Roxanne told me how to social distance,

She said "don't stand, don't stand so close to me"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you...

..But I can see where you are coming from.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.

The wife said "was it murder"? The officer said "no madam it was suicide" The wife said how" can you tell"? The police said - "On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the officer say to comfort the foreigner he was arresting?

Don’t worry! These cuffs were designed for two-wrists.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sonicxwwe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A Police Officer pulls over a Miner at a Traffic Stop

Officer: "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: "Mine."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IS3OO
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer arrest the cow for?

Disudderly conduct.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrlonelywolf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?

Cop: It’s such a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a...moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"

"Don't know he just ransomware"

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magop7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the officer say to his belly button?

You’re under a vest!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UhHowAboutN0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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